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I want this to end -more I don’t understand

RockyRoads's picture

I want to know what parenting or maybe divorce book says that only parents should be picking up their child?  I am being sarcastic. Now I have begun to speculate more and more about what SO does because he is so manipulative to get his way about his kids.I suppose he was asked to pick SS up after the basketball game by BM and he didn't think he could because he was working . He got done sooner then expected and SS grandfather was picking him up .  GP was already at the school waiting for him . When SO told me ,which , as you know I don't care he basically was begging GP to pick him up himself.  Again it shouldn't surprise me but seriously. Then SO later says he wants to take me to breakfast and walk around this area of town we like to go to. But then he says he should really ASK BM if he can pick SS up after practice instead of before  Somehow they have gotten into this routine of SO taking him because BM only wants to pick him up and take him to lunch etc. you know because SS will do things with BM and not SO. She does the driving when it suits her . I said don't worry we don't have to go. Again with no mean tone. SO says you have to stop with you temper I have to do my share with SS rides.  SO said he felt bad because GP had to do it today.  BM shouldn't have had to get to do it. Let me tell you this GP is as bad as my SO with following this child around. It is like it is his hobby now that he is retired.  I would be making GP do it more since he is up the kids butt. The thing is why do BM and SO think it is so bad to have someone else pick up their kid. If there was a CO both of them would have had to find rides for years for these kids when it was there visitation days. Not backing each other up. Yes I know SO will always do it because he seems to like it. I am venting again .


RockyRoads's picture

And is it normal to beg your child to let you drive them places? And be excited about when you get to run him somewhere?  Do normal people do this?  I know a lot of it is because SO doesn't get any other time with SS but to me it seems to be an extreme.

ESMOD's picture

The less you have of something.... the more precious that seems... 

I think you have to accept your SO does what he is doing.. because HE wants to do it.  He wants every crumb of his kid's time.. because that's all he is getting.. instead of being offended.. like you are.. it just makes the desire to do anything even stronger for him.

This is a fundamental difference in how you both see this.  

In the end.. these are his kids... the unconditional love and all that.. the dynamic has been long established.. it will not change.

You only have two choices.

1.  Stay.. learn to accept it and deal with the "missing" partner and inconvenience.. and the fact that he spends every loose dollar on his kids.


2.  Leave.. cut the rope.. leave what you see as the dysfunction in this relationship.


I think he and his EX feel their kids are their responsibility.. so that is where it is "written" so to speak. in book of parenting.. you do for your children.. even above your own wants and needs.. a mother will starve so her kids can eat and survive.  Your SO is also in the lower power position with the kid and his EX.. she is the primary parent.. so the kid has most allegiance to her.. because she controls his life.. so the kid gets power from her.. because her parenting is child centric.. forcing your SO to be child centric.. because he has no other option if he wants to be in his kid's life.

He also gets something out of driving.. he feels useful.. he feels part of his kid's life.. he likes to take part in his kid's sports stuff.. likely something he brags about to his buddies (whether his kid is as good as your SO will say.. that is irrelevant).. this is brag board stuff.. ego stuff.. a kid he made is on the travel teams.. etc.. 

Unfortunately.. there is zero you can do to change any of this..  he will "try" for short times.. but then the overwhelming guilt of not doing what a father 'should" comes in.. and he backslides.

That all doesn't mean your SO doesn't see that his kid has flaws.. but for a parent.. they are seen much differently than you see them.

since this is basically wrecking your life to the point you are hyper focused on it all.. I think you would probably be happier alone.. not with your SO... and this situation

RockyRoads's picture

I am on my way out. I just promised I would do the couples therapy. It has taken so long for appointments. I  know that no matter how much therapy we get he will do what he does and I will never stop being bothered by it. I know this is not the life I want and I want him to also have the life he seems to need. 

