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Has disengagement led to divorce?

ClutterMusings's picture

Submitted by ClutterMusings on Fri, 04/03/2015 - 11:09am

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Just wondering.

I started disengaging before I found this site and knew it was a "thing." Just happy to know I am not alone.

I feel so much better since disengaging. It is just my only option left.

But, since I am disengaging with SD & BM, it seems I disengage with DH as well.

Has anyone disengaged into divorce? Or has it made you and DH stronger?

Either way, for me, I have no choice but to disengage.

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Sat, 04/04/2015 - 1:02am

disengaging is a self protection mechanism. usually we dont have to disengage unless our husbands are twits in some ways or are unsupportive. otherwise we would have no reason to disengage.

yes sometimes you have to also disengage from dh if he is not supporting you.

worst_stepmom_ever's picture

Submitted by worst_stepmom_ever on Sat, 04/04/2015 - 4:50am

I disengaged because I was really left with no other option. BM/SD were ruining my mental and in turn physical health. I was going down a very dark road and my therapist agreed that I needed to disengage.

DH doesn't like it and says that I've "checked out" which to an extent is true. Currently it's an up and down thing as far as the marriage goes, but disengaging has made it much easier for me to accept that I need to take care of myself and if DH can't understand/support that this is necessary for self preservation then life will go on if the marriage ends.

SugarSpice's picture

Submitted by SugarSpice on Mon, 04/06/2015 - 1:18pm

in my case disengagement is leading down the road to divroce. now that skids are adults he want to be a part of their lives more and more. they have always been minis but now they no longer live with bm. i am given the back seat more and more and even more than when the skids were small children. as i disengage from the skids i am also forced to disengage from dh and his obsession with them.

ClutterMusings's picture

Submitted by ClutterMusings on Tue, 04/07/2015 - 2:43pm

Thanks for the input guys! When I got into step-life I never in a million years would have thought I would get to the point of disengagement. However...here I am! I mean, it's just hard not to at some point. Step-life is a hot mess.

What's crazy is that I think I was just driving myself insane trying to "do for" and "be it all" in the beginning. My mistake, I know now. Now that I am disengaged, I don't think my DH even notices a difference. Maybe he does and just isn't saying anything.

Regardless, this is my best shop at there being any hope in our blended family working out in the long run. It just seems like a lose-lose though because I wanted to be very involved with SD, especially now that I have BD1. It's impossible though.

smomofone's picture

Submitted by smomofone on Tue, 04/07/2015 - 3:57pm

THIS^^^ 100%

I have not had to disengage yet but had been close a few times. Usually it is when I feel like I am being placed on the back burner or if someone in his family(mostly MIL) tries to meddle with SD way too much. I let my SO know that I am getting ready to disengage and just have a relationship with him. He doesn't like the idea so he typically will re-evaluate what the issue is and fix it before I disengage completely. Half the time I start to just not share time with him and his daughter. Not go to his fam's events or his moms place at all. He starts to see it and asks me what is bothering me. We will talk it out, he either agrees or disagrees. If he agrees he makes changes, if he doesn't then he is ok with me keeping my distance.