21 years and l give up
Stepmum of a boy and a girl now grown up. I have been in their lives 21 years. When they were young we were extremely close, l was a mum in every sense including potty training they were so young. Their Mum left their Dad. Now they are in their twenties l feel a distance. They visit and we get on great but outside of visits they only call and text their Dad, despite setting up a family chat they don't use it. Face to face we chat away as always, l get all the news updates etc but in between nothing, while their Dad gets all the photos and in-between information. There are times l feel invisible. I have tried to be the best stepmum l can, l sacrificed a lot for their sake as they grew up including having my own children. Now all l hear about is how fantastic their BM is and how rough she had it bringing them up. Tonight SD called and as usual we chatted away had fun laughed etc but on leaving she hugged her Dad and said love you and just said bye to me. Naturally this cut me to the quick, should l just give up and disengage, l feel like l have done everything to mean something to them but l am just Dad's wife. I just keep feeling hurt, am l expecting too much, l guess l must be.
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Damn. I'm sorry you are going
Damn. I'm sorry you are going through this. I experienced similar, but to a lesser degree. I took on the "mom" role for my SO's son, now 21, for a few years but he's recently gravitated back to his POS BM.
What i'm doing is disengaging but remaining polite. Trying to foster my other relationships and interests, as i think the stepmom role, at least the "give it 100% like i'm the real mom" role, is pretty thankless. I think kids always want to believe the best of their bio mom and believe she loves them and did her best. I think it has to do with their sense of identity being tied to her.
The more i try to "mother" the skids, the more i feel hurt and slighted now that BM has reared her head. I recently posted a blog about how even my SO excuses BM's neglect and bad decisions as BM being "just a dumb kid." It pisses me off more than i thought anything could. Doing these b!tches' work for them is, as i said, pretty darn thankless.
ETA i also think that when the skids do reconnect with their BMs, they feel they have to pull away from their SM out of a sense of loyalty. I think some BMs even push for it and the kids feel torn.
Yes l think you must be right
Yes l think you must be right, she took them into a relationship with an alcohol and tonight SD finally spilled about all that happened. We knew nothing about it till BM and this loser split up after 6 years. The SKs never uttered a word, yet she still went on about how brave and wonderful BM was to put up with it, never mind how she failed to keep them safe while all the time hiding what was going on from us. We could have done something about it had we known, but the SKs were warned not to say anything, SD can't see that BM was at fault. I think this is why l have realised l could lay a golden egg and it still wouldn't be good enough, BM is faultless in their eyes and always will be. Their Dad is currently upset because he feels he should have done something to help SD even though he knew nothing about it at the time. I am sick of the drama, it never seems to end and always end up with their father and I upset. I wish l had never met him sometimes and saved myself the heartache.
Now that the skids are in
Now that the skids are in their 20s, maybe you and your DH can focus more on being a couple? No minor children and no BM to deal with. If you can, it may all be worth it. If your DH will do his part.
I am trying to get him to do
I am trying to get him to do that. We are fine when the SKs have no drama, but he still puts them first unfortunately. Although he has realised they don't put an awful lot of effort into this side of the family, they still have a huge effect on him. We are supposed to be moving house but he wants to stay close to SD, l do not as its limiting our choices. I fear once grandchildren come along l am going to live this all over again and l am not sure l could take it.
I feel you. My SO has his 2
I feel you. My SO has his 2 sons with BM2 still living at home. He has 2 daughters with BM1 and one of them has a baby due in just over a month. I'm very anxiously waiting to see how THAT's going to go. Before finding out about the grandchild, i was looking forward to finally focusing on being a couple. For now, though, i'm trying to focus on my life outside of that drama fest. It's hard when you have been conditioned to see yourself in terms of who you are in your relationship. But there's more to us than just being "DH's wife" or "SO's SO." Dammit, there's a lot more, we just have to find where it went and get it back!
You sound like a caring person
As the other posters have said, you're seeing the loyalty bond. I dont think its a rational decision, I think its some kind of elemental human biology thing.
You know that you did your best. For whatever reason, BM dropped the ball. It is what it is.
Take justified satisfaction in your heart you did the right thing. Try to forgive the SKs if they show loyalty to BM. You can look at yourself on the mirror every day and know you were a caring mature person who did the best for your DH"s children.
My 101yo Mom who lost her beloved husband in WW2, raised me as a single mom then married a difficult husband and had 3 more kids, one of whom was disabled, sometimes asks why someone unwisely does xyz. I tell her, " Mom, not everybody is as strong as you are".
So where is your man in all
So where is your man in all of this? Why isn't he standing up for you and the truth ? He's the one who needs to say something to them. Just how much of this heartache comes from his direction and his lack of standing up for you?
Oh he won't rock the boat
Oh he won't rock the boat with his kids, BM threatened to take them away and since then he's bent over backwards for fear she will somehow turn them against him. I am on my own in this.
I'm the caller with family, friends, the SKid, etc....
I stay in touch. Ultimately I generally am the one who gets the calls back and the reach outs from those people.
With the SKid is about 50/50 on who he calls though I am the one who bugs the crap out of him far more often than his mother does.
So, stop feeling bad. Flood the Skids with contact and make it so clear that you are engaging that any calls they make will be to both of you. "Thanks for giving us a call back, how are you, how are your kids, etc......?." Make sure that they do not get to ace you out. Discuss with DH that any question you ask that they ignore he immediately asks the same question with a "Did you hear the question that Lesleylupin asked? Then he repeats that question." Basically, you and their daddy keep rubbing their noses in whatever stench they emanate.
Lather... rinse.... repeat.
Don't get me wrong, it irritates the crap out of both his mom and I that we reach out to him a dozen or more times for each time he reaches out to us. But, that is on him. Like you, I have been in the SParent game since my SKid was very young.
Thank you for your story
I really hope that a future SP reads this and gets some. Insight into what SP really go through. Not to give up your life thinking SK are going to act like you want them to do.
Disengagement is your friend
Keep the door open while they navigate their feelilngs with their toxic BM. From your post and coments, she is actively trying to turn them away from you and actively being toxic.
YOU stepped up. And now she wants to claim the credit and glory. Not much you can do right now, especialy if your DH doesnt have your back. Do not allow him to throw you under the bus, and I would take some time to remind him (when things are not emotionally tense) how you DID step up for them and care for them.
They are in that weird thing called a "loyalty bind" and since the BM is "all in" right now, its being activated = meaning they are not allowed to show love for you or towards you, it would be disloyal to their BM. And no matter how crappy she was in the past, their memories will block that out...
Good luck. Check out disengagement and how you can apply it to your current situation. Read around on here and in the forums.
Everyone has given you
Everyone has given you terrific advice. I can only say that I'm very sorry you are experiencing this.
You should have been
You should have been disengaged.
As you can see this long standing pattern has left you feeling like leftover chopped liver.
Adopt/mentor some kids who are actually grateful...they'll probably get jealous when they see you have your attention elsewhere and they can't emotionally manipulate you anymore