Love bombing
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At first my 42 year old ASD said she wanted to be "friends" and love-bombed me. Over time, she started her fault finding mission...I am not supposed to have boundaries, or opinions that differ from her. She'll send a text asking her father "how we are" but has ceased all communication with me. I, in turn have made no effort to contact her. We are at a stalemate. Now, there's a high school graduation looming. I love my granddaughter, and want to go, but I dread seeing her mother. Ugh. We only get invited to things if there's presents involved. Never does she or her husband make an effort to see us otherwise. It hurts.
Reality
That's the reality for most of us. I'd go to see the beloved GD graduate. Be polite and civil to your SD, nothing else is necessary. That's your mantra from now on: polite and civil.
I'm sorry.
It hurts that she doesn't interact with you despite your good intentions. But, she's your DH's relation so it's worth the "polite and civil" effort.
Thanks
I loved your response. Sometimes I get down from feeling so unappreciated. We all deserve better. This really sucks.
We defintely deserve better
We defintely deserve better but it's good to see the writing on the wall- I believed for years if I just did more, tried harder, was better that it would ALL come together. I am 10+ years in and I know better. Civil and polite is the mantra but I have also re-directed my attention elsewhere. I 100% fully support my DH in having relationships but I no longer go the extra mile. I meet them right where they are at and I no longer care that they do not love me. It's been transactional forever - i accept the reality. Once you accept it and move your life in another direction the feeling of "it sucks" turns to apathy- you simply don't care because you realize you were grabbing crumbs. When I finally stepped back I realized I didn't have a lot of happy moments with them and the times I felt joy they actively worked to steal it away. I realized the best gift they gave me was treating me as an outsider and to allow that to be the new path. It's been peaceful and my life has become higher quality. I also value myself a lot more and I don't think I could ever consider stepping below reasonable and respectful treatment any longer. Life will get better and you will find yourself happier....if you let yourself let it all go.
Wonderful advice!
Read, and read again, every word Imperfectly has written in her post. It encapsulates exactly the situation many of us find ourselves in. I am 20+ years in and can vouch that this situation never changes - especially with SDs.
One other suggestion I woulld add is that you refer to your "grandchild" ...SD's kid. Be careful here.
If I read the math right, this child was about 7 or 8 when you came into her life as she is now graduating from HS. I don't know what your one-on-one relationship with her is like but be prepared that she may begin pulling away more and more. Some of that is just natural development and some of it may be fueled by your SD42's indifferent attitude towards you.
This is a reason I have REFUSED to be involved in my SO's grandkids lives other than at a very, very casual level. I have no relationship with SD so I cannot reasonably expect that I could have a healthy relationship with HER kids.
At this stage of life, I do not have the bandwidth to set myself out for heartbreak. And loving little kids for years, thinking you mean something, and then having that yanked from you is something I was NOT willing to risk. It has been much better to be just a friendly face they see (maybe) every few years for a short visit.
If there are ever SGK's in the picture for us ...
I will have to approach SGK's a similar way to what you describe.
"At this stage of life, I do not have the bandwidth to set myself out for heartbreak. And loving little kids for years, thinking you mean something, and then having that yanked from you is something I was NOT willing to risk."
It's sad to think about because I love children and especially children that I can dote over and then send back to their parents. It's also sad because they will be DH's blood and if the step-diablas26&28 weren't awful then I would love to enjoy GK's with DH, should they ever exist. Instead, I hope the Diablas never have any kids.
It's just one of the many sacrafices we as SM's have to come to terms with in step-life.
If my BK's want to have kids then that is where I will put my grandma energy. I would be happy with or without GK's but I do not ever want SGK's. I want my BK's to be happy and I fully support whatever they decide as far as having or not having children.
That’s step parenting
There is always friction. You are made to feel like an outsider. Because as hard it is to admit. We are outsider in stepkids minds
My DW has struggled with toxicity from her own family for years.
When she visits by herself, invariably she comes home heart broken and takes weeks to intermittently work through the drama and start to get back to a sense of normalcy and calm.
She prefers when I go with her. She knows that my IL clan will stay in their lane far more when I am there than if I am not there. Not that DW cannot chew them up and spit them out when they get shitty. She can and she does. Even more brutally that I do it. Though they get away with their shit for longer with DW than they do with me. I instantly jump on them and rip out their throats while DW is far more inclined to mask their crap with fee fees of love and connection until she just can't ignore the crap any longer.
It's a terrible shame, when step
It's a terrible shame, when step-grands reject a step-granny! My DH has only 2 grandkids, boys of 16 and 14 resp. and they are such a joy. They greet me with warm hugs, always ask how I'm doing and before & after meals, hustle into the kitchen, offering help. They are charming, funny and helpful. The boys have never forgotten my birthday, Mother's Day or Christmas; the cards are usually handmade (which makes them all the more valuable) and their gifts are from the dollar store but I treasure them.
My SS and his wife put a lot of work into parenting and have raised their sons to be young gentlemen. Despite having been a COD, 50/50 custody, my SS (a chip off the old block) is a terrific, hands-on dad.
Thankfully, there are exceptions to the general rule of cold, disengaged step-grandkids. I feel very blessed to be one of those exemptions!
You and Mr. grannyd raised good parents by being good parents.
Your GSkid outcome is not a mystery nor is it surprising.
Quality, begets quality. A simple formula.
My mom and dad are extremely close to my SS and he adores them. He has since he was a toddler, and he continues to adore them, and they him, as an adult. They raised me, and they raised my brother. Our kids are a product and legacy of the model and example that my mom and dad built and set.
I am thrilled that your to GSS's are wonderful young men. Of course, they are your GKs and their GF is Mr grannyd. Together you raised their dad. Rockstars beget rockstars, and so on, and so on, and so on....
Thanks, Rags!
Thanks, Rags!
Yes!
I love this for you! It says a lot about you, grannyd!