Rise and Shine - BM busted into the house this AM yelling at us - background on the BM
Yes, indeed, she did, and said "eff you guys", etc, including me in her toxicity.
Background:
SO and BM have 50/50 custody agreement, 3 days-nights on/3 days-night off. She lives three blocks down and three blocks over from us. Every morning she drops SD10 off at our house so that SO can drop munchkin off at school one town over, on his way to work. Its been like this for 2 1/2 years or more. BM works 40 miles away, and leaves early so its usually a 6 am drop off. Her typical routine is to text SO they are on their way, and then she walks munchkin to the door and they say their goodbyes.
This morning (because we have a large number of cars, I guess) she couldn't find parking where she normally does, and was ALREADY running 20 minutes late. There was ample parking in front of the house, she just decided to wait and text furiously.
Then she busted into the house (part of the routine is that we unlock the door for munchkin every morning), and started yelling at us, "how dare you two sleep while I am waiting outside for 15 minutes because there is no effing parking. Cant even come out to get your child? Eff you guys!" And then stormed out.
I have seen her lose her temper before via text, but never actually hear her speak out in anger. She is "high conflict" and all through the divorce proceedings 6 months ago, was very ugly and high drama.
I guess I know where Winona SD17 gets her spoiled brat temper tantrum behavior from.
I feel so invaded, she disrespected our sanctuary with her toxic behavior, turned my home into an early-morning war zone. How dare she! Im ready to figure out ways to have her charged with trespassing.
And why include me? I have nothing to do with their custody agreement. Part of her crazy mentality. She gets mad when I walk Munchkin SD10 to her apartment door, she gets mad when I don't. Really - any excuse to get mad, and she unleashes.
On one hand, I told SO that I really feel for him, that he has had to deal with this crapola for so long with this person and has 3 more years of alimony and 6 more years of child custody arrangement...but you know what?
On the OTHER HAND, out of the hundreds of women to choose from, he CHOSE HER, and stayed with HER for 20 years (15 sort of ok according to SO), and HE CHOSE to have children (2) with HER, of all the hundreds of women out there. He tells me that her alcohol abuse made her worse over time, she wasn't always like this. She is on anti-depressants, and is miserable to be around when she does not have her Xanax. He tells me that historically speaking she has always been high-drama and played the victim, that she is bi-polar, and has been like that a long time, that he stuck it out for the children. I can respect that, and love him for his stick-to-it-ness. He sure has stuck by me through some very knarly times.
About BM - she works with Autistic children for the school system, so it seems like she would be more on top of being a mommy to her children. But I am the one who has taken SD10 to the park, to the beach, to fun places. I am the one who did the christmas chocolate cracker house, I did the "family photo christmas card". Yesterday, Munchkin did not have her valentines mail box ready, and isn't that mommy-daughter stuff? I haven't written much about the BM, as lately she hasn't been so high-drama, so I am thinking SOMETHING is definitely UP. Maybe she did not have a nice valentines, maybe she is off her medications, or having a hormonal episode.
But whatever the cause she was definitely out of line.
I told SO, she is never to step foot in our home ever again.
*****UPDATE
BM apologized. Apparently its up to us to move our pathway lights, because she couldnt find parking, to shine her lights for walking snowflake to the door.
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Comments
Yes, that is one option I
Yes, that is one option I have thought of. I am still livid about it...4 hours later.
I did. They said that I need
I did. They said that I need to be pro-active, but also stay out of it, or things could escalate. Leaving the door unlocked was inviting trouble.
Or just have SD call dad as
Or just have SD call dad as they approach the curb. One of you can open the door and stand on the porch while child decants herself from bm's car and walks alone from curb to house.
This way bm doesn't have to park at all AND NEVER STEPS FOOT ON YOUR PROPERTY AT ALL. Nor do you have to deal with her directly every morning.
I would have drunk the hemlock if I had to see bm every gd morning.
I am at that point of sending
I am at that point of sending out Hemlock cupcakes...
Just give SD a key to the
Just give SD a key to the house. I had a key to my house at that age because I would take the bus home and have to wait like 15 minutes for my dad to get home once a week.
That doesn't necessarily work
That doesn't necessarily work in step land, especially with a high conflict BM, who would now have access to the home, via the kid's key.
