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Maybe it has been me all along

RockyRoads's picture

I think maybe I have put all the blame on SO and his dysfunction when it was me all along. I think what it is is that I don't want someone with kids and an ex. I don't care for his baggage. That is his life and I am the one to blame because I just keep trying to make him change it and I shouldn't.  I just need to leave and stop being the bad guy that i obviously am. 


ESMOD's picture

Just because a situation isn't suited to you.. doesn't make you a bad person.. but staying and trying to discourage a parent from having a relationship or supporting their child.. is not right.. and it might make you a "selfish" person if you put your desire to have a relationship before the needs of other people.

I don't have kids of my own.. and becoming a step parent to two girls who were 5 and 9.. was challenging to say the least.  It's not for the faint of heart.  It's not for those who need to have a high degree of control and certainty in their lives.. and it's not for those that can't get past the fact that their partner had a relationship before them.. and can't accept the financial and moral obligation to be present in their child's life.

But.. it also falls on the partner to raise kids who will behave respectly to  his new partner.. for setting reasonable boundaries and expectations for his kids.. for how his family treats his new partner..   He may have little control over a dramatic EX.. but it's also his job to minimize the impact on his new partner.. that did not create kids with that ex.

A new partner is not always THE priority.. his primary obligation is to raise his minor children.. but their wants don't overpower the partner's needs.. everyone in the family should be important.. and be a priority.. although.. sometimes the needs of some will take precedence.

Without more of a window into why you feel you are the bad guy.. why it doesn't work.. it's tough to give a full read.. everything above is just general reflections.

RockyRoads's picture

ESMOD I should have said I had to change my account I am the women with SS who does the sports and SO can't make boundaries. I am realizing that maybe it is just me. I need to let him have his life . I am just exhausted. 

ESMOD's picture

ahhhh.. ok.

I remember.. and I don't think you are a bad person.. but you are in a situation that you need to either accept.. or get out.. for your own sanity.

It's not going to change.. your SO is going to support his kid in sports.. no matter the cost in money.. time.. etc.. and it's partially because he won't say no to EX.. but also he doesn't want to say no to his kid.. he doesn't care if the kid isn't talented.. isn't making it into the big leagues.. he thinks it's his job to support what his kid wants to do.. and he is afraid of the backlash from his EX if he won't do what she wants to have happen..

and his involvement in his kid's sports.. it's the last bit of connection he gets with them really.. no his kid isn't grateful or aware of how lucky he is to be so supported.. but he is likely surrounded by entitled kids that have parents doing the same indulgent thing.

So.. yeah.. if you can't accept this.. I think you would be happier out of the situation.

RockyRoads's picture

I am definitely contemplating my removal from the situation this weekend. We were to start therapy and he hasn't made his one on one appointment so that is telling me he is fine with things how they are. If he enjoys his life the way it is and I don't I need to quit telling myself it will get better. It won't. It isn't fair for either of us. 

advice.only2's picture

I believe kids should enhance your life, not consume it, but in todays society it’s so kid centric that couples lose themselves in the children and forget they are partners.  I know for me having a weak ineffective partner who catered to his daughter to the determent of our marriage has left lasting scars that don’t heal.  Once his daughter aged out the problems persisted, it just solidified that he is a shit partner who has no clue how to be in a functional relationship.

RockyRoads's picture

It is ture maybe he can't function in a relationship Even without the kids and ex involved. But I don't think I can wait to find out .  Not that he puts his kids in first it is that he doesn't understand what I want and I don't understand what he wants. Example: If I want to watch a movie I don't want to wait another 30 minutes while he calls his kids for the nightly checklist of questions. In my eyes he is wasting his time and In His eyes he considers it a relationship with kids. But I start the movie without him because it is interfering with my time. And not that he has even said he wants to watch a movie he is always upset I stated one without him. So I can't even enjoy what I want . 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

If i'm not mistaken, you are a widow after a long marriage without kids. That's the life you want. A guy with teens, loose boundaries, and a dysfunctional ex won't make you happy. TBH, it probably won't make anyone happy. I have kids of my own and an ex, but my boundaries don't align with someone with a total lack of them. Plus when they start hiding things, it only makes it worse. You are not THE problem. Wanting different things from your partner and trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole is A problem, but the blame isn't all or nothing. In the end, it doesn't matter who is to blame. It works or it doesn't. 

Rags's picture

Do not brutalize yourself.  It is his baggage, not yours.

While his past cannot be erased, if he is managing the baggage from his past effectively, it will not overly interfere in your life and the life you and he share.

Can you make adjustments? Certainly. 

But his past is his and you did not create it. He did.  

Take care of you.

Living your best life should be your focus. Living well is also... the best revenge. 

So, stop blaming yourself for his baggage and enjoy living your best life ... and the related revenge.

IMHO, even in intact marriages, the marriage and partners have to be the priority above all else. Always.  Kids are the top adult responsibility. Not the priority. Kids benefit from a prioritized adult relationship. It sets the example. Kids need that example. This mistake is at the heart of many failed families and marriages, first... and subsequent.  Parents who sniff the asses of their children for some reason never seem to stop. Ever.  Which can end even a long term initial marriage after kids should be viable adults.  The first time I heard a person say that their kids were far more important than their mate (the father of the children) and he would be gone if he ever through he was more important than the kids, I was stunned.  It was a coworker when I was in my mid 20s.  Another coworker saw the look on my face and said to me "Your parents have been married for almost 30 years.  This is different."  Which I also did not understand.  Why be married if your mate is not your priority and you theirs?  Not my paradigm for sure.

The example we were raised with was the exact opposite.  Mom and dad were the priority for each other, as was their marriage.  It was clear that we were to never put our parents in the position of choosing us over each other or their marriage and that doing that would be a near fatal error.

I had the same perspective in my first marriage. My XW, did not. Fortunately, we had no children.  DW and I, are on the same page. and always have been. Though me choosing from day one to be dad to her son, mitigated much of any potential related drama.

Your likely STBX failed once, and is doing it again.  At least the second time because he has prioritized his failed family baggage over his marriage/mate.  That... is on him.  Not you.  You have been banging the marriage/mate priority drum the whole time. He... is deaf to all but the flatulence emitting from his kid's ass. He is incapable of being a quality partner.  Nor can he smell the roses of life. For obvious reasons.  He is a failed man, a failed partner, and sadly, he is failing as a father.  The parent model he is providing to his son will in all likelihood result in similar adult failures for the kid.

Be kind to yourself.

Give rose

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"Your parents have been married 30 years, that's different." That is WHY they have been married so long. That's why they are different. 

Harry's picture

Are so hard. You want to control your life. Not have BM and SK controlling your time.  DH has to understand if he wants to talk to his kids, the world doesn't stop for him .  If he wants that he shouldn't be in a relationship.  You in your mind as some point understood that SK will be over X days and Y time.  Not nights watching sports. Bor phone calls in the middle of tv time