Lillywy00's picture

It doesn't sound "normal" to me because I think too many parents now a days (especially ones with no life and no self identity and no self respect) are chasing validation through their offspring 

RockyRoads's picture

And he complains about SS to me. About his attitude, about how bad he is at sports, about how he wants nothing to do with SO except getting driven places. That bothers me even more. If you adore your child so much stop talking crap about them. And it is not that he trying to fake me out by saying these things and really not meaning them. He talks to same to the grandfather and his BM about the kid. But then they all baby him even more. 

AgedOut's picture

just because he wants to talk down his kid doesn't mean you should or have to be his audience. Change the subject when he starts. 


"That reminds me DH, did you know ..."

"Before I forget to mention it..."

"Speaking of x,y,z what do you think we should ..."

"I was thinking of painting, planting, doing... what do you think DH?" 


shut it down every time until he stops doing it. He can't expect you to understand his need to beg for SKiddos attention but at the same time expect oyu to listen to him down talk his kid. 


RockyRoads's picture

I constantly try to change the subject. He just keeps at me and at me.  If I don't answer he is upset, if I agree he is upset.  I guess what he is  expecting is for me to say no your wrong your son is best , most awesomest kid ever!!  

RockyRoads's picture

Oh I have tried that before. His answer to me is that he just wants me to listen. I tell him then quit asking what I think when I don't respond. Nothing I do is correct.  And no matter what it is turned on me. I think he is too far gone with his ways that no amount of therapy will help him. 

ESMOD's picture

when he wants you to listen.. you need to immediately come back with.

The therapist absolutely told you to not do this with me.. if you aren't going to listen to their advice.. why do we bother going.. let's just end this.

la_dulce_vida's picture

That's another setup and I believe it's part of triangulation.

He sets out bait by complaining about his son. You agree with him and he turns on you, defending his son.

I'm sure you've seen this behavior before and you have likely learned to NOT take the bait, but I do recall him pushing you to let him talk about his son to you when you were trying to change the subject.

This person sounds like his aim is to get a rise out of you.

RockyRoads's picture

Why would anyone want to live this way. Always trying to get a ride out of someone else. What is the benefit for him. Wouldn't he rather not do that so can be nice to him instead of  like he always says mean with a temper. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

IF, and it's a far-fetched IF, he's a narcissist, they need to feed off of other people's emotions and reaction. They are master manipulators and getting a reaction out of other people is their fuel much like blood feeds a vampire.

We all exist on a narcissitic spectrum with only the rarest individuals having narcissistic personality disorder.

It is possible that he has strong narcissistic traits/behaviors without being NPD.

la_dulce_vida's picture

"I said don't worry we don't have to go. Again with no mean tone. SO says you have to stop with you temper I have to do my share with SS rides."

Oh sweetie. This is a CLASSIC SETUP. Not saying he's a narcissist, but it's straight out of their playbook.

Toxic person offers a nice outing to their victim.

Victim gets excited.

Toxic person introduces an obstacle to the nice outing.

Victim calmy says, that's okay.

Toxic person accuses victim of getting angry and having a temper.


You've been setup.

Harry's picture

Are not parents together..  But playing games against each other.. don't get involved.  GP is doing it...giver him something to do. He gets to spend time with his GS. 

RockyRoads's picture

You are correct they are not parenting together. It is so much dysfunction.  SO would rather be fired from his job for always leaving early so that he can pick up his kids instead of grandpa.

Rags's picture

That your SO is BM's and SSs beck and call Uber bitch is pathetic.  Unless specifically and clearly demanded in the CO, there is zero legal requirement for parents to pick up and drop off their kids.  The original wording in our CO is that "each party is responsible for the transport of the child to the party's location". There is zero requirement for the parent to do it themselves. Only to be responsible for doing it.  We took exception to the Spermidiot not picking up his then toddler son for visitation.  He never did it once, never visited SS, never called to speak with SS. Not once in the 16+ years we were under the CO.  So, we had our attorney petitition the Judge to require the Spermidiot to get his kid. Nope. The Judge clarified and updated the CO to "Each party is responsible for the transport of the child to the party's location using any acceptable mode of transport including, grand parents, extended family or other responsible adult 3rd parties.".