Yes, when I was first getting
Yes, when I was first getting to know SO, as friends, one of the reasons he couldn't invite me over was that SD17 (at the time SD15) would give BM her key, or use her key to let BM in, and then BM would proceed to go to man-cave and divest SO of all his "medications", or just hang out. She doesn't respect boundaries at all. Plus shes crazy.
Wow what a crazy. Are BM's
Wow what a crazy. Are BM's really that screwed up. My mother would never have dreamed of doing that to my dad when they divorced. I have never witnessed that, many of my family is divorced.
cant a 10 year old walk up to
cant a 10 year old walk up to the d@mn door herself? i'd institute a "if you get out of your car even once i will file charges" rule, and i'd certainly have it in writing, along with delivery confirmation. i'd also have video surveillance from that day forward. even tho' it's early, i'd certainly be up (well, have dh be up) when sd gets home in case he needs to call the police.
One of the characteristics of
One of the characteristics of BM is that she is permissive but very helicopter-ish. She does everything for the snowflakes she gave birth to, or has her boyfriend do things like cook and clean up after them. The walking to the door thing is at her insistence. We live in a high-gang-crime city, but our neighborhood is extremely safe, with neighbors that have grown up there. She is paranoid-delusional.
I think that I will talk to SO about BM staying in her car, and watching munchkin walk the short distance to our doorstep. That was his choice to be with the pathetic toxic drama queen, he needs to step up to the plate to look out for our home. She doesn't respect our boundaries, and feels like it is ok to violate our home.
Never again.
i dont give a $#!t WHAT she
i dont give a $#!t WHAT she insists on. if a personal escort to the door is *not* included in the c/o, i'd send a certified letter, return rcpt requested, that she is no longer allowed on your property. i'd check with the local police department and get a report drawn up, then have copies of the letter and rcpt placed on file.
this bm she sounds like that one poster who got shot down by the sm who requested she stay in the car.
i never tolerated bm in my house. dh found that out real clear the one time she stepped inside the threshold (and she wasnt being antagonistic or anything, i just OUR house and i wont have it!)
no it's not a court order,
no it's not a court order, but if LE has an official notice that she is not allowed on the property, and bm violates their wishes, ESPECIALLY if there is video surveillance *and* acknowledgment that bm received a formal statement of the property owner's wishes, OP and her dh should very easily be able to file charges. and remember LEO's rarely enforce civil orders, but criminal trespass IS criminal }:)
I will try this. And see how
I will try this. And see how it works out. However, In my recent conversations with the local police department, they said the BM is fully within her rights to walk SD10 to the door to insure that she is safe.
Im still having trouble
Im still having trouble figuring out how BM thought it was perfectly ok for her to march in, berate SO in front of his child, in OUR home. She apologized but I am still livid.
And yes, I have been firm about him getting up. And out. And opening the door. For the next few years, until BM allows SD10 to walk herself. He's basically being a lazy parent. This is why I am here in the first place. Desperately seeking solutions (other than walking out on him forever).
By that statement I mean from
By that statement I mean from now on this is what will happen. So from NOW, specifically.
At the time she did this we
At the time she did this we were in a deep sleep, and in our skivvies. I was hoping SO would have chased her down or done/said SOMETHING. All he did was text her that there was plenty of parking and she was obviously late.
yes, she wears her "Victimhood" like a badge of honor.
At the time I would do things with Munchkin SD10, I was working part-time, and also, would take her on mornings her father would go fishing and it was his "three days on". I saw it as a great bonding time, but her mother never did any of these things...
In a deep sleep, I was in a
In a deep sleep, I was in a confused sleep, and in my underwear. Plus, it isn't my deal, to deal with, BM is high-conflict - and could make things really bad. I just called the local police station. With child custody issues, it gets "real messy", as I was told. It could escalate to the point where there HAS to be a neutral 3rd party present at ALL exchanges.
SO will have to get his butt out of bed and wait at the door. I was advised to "stay out of it as much as possible".
Time to do some research about trespassing laws.
Why didn't you go after
Why didn't you go after her???
BM1 tried that crap with esDF and I ONCE. She had it in her twisted mind that she should be able to come to our house anytime her kids were there. When ex told her to beat it, she flipped out. I was in the house half dressed and my hair was a mess. By the time I put on a sundress and found some shoes,(nope, I didn't take time to fix my hair)she was out of the building and a half block away standing at the bus stop.
