How do you handle the graduate
SD is graduating tomorrow , child support ends for her. But we still have two years before SS graduates. I am wondering how you or your SO handle it if BM still contacts you about the one who is done with child support? Because I am sure she will . Do you just let her until the other one is also done ?
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Only your DH can set and
Only your DH can set and enforce those boundaries, and from your previous blogs, you know he struggles with this. If he won't keep her in her place when they are minors, a birthday or graduation won't make him change. He has to want to take his b@lls back from out of her purse enough to actually do it.
While we know your DH
While we know your DH struggles with boundaries as Rumplestilskin said... the reality is that 18 is not a magical number where kids no longer need to be parented.
I'm guessing that SD will be with her mom primarily.. so you can expect and it would be normal for there to still potentially be some things BM might contact your DH about his daughter.. there may still be things that a parent might help their kid with after 18...
I'm not sure what kind of things you are concerned about.. so for that.. I guess it might depend on whether it was reasonable.. but given the existing dynamic.. I don't expect it changes.
Again.. parents are still parents... even after a person is 18.. so to expect to hear nothing about them.. it's probably not realistic.
I agree that there may always
I agree that there may always be what most would consider a valid reason to contact an ex even after a child is grown. But it's sort of like the difference between porn and a love scene. When it crosses that line, you know it when you see it. Rocky's DH has long operated out of fear of losing the skids, since they don't stay with him and the only time he gets to see them is when BM texts because she needs him to bring them somewhere or pay for something (that's probably an extreme take but from RR's blogs, that's what it sounds like.) And RR's DH probably feels he has to reply to all her texts because if he pisses her off, there go the skids. This dynamic may not change when the skids grow up. Then enter grandskids. BM will likely try to gatekeep them, too. RR's mistake IMO is the one I also made. Trying to respond to this by gatekeeping her DH. He has to want it, or she is just the controlling wife (like I was the controlling GF.) No matter how ridiculous or over the top he and BM are with their "coparenting."
I agree.. unless he sees it
I agree.. unless he sees it as a problem.. it will just be a constant source of conflict for RR.. and she will be the harpy that is trying to keep him from his kids... she can't win with that tactic.
The only.. and I mean only way that I see this working is if she just accepts that her DH will over-communicate with his EX... at least more than she wants... and he will always probably jump to do whatever for his kids.. so since she can't change it.. and over the years.. it's clear that this is not something he wants to change.. and so it won't change.. all she can do is work on her own ability to ignore it.
Does DH not have direct
Does DH not have direct communication with his children? If not, could he then try to establish contact with SD now that she is graduated and will be an adult. Reality is he will still have to communicate with her for the child who is still a minor.
Has anyone else dealt with
Has anyone else dealt with this situation. I am wondering if you just let it keep happening until the youngest one is done with child support too? He has tried to get his kids to communicate with him on their own but they are horrible at keeping him updated on things. The other day SD needed a ride home from work and instead of her asking BM asked him. It is these simplest things that his kids won't even communicate with him.
The answer is yes
You asked if BM would still contact DH once the child turns 18. Yes, she will. Our BM was still contacting DH when the "kids" were in their 40s. Anytime they had a bump in the road as adults, she'd call him. I guess it was to vent altho I'm guessing she hoped he'd fly to the rescue in his "White Knight" persona. Thankfully, he seldom told me about her calls and, as long as it didn't affect me, like having to shell out or have somebody foisted on me, I didn't care.
He has trying and trying to
He has trying and trying to stop her from contacting him so much. He will tell her to tell the kids to contact him directly and he continues to reiterate to the kids they need to keep him informed. His kids just don't seem to care to do it. I think he let them take advantage for so long that it is now a learned behavior. He is now even getting to the point where he is extremely frustrated with the kids and how they are turning out. He said he loves his son but really doesn't like the person he is. Of course SO wants to blame everyone else . He says he did not really get an opportunity to parent and can't control anything BM does. But I believe everybody in SS life contributed to how he is. But back to my original subject. Do you think that SO should insist , for instance, that is SD needs a ride home from college that he does not respond to BM and makes SD ask him. Those sort of things. Because BM will be contacting about SS so does that give her the right to contact him about SD. I just want to see some light at the end of the tunnel on SO having a better relationship with his kids so that BM is not always the go between.
