Really new to this ... feel a bit left out and wondering how to handle things for the best?
Hi,
It’s definitely pushing it to say I’m a stepmum of any kind, as I am pretty new to this. Apologies if I am in the wrong place.
I’m dating a man with 3 young kids – 7,4, & 3. I have no kids myself. I’ve met them a few times and it’s always gone pretty well (I’ve been pleasantly surprised!), we have done activities like going swimming; to the park with a picnic etc. They seemed to like me and ask after me if I’m not there. However the weekend that just passed was really tricky at times and I’m after a few pointers please, to do the right thing by us all and preserve my self-esteem.
The weekend we picked them up they’d just got back from holiday with Mum and were tired and cranky. To say they were clingy to their Dad the entire weekend is an understatement (and of course they will be because they are so young and going through a transitional time, I get that). We were out for the day and all 3 of them were demanding to be carried, if I tried to help they shook me off like a leper (anything I did or said all day). They fight to sit next to him; each wants his undivided attention and for him to be in 3 places at once ; if he tried to include me , eg ‘look at this lovely lunch that dakota has made’ it almost made it worse because the 4 year old decided he therefore didn’t want it
This was constant, for the whole weekend. They wouldn’t go to sleep til 10pm and I really felt quite rejected through the whole weekend, which was new, unexpected and difficult. I’m not sure I handled it too well & I really wasn’t sure what to do or say. Felt like driving home sometimes! (95 miles though!) There were occasional glimmers , I had to pop to the shop to get milk and was happily going to do it on my own, figuring the 4 of them could have some time alone but actually the elder 2 decided to tag along, the lure of sweets being too great! But it was rather 80/20 bad/good. I do put it down to a number of things like tiredness, first holiday without Dad and missing him very much, the divorce and parents both in new relationships, their young ages and of course I try to be understanding. I did feel a bit let down at times though because they spoke to me quite rudely and Dad did not really intervene. We are in a small flat and the 3 kids were (finally!) asleep in bed; he invited me in to sleep but turned his back to me to cuddle the sleeping kids. Now I know he sees them so much less than he would like and loves his cuddles but at the end of a day feeling constantly rejected and actually of us not even speaking much because his attention was elsewhere, to have my love turn his back to cuddle them was enough so I retreated to the sofa (again).
So yes, I did feel left out and actually really lonely sometimes. They adore their Dad and he them, so evenings in are the 4 of them cuddling and fighting to sit beside him and I’m just left on my own... Actually the mornings are like that too as they spend a few hours in bed waking up and having a nice time chatting, playing games and cuddling. Dad does try to integrate me sometimes, but I feel like maybe I should just get on with stuff on my own and let them come to me. I hope it won’t always be like this because we will get our own house and there will be space; kids will have bedrooms & I’ll have more of a life (rather than being 95 miles away from my friends and family).
I’m not really sure what the point of my post is. I guess perhaps to ask what to do in this situation? I do empathise with the kids and want to put them first. It must be confusing and a transitional time for them and they are young and naturally clingy. I just am not sure how to play it. When I’m sitting on my own and the 4 of them are on the other side of the room, do I try to join in? How? I haven’t really done this because I feel like an outsider trying to foist myself upon them. At the moment I just walk around doing chores, or just sit quietly on my own (sulking a bit). I don’t want to appear stand off-ish either, so not sure what to do for the best?
Their Dad is the love of my life and I really want us to work out and for the kids to be happy & me to be a great stepmum (in time). I’ve been doing a lot of reading today and bought some books. I guess time helps and talking helps. I am sure I will feel like an outsider for some time … which is hard … coz when it’s just me and my partner we are besotted and don’t leave each others’ sides. This weekend I’ve found particularly difficult and would like to equip myself better.
Thanks for any words of advice, from those more experienced or those on the same path as me.
Well, I suppose the thing
Well, I suppose the thing that stuck out the most for me is that you "hope things will change". They won't, not unless your boyfriend makes some changes. Which he should be doing NOW.
Talk to him, tell him how you felt this weekend. See what he says and if he's willing to make any changes. He might not be, and then you have to make the decision - this IS what it will be like for the rest of your relationship, and can you live with that? If he's willing to make changes, then great, see how that goes.
A few things he needs to address (or at least, it's what popped out of your post):
1) Discipline. Tiredness / divorce / transition / etc may be the reason for rudeness, crankiness, etc, but it still should not be tolerated. Just because you know WHY a child is misbehaving does NOT mean that they get a "free pass". Dad needs to step up and let them know that rudeness is not tolerated EVER. Not to you, not to anyone. He is not doing his children any favors by "letting it slide", he's just going to raise rude adults who think they have the right to be rude when they feel like it. Ick.