I stormed down there and lit into her ass. By the time I was done she was in tears. EX came flying down the street while we were going at it and pulled me back down the block. 10 minutes later NYPD was knocking on the door because she called and said I threatened to kick her butt and she was afraid that I would hurt her kids. NYPD sided with me.
I just do not understand this idea of sitting back and waiting for SOs deal with these women who cross the line. If a BM"s (or SK's)actions involved the SM, then SM shouldn't think twice about addressing the issue.
My SO - he told her that her
My SO - he told her that her actions were unacceptable, after she apologized and said her reasoning was that she could not park so that she could walk comfortably to escort SD10 to the door from the sidewalk. Pathway lights (the cheap kind that you stick in the ground and are solar) were in her way. She uses her headlights to see them and avoid them.
I could give two chits what her excuse was, she did the inexcusable. SO told her that. And said he would never in a million years do that to her, so why would she do that to him?
I am ready to give it to her, but do not want any additional, ugly custody battle issues. So I feel like we have to tip -toe around crazy BM.
Thanks to Steptalk I can vent.
It certainly sounds like you
It certainly sounds like you have a high conflict person that you are dealing with. I do to, and luckily my Lawyer and his staff are trained to deal with them and taught us how to do so as well utilizing Bill Eddy's New Ways for Families tools. Even if the other side wont use them, you can to minimize the stress that you feel. It can also help you set boundaries. If you are interested, message me, or look up Bill Eddy and the High Conflict institute on You Tube. Particularly helpful, would be EAR statements and BIFF writing techniques. Good Luck. I hope things calm down for you soon.
Sue - we have a VERY sweet
Sue - we have a VERY sweet deal right now. My conflict is how to
protect ourselves from this ever happening again and (b) keep everything as good as it has been. Currently ZERO CHILD SUPPORT and low alimony for 3 years (although they had been together 20 years, married 6). She is very high conflict and has attacked me via paperwork filings and SO also. She doesn't follow through, but has claimed I am a danger to her children.
The only thing I can think of is to have SD17 Winona watch Munchkin and then SO picks her up on his way to work.
The door will remain locked until a knock is heard. The police information officer said this is my only medium-conflict option in a child custody case. Leaving the door unlocked leaves us responsible.
No way. BM pulls into the
No way.
BM pulls into the parking lot and skids come inside. If she picks up, DH walks them out. When we drop off we pull up to the house and out they go. No need to ever be at anyone's doorstep.
No BM in or near my space. I made that 110% clear. Years ago when we were first dating, before a court ordered schedule was in place, she wanted a tour of our place to determine if it was safe and he let her inside. I lost my mind.
Never ever ever.
Typically (I know we are lazy
Typically (I know we are lazy on those cold mornings!), BM drops SD10 Munchkin off at our house, and she watches her favorite youtube series or plays with her hamster or rabbit. We are typically still in bed until a little after SD drop-off. So the greeting happens at the time of coffee-making.
Yes, Wicked, therin lies my conflict - how to have BM experience repercussions, without her ordering additional child support (currently ZERO) and more alimony (currently $300/mo) and a change in CO.
Time for BM to stop at the
Time for BM to stop at the curb, say her goodbyes to the kid, and then watch the kid walk to your door and into the house.
No more access to your property. Time to put cameras and recorders at your door and in the entry way to your home. That way when she blows a gasket you will have recorded proof of her volatility to base a RO/PO on to keep her away from your home.
Her behavior has cost her that privilege.
Yes, I have spoken to Local
Yes, I have spoken to Local PD - leaving the door unlocked is like giving permission.
I will research cameras. I have asked SO to discuss with children she is to never cross my threshold again.
Unfortunately, according to PD, she is within her rights to walk SD to the door, to insure safety. But if she acts out again I can have proof.
I would do some checking of
I would do some checking of local laws. That sounds really wrong. Just because the police department doesn't want to deal with it doesn't mean it isn't trespassing.
yes, I could possibly charge
yes, I could possibly charge her with criminal trespassing, after advising her that she no longer has any rights to cross our threshold. But that would escalate her temper, and put into full attack-mode. Things have been ok for a long time since the divorce, we don't want additional trouble, but she needs to respect our home and us.
She could make trouble - for me, but at this point I don't care. If I don't stand up to her now, she will continue to disrespect us.
Walking SD TO the door and
Walking SD TO the door and her walking THROUGH the door, are two different things. I don't care if the door was unlocked, she had no right to enter.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing Wicked. If its something they've been doing for two years, you would think he would set his alarm clock and be up and waiting on them.
