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I want... I need ... I want... but never, Can you please get me....

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 3:19pm

So I have started the disengagement process about a month or so ago with SD16 simply because I can not take it anymore. For the most part, its going well. However, little situations come up where I am not sure exactly what to do.

SD16 has been working since the beginning of summer break. She spends almost all of her money on clothes, and whatever else SHE wants. DH has told her that she needs to save for regular oil changes and gas. That's a joke. Anyway, I feel as if she needs a little tough love and should show where her money goes until she shows that she is responsible enough. But with disengagement, that's hard.

Every other Thursday I go grocery shopping. The kids know that if they need anything (ie: shampoo, soap, etc.) They need to write it down for me before I go to the store or they have to wait.

So SD16 just texts me "I need black eye liner." I so badly want to respond telling her that she has a job and a car and can get her own eye liner. Also that if she wants anything from me, she needs to start saying please and thank you. In a way, I feel bad wanting to tell her this but at the same time its a good reminder of why I am disengaging.

What would you do?

Comments

shielded2009's picture

Submitted by shielded2009 on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 3:25pm

If this is something you've always done, and the only difference is that NOW she has a job, it's time for a conversation...I'd buy her the eyeliner and schedule a conversation with her (with DH included)...

Switching up on how you act and respond is very hard for kids (shoot adults, too). Even if she doesn't respond well, at least you've laid out your expectations and boundaries for her so she can't say she DIDN'T know...kwim?

ubrngoutdbitchnme's picture

Submitted by ubrngoutdbitchnme on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 4:21pm

I would have replied with "Do you have money to pay me back when I get home" If she doesn't reply, I would take that as a NO and I would NOT buy her the black eyeliner. As a 16 year old with a JOB she needs to PAY/BUY HER OWN make-up.

My issue with SD15 is that she ONLY wants to wear fancy face makeup. She has to work her ass off for that and she does. But she knows that she has to make it last. So far she is pretty good at that.

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 6:01pm

I have an method of dealing with that. Say "I just saw thy there is some on sale at Walgreen's. Do they carry your brand? If you're going, could you pick me up a box of dried apricots? I think it's so cook that you're working now!"

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 8:25pm

I would respond with ...a big fat nothing.
What part of disengaging is this? She texts you and no 'Pls" or "TY". Just demand for eyeliner. Well guess what, eye liner is not a neccessity in life and I wouldn't buy it for her.

However I would be having a convo along the lines of "I got your text today. The sad thing is I was in Walgreens and could have picked it up for you. But as you didn't say please or thankyou I didnt. So in future you will use the following "Would you please/ Please may I and thank you. If I get nothing remotely approaching that tone by text or in your voice I will be ignoring you. Time you learned how to treat people. Oh and Walgreen has it on sale and you can get an extra $1 off with a coupon."

Do not buy ANYTHING unless she uses the required verbage.

areyoukiddingme's picture

Submitted by areyoukiddingme on Wed, 08/31/2011 - 2:29pm

When she came home that evening, she was carrying leftovers from Olive Garden and a ton of new poster making supplies for a game she was planning on attending. I was initially going to let it go and not do anything. But she asked at the dinner table if I got her text. I said, "Yes. But I'm sure you picked it up at the store when you stopped to buy all of the stuff you needed for your poster." She gave me a funny look and said, No. That started her attitude about money. She started going on about how she had to pay for an oil change on her car and she didn't get any money for school clothes so she had to buy them all herself and that it wasn't fair that she had to buy everything now that she had a job. BOO HOO!!! As far as I am concerned, she can buy all of her own stuff from now on. And yes, she is going to ask politely or she isn't going to get it.