2) Sleeping arrangements. Yeah, 3 is pretty little, but the kids should not be sleeping in his bed when you're there. He's setting up a weird dynamic there, where he's ignoring you for them - which teaches them EXACTLY the wrong message. (FWIW, I'm actually a proponent of cosleeping. So it's not that I think a parent should never sleep in the same bed as a child, I love it when it works for everyone. But in your boyfriend's case, it's not working.) They can sleep in the living room, or heck, they can take the bed and the two of you can BOTH sleep on the couch! But you need couple time while the kids are with you so they can get used to the idea that you two are a team.
3) Your relationship with the kids. Let this develop on it's own. Invite them to do stuff with you as you feel comfortable with it. Don't let boyfriend dictate the terms of your relationship with the kids - he does NOT get to tell you what you "have to" do with or for them, got it? That way lies madness...
And I am the opposite as far
And I am the opposite as far as sleeping with kids. Our marital bed is ours alone. There's no IFS ANDS OR BUTS! I wouldn't be comfortable having skids in our bed. They aren't my children. And my kids are not his so they can't be in there either. Plus, my DH almost ALWAYS sleeps naked so gross lol . NOW if a child is sick - I will sleep in THEIR room or if there's a storm and the power is out - we sleep on the floor in our room together but these are my only limits.
It's weird that he tried to put you into bed with children that you don't know. I can understand why that was uncomfortable. I would have DIED if DH had done that while we were dating.
Did you share any of this
Did you share any of this with your partner? They way you felt?
The only way stepparenting (the hardest thing ever) has worked for me is because I learned early to communicate with my now husband about how things felt to me. And he stepped to the plate. How serious is this relationship? Have you talked marriage? because you have a fantasy of living together and you two are besotted together but have you discussed the future? Because this is a huge hurdle to overcome.
What about additional children? Have you had that discussion?
There's a lot to think about.
Don't parent the children. Leave that up to him but when he ignores you all weekend - that's unacceptable andI would decline his next weekend invitation and tell him no thanks and when he asks why just say because you clearly feel the need to give all your love and attention to your children and I have other things to do than feel ignored for a weekend. Tell him point blank.
And really really think about if this is the life you want. Because there's a good chance you will always come in second with this man and depending on if the exwife is crazy - maybe 3rd. I'd stay distant when it comes to the children for a while.
I laid down boundaries in the first year after researching like crazy and my husband adapted. He knows our marriage is first priority. The kids are first responsibility but our family revolves around OUR marriage being healthy. And the seat next to Dad is reserved for hungryeyes, if she wants it, always. That's the ONLY way it works!
First off let me say welcome
First off let me say welcome to StepTalk.
It COULD get better for you, as far as the kids go (but it could get worse, or stay the same too). You're (in their eyes) intruding on their time with dad... 'maybe I should just get on with stuff on my own and let them come to me.' This would be your best option. Let's the kids get use to the idea of you being with their Dad, show them that you're not trying to take him from them, or anything like that.
Just know, that you will always be second to his Kids... And sometimes even second to BM. Try not to resent his time with his kids (because, trust me, you will someday) when they are with him they'll want more attention, and things of that nature, but just roll with it. (This is what I do with SD, and FDH and I have been together for 3years) I get that SD misses her Dad when she's gone, and 3-4 days a week is all she gets. I just do my thing, as if nothing has changed when SD comes home, she will as me for things, and will ASK to sit on my lap, now, OE cuddle with me. But that is very rare, she's all about FDH. So the times that she does want to involve me in cuddles,or play I take advantage.
Just don't rush the kids into warming up to you... Eventually they will. Hopefully for your sake they do.
I don't think the skids were
I don't think the skids were just tired and cranky ... it sounds to me like BM is starting her passive aggressive "alienation" campaign, which means anything you say or do for the skids (positive or negative) will get reported back to BM. And she will coach them on what to say, how to reject you, etc. If this turns out to be true, it will never, ever, ever change to be in your favor. Mother-love is the strongest on the planet and those kids will always reject you if their mother teaches them they need to.
Then, she may amp it up and turn it from rejection to outright hostility towards you. Smart-mouthing you, telling you "you aren't my Mom, I don't have to listen to you" etc. Read these boards and you will see the horror show it can be.
Don't think it will end after a few years, either. Go to the Adult Stepkids section and see how women have put up with this kind of stuff for DECADES!
On the other hand, perhaps these three kids may come around eventually. Statistically, if that does happen, it may not be for a long long time with a lot of heartache in between.
My only advice is DO NOT upset your life or your plans/dreams/goals nor would I give up any job or home for this kind of relationship. Unless, as others have said, you can openly communicate with your SO, he is willing to take action when needed to parent his kids and not expect you to. Only after seeing him demonstrate this for a few years, would I consider a permanent move.