No pass for the BM barging in though. If I were Clover, I would have lost it too.
Ok point taken - leave kids
Ok point taken - leave kids out. Talk about boundaries. You know this didn't happen overnight? BM has always disrespected SO and now me. She treats her boyfriend like her slave, and calls him idiot. It is no way new and unusual behavior for this sociopathic spoiled brat woman. I will definitely have to step up to the plate and call her on her chit.
Wicked, I totally get that SO
Wicked, I totally get that SO being lazy is the cause of the problems. Also, he CHOSE that thing he had kids with, he CHOSE that thing he married.
No, BM texts SO "on our way" at about 5:45am, and then SO, gets up and unlocks the door and goes back to bed. This occurs at 6am. So he gets another 1 hour of sleep, before getting up and going to work. His work is very labor intensive and every day his body is aching. But, yes, this is the situation HE HIMSELF agreed to.
I feel like I am caught in between his laziness and her craziness. Her only purpose to walking munchkin from the sidewalk to the door (less than 50 ft) is to hug and kiss her goodbye. Its not a safety issue. Not really.
Danielle - my thoughts
Danielle - my thoughts exactly. BM is always painting SO to be the horrid father. She was the person who cheated, lied, drank, and was physically/verbally abusive. She wins no mother of the year awards.
No, it used to be locked, and
No, it used to be locked, and he would answer, and then gradually, in the morning he started unlocking after an alert text, and then going back to bed.
So, I do not have children of my own. It seems ok for a child who is almost 11 to do this - to walk in a door and for 20-30 minutes self-entertain. She has done this for over 2 1/2 years. Sometimes she will go back and nap a while, or play with her rabbit/hamster. Sometimes I get up and we chat, and check in and laugh about something.
So, this is wrong way to parent a COD?
I think the difference in
I think the difference in this case is if he is asleep, he doesn't know whether she got there or not. BM could have gone against type and dropped her off at the road and she could have gotten abducted. Obviously not a super likely scenario, but I think there is a difference when the kid is getting dropped off vs waking up there.
This was not the case always.
This was not the case always. Its been perhaps within the past year.
Echo I was thinking the same
Echo I was thinking the same thing that you wrote above.
Why was dad still in bed. He botched that one big time.
His responsibility is to be awake and ready for his daughter. Cant blame bm for being mad.
BUTttttttttttttt, she has no business entering your home. In some areas she might have been hurt and I mean hurt bad by a gun, baseball bat etc. Same for the daughter.
Dad needs to be out of bed OP.
When I read you have many big vehicles...what does that mean. A hoard in your yard?
yes, SO is a vehicle hoarder.
yes, SO is a vehicle hoarder. But there was plenty of parking. Turns out our pathway lights were not showing her the way. The issue isn't really safety for SD, its "I want to hug and say goodbye..." and walk her up, because I want to.
OK, so me being childess = me being clueless. Many times I get up and say hello to SD. She isnt by herself all the time. During the winter we just stay under the covers longer. So GENERALLY we are awake. This time we overslept.
I just feel very violated and disrespected.
Clove YES it is wrong. Hey
Clove YES it is wrong.
Hey if you want to sleep in by all means go for it since you do not have kids.
But your husband should always be of bed before his daughter arrives.
Why does this father or you for that matter have to be told this?
She is 10 not 15
Most parents are up having coffee watching their Seniors go to the bus and those kids may be 17, 18 years old.
I did not grow up that way. I
I did not grow up that way. I always walked by myself to bus stop several blocks away, from 14, on. From middle school to junior high, I simply walked 4 blocks to school, by myself.
If you don't want BM to
If you don't want BM to darken your doorstep then I suggest you have a blunt conversation with YOUR HUSBAND and tell him he needs to be front and center so it never happens again. I tell DH Sunday evenings "SS will be here soon" and that's his cue to get his butt out the door and stand there waiting for BM to pull in the driveway. I wish they had a "Seatbelt & Honk" clause since BM likes to chase SS5 around her car before finally leaving but whatever. In a few years he'll be over it and hopefully won't need mommmyyyyy to unbuckle and smother him. I'm a patient person so I ignore.
Maxwell, YES indeed, SO will
Maxwell, YES indeed, SO will be at the door greeting little Munchkin SD10 from now on. And if he doesnt, I certainly will - so I can look BM in the eye and give her the hard stare. Yes, I think to myself, "just a few more years and it will be the drop-off only situation."