In a nutshell no it’s not
In a nutshell no it’s not going to change since his kids are obviously okay with BM handling the communication aspect and DH has allowed this behavior to continue. He can be at the end of his rope all he wants; he helped create this reality. The only way to stop it, is to stop responding when she texts or calls about SD. He could then respond to SD only, “Do you really need a ride? Please let me know directly.” If she doesn’t, well guess she didn’t really need a ride that bad. He should expect the contact to ramp up because when you try to break a bad habit the automatic response is to do it more to get the normally expected reaction.
So... here's the thing. I am
So... here's the thing. I am guessing that BM communicates with her daughter frequently.. so when an issue like needing a ride comes up.. they have talked about it.. and since mom is already communicating with your SO... she just lumps in the SD things too.. I'm sure that is how it will go.
Unless your DH is prepared to get militant about it and tell his ex that he will not do things when she asks.. only when the kids ask directly.. that's when it stops. If the kids won't.. then I guess he is off the hook? But it means he has to grow a backbone.. and despite years of you nagging him about it he hasn't.. so I don't see why it will EVER change.
Does she have a "right".. that is irrelevant really.. it's whether she will and whether he will allow it. the answer to both is probably yes.
This is ridiculous. I can see
This is ridiculous. I can see BM calling about certain things, but really? About rides?! It's simple: Yes, SO should let BM calls go to voicemail. If the VM is about something a skid should have called him about, he can call the skid. If it's something else, he can call back BM.
Voicemail is our friend.
"Have OK call me." Click.
End of problem.
BM should not be contacting daddy regarding their Oldest Kid unless that OK is physically unable to contact daddy.
If BM calls IMHO DH should force the call to the topic of YK and if it is about OK "Have OK call me." and end the call.
A divorce ends the connection between the Xs other than specific topics regarding minor kids.
A key success factor in a subsequent marriage is that the X is kept in their place and any interface between the Xs is kept on topic and otherwise does not happen.
Graduations, weddings, GK births, etc... have to be communicated directly between the kid and the parent. Going through the other parent or the other parent overstepping is a non starter.
We set this very early in our blend. We did not use SS as a conduit. When the noxious SpermClan did, we told SS that was not appropriate and to tell them they had to call directly rather than trying to use SS as their messenger boy. That came to a head when he was a few years from aging out from under the CO. He got a rusty fishhook stuck in his leg while swimming during a SpermClan camping trip. His mom and I were on a weekend trip of our own on the opposite side of the country when he called at SpermGrandHag's behest to confirm the date of his last tetanus shot. We did not have the records with us. DW told SS to have the Hag call her. Click. SS called back saying that "Grandma says I have to talk to you about it." DW told him that GrandMa needs to call her and that the kid was not the messenger boy. That all came down to the Hag calling and being told that she either got the kid to a clinic for a tetanus shot or to have her credit cared ready for the helicopter ambulance when it landed on top of their tent at the remote lake they were camping at. The Hag went all shrieking banshee at that point, loaded SS in the car, left the camping trip, drove hours back to he home town to take SS to the OR and the two of them remained at the Hag's lair until the rest of the family finished the trip a few days later and returned home. Had we been at home we would have confirmed the date of SS's last tetanus shot. But, we were not ending our trip for a Hag request and we were not using SS as the conduit for any discussion with the Hag.
Kids are not the messenger service for a toxic parent as minors. Though once they age out of the CO, there is no reason for the Xs to ever speak again except in specific cases of emergencies where the kidult is not able to make the call for themselves.
IMHO of course.