How many SM's have gone or go to counseling because of their SD or SS?
So, I made the decision to disengage last summer. It has been a bumpy ride but I am better at dealing with things than I once was.
Lately, things are just getting crazy again and SD16's entitlement is showing through brighter than ever. DH is enabling her by cleaning the snow off of her car, taking her car to get gas, folding her laundry and numerous other things that she more or less expects/asks him to do.
The first time I ever mentioned that to him, it was a complete and total slap in the face for him. He was so offended and acted as if I had just told him that I hated his daughter and that she was the devil. I am protective over my kids too but I make them do things for themselves as a learning experience so they will be able to live on their own at some point in their life. But I also do things for them when I know that they have a lot to do. And when I do, they flat out tell me thank you for doing so. There is never a thank you that comes out of SD16's mouth. It's more or less an "I need..." or just a statement/question.
DH and I almost split last summer because of SD16 and him not being able to see what everyone else could see. But we worked it out and have been doing really well until now. DH had agreed to go to marriage counseling, "for me" but he agreed to go. I was thinking recently that it would be a good thing for me, just me to go at first at least so I can sort out my jumble of emotions and feelings.
Has anyone been at this point to where you have gone to counselling for yourself? If so, was it a positive experience?
I think I'm just trying to make myself not feel as if it is all my fault that things are the way they are.
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1. If he is going "FOR YOU"
1. If he is going "FOR YOU" Then it is pointless for him to go at all.
2. I am in counseling for what I thought was because of the SKids, but after going I have realized that I am not in it because of them but because of the Bull Shit their Mother puts me through. I am in counseling FOR my SKIDS... not because of them.
3. You need to do for you before you can think about doing for some one else. I know it is easier said then done, but my honest opinion is go through counseling on your own. Get the help YOU need, YOU DO NOT NEED your DH to hold your hand. You have issues you need to work through, and may just maybe, you can become a better you and totally ignore the ignorance you have no control over!!!
I agree with this
I agree with this wholeheartedly.
If you'd asked me this question 5 years ago, I'd have told you that part of the reason I was in counseling was because of SDs.
However, I was (and still am) fortunate enough to have a great counselor who puts me to work. She listens and empathizes, but makes me take accountability for the garbage I contributed to the situations we discuss.
She also points out three things: parts of the situation I can control, parts where I can voice my opinion to DH, and parts I can't control.
What I can control:
How I react to things
My attitude
What I say
What I can discuss with DH:
Stuff that impacts me directly and my life
What I can't control:
How anyone else behaves
How anyone else feels
Anyone else's attitudes
What anyone else does
What anyone else says
Like the op said, a good counselor will listen and let you vent, but will also make you take responsibility for anything you contributed. They'll also help you find ways to let go of your stress (I recommend exercise) and helpful ways to resolve issues with others.
I have, and you do a
I have, and you do a wonderful job of handling that situation!
I did. For the VERY same
I did. For the VERY same reason.
My "little princess" is 12 and sounds just as entitled, if not more. She also adds in stealing from my purse, pouring my expensive lotion down the now clogged drain, and ripping up every photograph in the house with my photo in it. But according to DH, I just didn't like her.
Counseling provided such a great sounding board. The world in which I live in is askew with bias, and preferential treatment masked with the term "normal". Seeing a counseler and hearing "you're not crazy -- THAT situation is crazy" really reinforced my confidence in how I felt and my intuition.
Now, when a situation arises, and my DH says something moronic, like, "you just hate my daughter", I smile inside knowing that's not the real reason this is happing and that my feelings are validated.
Both great comments and info.
Both great comments and info. Absolutely no need to be sorry for speaking your feelings. It is comments like this that help me see things from other points of view. And I want to go to counselling to be sure that I can learn to sort through these things and deal with these things in a constructive way.
As for DH, I don't feel as if I have taught him that it's ok to teach his kids to be disrespectful and entitled.
I raise my bio-kids completely different. And they are nothing like SD16 when she was that age.
DH has been to countless
DH has been to countless counselors in his years since BM left him & the kids. Really...countless.
I was fine with things while BM wasn't around, but when she came back into the picture, EVERYthing was screwed. I was trying to cope with DH constantly communicating with BM again. I was trying to cope withe him going to her house to spend time with the kids. Before she came back, DH & I & the kids were the family, & we were all good with it. When she came back, I found myself feeling lost & feeling like I'd suddenly been booted from my family & was desparately trying to figure out just where I fit in.
I wanted to talk to someone who could help me. I believe that's the point I was at when I was searching for stepparent support & found my place here in Steptalk.
DH was in & out of counseling with the kids through all of this & was handling it fine. I wanted to go see one myself, but I never did. I felt it would be silly to put myself in with a therapist to deal with what I was feeling in regards to children that weren't even mine. I felt silly & incompetent for letting the situation put me in such a lost state of mind.
Having realized how many other stepparents there are out there who have benefited from it, I really wished I had. If I had it to do again, I would jump at the opportunity.
I was in therapy for myself
I was in therapy for myself for a couple of years, and often discussed my SKID situation there. The most useful thing the therapist would say to me about it was "It's not YOUR drama". This helped me to take a step back whenever NPD BM would pull one of her stunts, and DH got dragged into it.
I disengaged also, 8 years ago, and it has helped enormously. I don't think I could have not disengaged, to be honest. I didn't know the theory of disengaging then, I just did it instinctively.
DH knows what my feelings for SD16 and SD15 are - I do not like them and I disapprove of a lot of the things they do. He realises his daughters are high maintenance, and very hard work, like NPD BM. I would advise you to have no truck with the "you are mean to my children" whine from DH. They get what they ask for, in my opinion. I am civil to them, but that is all I am prepared to do.