There are some interesting
There are some interesting comments about an 8-11yo not being awake in the house while everyone else sleeps in for a bit in the AM. :?
My brother got a house key when he was in 2nd-3rd grade and wore it on a cord around his neck for many years. WHen he got home he let himself in and when he was ready to catch the bus to school he let himself out and locked the door. Sometimes we were all up and having breakfast together... sometimes we weren't.
I also find the concerns about an 11yo walking from the curb to the front door alone to be typical of the completely failed special snowflake parenting style adopted over the past couple of decades. At that age we used to run amok and go just about everywhere and do just about everything. We had to be home when the street lights came on and no one in the neighborhood went home early unless there was a protruding bone or arterial blood flow to deal with. A little blood was not reason to cut short the afternoons adventures.
If an 11yo can't handle walking a few dozen yards from the curb to the front door without an adult chaperone what the hell is our world coming to?
Far more in depth analysis
Far more in depth analysis than I tend to make. I appreciate the deeper perspective. I am a ID the issue and deal with it kind of person. So when the OP broached BM's invasion of her home and the hovering over the kid all the way to the front door with the sappy sweet drawn out emotional good bye that is where my mind went.
I will go back and re-read some the OPs historical stuff and catch up.
Historically, it IS pretty
Historically, it IS pretty cringe-worthy. I abhor conflict, and hate when we have to do the middle of the week exchange with BM. The issue has become clouded with the "be at the door lazy bio-dad"-ers with "let the kid be independent for a few steps here and there"-ers.
Basically what it comes down to is that the BM was way out of line barging in and yelling at us/BD. She apologize (weak), and she called our solar lights "retarded, and they don't even work". This woman is not bright, and she loses her temper at any provocation. The divorce, 6 months ago, was ugly, and she continually lost her temper and was verbally/emotionally abusive. Added to that anything I do is of course wrong. This is some background on her personality. With or without a reason this woman will lose her tempter and lash out, even to the point of lashing out in front of her children.
I did not expect any attacks made on me for my clue-lessness or on my SO for his lack of greeting child at the door 3 mornings during school week. To me it is cut-and-dried. SD10 will be greeted at the door from here on out by SO.
These skids have seen their
These skids have seen their mother so drunk she passes out in her own puke. When she was a stay-at-home mother she would drink vodka with her 1-year old playing nearby. SO would come home to find BM passed out with empty bottle. She was receiving naked photos of other men, while bathing, and texting and drinking. THIS led to the eventual demise of their relationship/marriage. The kids have watched their mother curse and yell and physically abuse their father.
I think that the least of the kids worries is being greeted 3 mornings out of every school week by their father. He has allowed BM 50/50 visitation, even after everything, because the kids need their mother and she is finally getting things straightened out in her life.
BTW - SD10 has never been late to school. Her record and grades are exemplary.
Rags, yes, this is a child
Rags, yes, this is a child who I almost 11 years old. She is not expected to be alone hardly at all. We live in a small 3-bedroom and we hear everything, most of the time. She is dropped off MAYBE 2-3 times a week by the BM. Its 3 days on/3 days off situation, so it is highly variable.
This woman is not going to win any mother of the year awards. She will still cut the kids meat for her, has the boyfriend wash her kids dishes and clean their rooms for them. I am more of the "get them independent as much as you can" variety. I am teaching SD10 how to cook and prepare meals. I taught her about boogie boarding and hiking. This child is definitely NOT ignored. At least not in our home. We watch movies together and I prepare meals to be shared at the dinner table. SO - his former wife did none of these things, so it has been a transitional period.
I grew up the same way you did. Riding bikes till dark, skating the streets, dirt clod fights, tree forts...etc.
I am seeing, just from this one post I made, that parenting styles are very different now than when I grew up!
I would make sure she does
I would make sure she does not have parking today again.... then wait wide eye with a base ball bat in my hands at the door and if she storms in I will hit the living day lights out of her...
sorry thought it was an intruder }:)
Yes - that is my fantasy, but
Yes - that is my fantasy, but I seriously do not need BM to become a martyr at this point. So tempting!!!!
I will be sure to open that freaking door and have her look me in the eye next time. Her apology was weak. "sorry for this morning. Those lights are retarded, and don't even work". The lights are solar and run out of juice in the early am.