We got our hand spanked and were given clarity by the Judge.  So, while he was a toddler, his GGP would fly to our city, we would pick up GGP at his hotel, drive GGP and SS to the airport, and drop them off for the flight.  Upon GGP's demise, never again did a SpermClan family member come to get SS for SpermLand visitation.  SpermGrandHag drafted her daughter's husband's mother to come get SS.  That woman's DD went to Unversity and lived in our city after graduation so the Hag bribed her SIL's mother to do the kid escorting for visitation with a weekend visit with that woman's DD.

No actual close relative ever visited, picked up, called, or in any way participated in SS's real life.  Not once. Only the one GGP.  A nice guy too.  We even had him in our home for coffee once.  We would often take him to lunch of dinner when he was in his hotel waiting to leave back to SpermLand with then toddler SS.  His Hag of a daughter and POS grand son somehow missed the decent person genes that SS's GGP seemed to have.

The shallow and polluted shit puddle SpermClan gene pool caused any amount of drama and emotional trauma for my kid. Being escorted to SpermLand for SpermClan visitation was not one of the things that caused SS issues.  Who gives a shit who the Uber driver is as long as they do their job and get the kid to his destination on time and safely ?  Better that is is WombGrandPa than some rando.  Particularly when that gets your kid butt sniffing ball-les DH's nose out of his kids ass for a minute.

Spice it up for DH when WombGrandPa does the kid butt sniffing and Uber bitching.  Make it a point tie the spice to the opportunity provided by DH running to the beck and call of his  and their failed family spawn.

Win, win for you.  Break the kid butt sniffing beck and call Uber bitch cycle that your DH is hell bent on detracting from your marriage with, and have some fun.  With the added bonus of  scrubbing DH's nose in the stench his ball-less baggage catering antics causes in his life, your life, and your marriage. Whether DH recognizes it as a win or has fun... really does not matter.

"Hey, BM's father is sniffing the kids butt and Uber bitching for BM and the SKid. Lets get neked!!!!!"

Your DH is playing you.  I would put my foot down on that making sure that DH did not allow his Uber bitch tendencies to interfere in your life.

This kid is so F'd. He is far more likely than not  going to be an infantilized snivvling basement dwelling failed kidult with this ball-less COD kid butt sniffing daddy example and a domineering controlling mommy who has daddy under her thumb raising him.

Poor kid.

Make sure to never own a home with a basement or you may have this basement troll cursing your world for a very long time. If you already own one, sell it.  Protect yourself and your marriage from the basement dwelling failed Skidult troll.  Make sure that there are no available extra rooms in your home as well.  At best, offer this invariably future failed Skidult a cot in your garden shed. Not a granny pod, or guest casita. But an actual rusty old metal dirt floored garden shed that has rust holes in the roof and is nearly falling over.  Enjoy that karmac justice.


As others have mentioned, time to stop letting your ball-less idiot kid butt sniffing pathetic DH bait you into commenting on his son. Stop that. Instead, make it about DH.  

"Why do you sniff your kids butt and kiss your XW's ass constantly?  It is so unattractive.  When are you going to stop being their beck and call Uber bitch and start being an actual man and a MY husband?"

Then hand him the calendar and demand that he circle his no more kid butt sniffing XW ass kissing beck and call Uber bitch end date in big red marker.  Then nail it to the wall whe he has no choice but to see it, scan it, text it to him, email it to him, and never let him ignore or forget that date for the rest of his hopefully no more beck and call bitch life.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I get the occassional need and appropriatness of helping a family member.  But that cannot be the day in and day out status.  It has to be only on an actual legitimate need basis and occassional at most. Or... the X will never stop the demanding bullshit and the failed family baggage children will never be self supporting and independent.

