It works!
Hello,
For those of you considering disengagement, I will share how emotionally freeing it is. My ASD came into my life 12 years ago. She's very up and down in her viewpoints and moods. My DH wishes she would get back on her meds, but she's oppositionally defiant, as diagnosed by a professional therapist. Her "coping skill" is to blame and/or look for the negative. Often, I was in her cross hairs. So, it was really a no-win situation. I gradually disengaged with no more texting, and no more calling. What freedom! No longer do I give my time & energy to someone who is self-destructive. We all want our blended families to become cohesive, but when mental instability is present, that rarely occurs. Now, DH rarely hears from her, unless it involves gift-giving.
Oh well.
When mental health issues are involved.
''You just can't deal with crazy''. They change ,, there thought so offen makeing no sence. Yes getting away from it all is the best way to deal with it. It's disengagement in our head that matters. No ''careing'' how destructive they get . Because you are the only one who cared
Oppositional
Sigh....how familiar....whenever I used to say anything or, God forbid, give advice, my SD seemed to go out of her way to do the opposite. The goal was/ is to "show me".
Agree!
I kept this messed up mindset that we "NEEDED" to blend. After all, my former husband and I had a mostly peaceful divorce that did minimal impact to our kids. Why can't DHs side do that as well? And I fought for 12 years....and nearly destroyed myself. You cannot fight mental issues in others....you simply have to disengage and put some safe boundaries in place. I had no issues doing this in my life with family and friends; not sure why I struggled in the StepWorld.
Today, complete disengagement from DHs kids with some intergration happening ON MY TERMS. My health and peace of number one.
In the end.. we either can
In the end.. we either can change things.. or accept things.. and we have to know which is possible.
When we accept that we cannot change something/someone.. on of the options in the realm of acceptance is to let go.. let go of the worry.. of the ownership.. of the fight to change.. that person or situation will be what they will be.. with or without our involvement or interference.. so minimizing our focus on that.. is often just the best we can do.
One side disengaging often
One side disengaging often does nothing to get the other to STFU and stop their unacceptable behavior and choices.
Sadly.
Disgengaging can work. I'm glad it is working for you and that you are finding peace and living your best life through disengaging. The opposite, instant application of consequence, works too.
These types seem to keep their skivvies in a knot over some self delusional slight, ply toxic manipulation, self appointed victim status, etc... They choose not to get out of their own way and insist on committing to their toxic crap. Why? Who knows? Who cares? Not me.
So, disengage until it is time to not disengage then bring the pain that they earn.
This can act like a reverse tactic to Pavlov's dog. Instead of ringing the bell and giving a treat that then ties the bell to salivation, smack them instantly (figuratively of course) in the most effective manner for that particular person and they start cringing at the very sight of us giving then the look because they are conditioned to immediately having us bring the pain.
No analysis, no giving a shit about why they do what they do, just immediate "ringing of the bell" when they choose to behave in any way other than reasonably.
It can take a very long time to keep them under their slime covered rock at the bottom of the noxious shallow and polluted life choices. The one who wins is the one who embraces living their best life, tolerates no bullshit, and commits to their own self respect and keeps the "bell" of the look instantly available then applies the consequence if the toxic manipulator does not immediately slither back under their rock.
They do not get a thought until they ply their usual crap. The instant consequence, followed by immediate irrelevance.
If they gain clarity and embrace reasonableness, they have a shot at redemption. But they should have to earn it every moment for the rest of their existence. Or, they can immediately retreat under their rock festering in their miserable lives in isolation rather than polluting the lives of those who are of quality and performing.
IMHO of course.
And, it can be quite an enjoyable hobby to perform Pavlovian experiments on them.
IMHO and experience, with the SpermGrandHag, of course.