We are so blessed that Daaaaaaadddeeeeee and Mommmmmmmy  or jumping through our asses backwards for the toxic opposition is not a thing in our marriage.

Good luck.

grannyd's picture

Rags, you kill me!

I had to pause several times, while reading your post, to snort with laughter before I was fit to continue. Talk about ‘say it like it is’; you are the absolute MAESTRO! ♥️

RockyRoads's picture

I wish all of that was easy to do My SO makes everything and anything so hard.  My stomach is in knots right now because the travel team just  said that next weekend starts the practice. I said so how are you splitting that with BM. I said since your feel the need to split the school baseball practice. He said he would just do all of it since she gets him to school early when there is morning football practice. I said he lives with her and she works from home. She has no where to be. It is her responsibility.  And she never spilts the private practices with SO. I wish I wouldn't have made the promise about going to therapy.

Winterglow's picture

with the status quo. As far as he is concerned  you are the one who has a problem. 

So just tell him that you've had it, that you can't take it anymore, and that there is no point in counselling because he isn't willing to charge anything, and won't make the slightest concession for you. Tell him you had expected to be a life partner but all you are is a bit on the side and that you're worth more.

Rags's picture

Internalizing, living with your stomach in knots, and smelling BM's and SS's asses on his nose every time you kiss your DH has to be addressed.  

HE is invadingy our life, HE is destroying your marriage, and HE is the cause of your knotted stomach. Not BM, not SS, but your idiot failed family baggage dragging, XW/SS butt sniffing beck and call uber bitch  of a husband.

Him, him, and only him, is the problem.  You have to go to therapy for yourself. F*** your DH. In fact, never mind on ever F-ing him again.  I recommend that you not go to therapy with him until you have found a confidence building boundary setting expert therapist and grown a spine, set your must have boundaries, and started to keep you foot up your DH's pathetic ass.

Please. For your own good, for your life's happiness.  This crap has to end.  Soon. One way or the other.  He has to man up, or he has to go.


Take care of  you.

RockyRoads's picture

I want to go with him so that I can tell him in front of someone that I am done and don't want HIS life, I want MINE. I need someone to say to him do you hear her she is done. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

You actually don't need this and if you got it, it won't make a difference. Anyone that committed to misunderstanding you is not going to suddenly hear you because someone else in the room.

The way you let him know you're done is that you start planning your exit and then you leave.

Survivingstephell's picture

You can change your mind.  Women do it all the time.  C spidering this new turn of events, I'd say it's time for reevaluation and a new plan 

ndc's picture

Don't worry about the therapy.  If you're leaving anyway, it doesn't matter,  promise or not. Just extricate yourself from this dysfunctional mess - you know therapy isn't going to change anything. 

RockyRoads's picture

Last night we are relaxing and watching a series we are watching. He gets a text and it is BM. SS decided to to go watch the varsity basketball game and went alone. I guess he must of tried ti talk to his "friends" and they told him they wanted nothing to do with him. And on and on.  You know SO has to tell me and wants a response. I said this is causing a lot of unnecessary communication/ Hebsaidnitnis about SS. I said so then you are going to talk to SS to see what I really happend to cause this. I said right or wrong SS may need guidance with this . SO said it wasn't his issue it is up to BM. I said then right now with these texts all you are doing is going back  and forth complaining about SS and his friends . SO said you can see it is mostly BM. I said I am not discussing this with you put the phone down because all that is going to come out of this is me being pissed at you. He did put it down.                                                               It is just always something  , always with him.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"Little Timmy's peers don't like him! Let's text about it all night, real dramatic-like. Whatever we do, let's not raise him to not be such a little shit. That would make life peaceful and happy. We can't have that!"

You must realize by now that DH and BM are drama addicts. They don't want a normal life. 

RockyRoads's picture

They do want the drama. BM text again today. We were trying to have that nice morning I didn't want to do anyway. BM know that SO wasn't available to take SS at a certain time because of plans but at that exact time as soon as BM dropped SS off she had to text and Said the poor baby doesn't think he is going to make the varisity baseball team.  Why would he make it he can't bat.  SO had to answer her back immediately. I said you need to stop the  shit with the texting because no one is planning on fixing anything. He then through the phone in the side pocket of the car where he couldn't get to it. My thing is i shouldn't have to keep telling him and honestly like he didn't text again the minute I wasn't around. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

This guy is not "life partner" material. He is unable to manage his baggage enough to be fully present for a new relationship. You have tried and tried to get him to change. He either can't or won't. 

Winterglow's picture

Yes, it's always something, he complains a lot but it's never,ever his responsibility or fault. He's been a parent for many years but puts everything on BM's shoulders as if he was never allowed to parent...if he won't at least try to change things he really should hold his tongue.

Lillywy00's picture

My ex dude and his manipulative c*nt breeder were like this. 

She ran guilt trips on him for expecting her to do what most normal people with kids do .... which is allow the extended family (aka the village) to help raise these kids. 

This itchB has MULTIPLE aunts, grandparents, etc that can and will help her as a single divorced breeder but Nooooo...she will con this guilt riddled fool using some of the oldest tactics in the book to be her SOLE source of support for her crumbsnatchers (see 24/7 B*tch Beck n Call Mobile Hotline ... with unlimited complimentary Uber and Manny service)


So he'd essentially be running his dumb a$$ all over town during HER parenting times AND paying her to do her job which she was barely doing. Naw...if I have to watch our household money go out to another women ... that mf best be doing EXACTLY what she's paid to do = sit down, be unseen and unheard, stfu, and take care of those kids like a good layaway plan pr0stitute is supposed to do!

Survivingstephell's picture

You are part of the drama triangle.  Take yourself out it.  Learn to become totally incompetent to solve his problems.  He is using learned helplessness to get you to solve HIS problems but sets you up to fail.  You keep pointing out logic , not supporting his dysfunctional ways.   So play dumb from now on. Shrug your shoulders and say " I don't know"  or " that's a tough one , not sure what to do"  , stuff like that.  You acknowledge you heard him but have no solution.  Throw it right back onto him where it belongs.  

I learned this in therapy.  It works.  

RockyRoads's picture

Now BM has started to walk with a friend in our neighborhood.  Where we walk all of the time. Especially SO with the dog. We drove by her yesterday and you should have seen her look to see if it was SO vehicle. She is up to something. IMO anyway. Constant texting, does nothing with her fiancé, she needs someone to hear her complain about SS.  I am not getting good feelings from her for some reason.  

RockyRoads's picture

I wish it was a big dog. It is a little yappy , annoying, embarrassment. lol. SO actually got it while he was still married to BM. So technically it is her dog too.  Maybe I can borrow my friends enormous German Shepherd.  

PetSpoiler's picture

I don't get why no is such a hard word for him to say.  I admit my dad drove me to A LOT of things.  Mom wasn't available due to her work schedule.  She did when she could but her work schedule didn't allow for it most of the time.  He was available more often than not, so he took care of it.  But never did he leave work early to drive me somewhere.  If neither parent nor older sibling was available I phoned a friend.  Dad had no problem with saying no.  And you know what?  I still loved him and respected him.  I still wanted to see him and have a father-daughter relationship with him.  If his son is treating him badly, that's on him.  My dad also had no problem with correcting me when I needed it.  I couldn't run to my mom about it because she would've backed HIM up, her EX-husband.  

His kids already don't care about him.  He needs a reality check.  But not from you.  I wouldn't say a word about them.  Only exception would be as you're walking out the door to LEAVE his sorry pathetic behind.  

RockyRoads's picture

I am done saying anything about his kids to him. It is so hard to always deflect it when he wants a reaction out of me.  I shouldn't have to always think about ways to immediately change the subject it is very very hard.  He really isn't available to run SS like he does. He lets interfere with everything in his life. And yes it makes it so much worse when the kids don't really care for him.