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SS moved out/ran away to noncustodial parent

Salan787's picture

Hello everyone,

You can take a quick look at my previous posts if you want to get familiar with my situation

Today all of a sudden DH found out that his son 14 wants to live with his mom. BM disappeared when they were 5, DH got the full custody and now they are 14 twins and one just ran away didnt come back home and called his dad to ask for his documents and that he will live with his mom now. DH is heartbroken. I feel his pain and have no idea how to support him. Although this is unlawful, she wants to take him live in another country with her and DH says he will let him go or the son will hate hIm if he just take him away against his will. He lied for a very long time to him and everyone around, he was seeing his mom for a long time now and just ran away one day. Crazy. She has no custody, so the teen can't live with her, but he asked his dad to let him go if he lives him. BM brainwashed him probably, he didn't say goodbye to his grandpa, to his twin brother, to his dad, no one. 
Now I'm concerned about BM plotting something against me and my husband. She is psychological unstable. It's a crazy situation. DH loves his sons very much, he raised them and now one just left, he is not himself rn and it's ultimately affecting me and our relationship. I'm trying to be there for him. 


Winterglow's picture

If he lets him go, he will ruin any chance the kid has of a future. He should go and get him and get a restraining order against BM for attempted kidnapping (what country is she planning on taking him to?). If she's been MIA for so long, why didn't he have her rights terminated for abandonment?

Now is the time for him to prove how much he loves his kids by finally standing up and being a parent. 

Winterglow's picture

Sorry, I forgot where you lived so parts of my advice may not be valid. My apologies.

Survivingstephell's picture

If you read her previous blogs, this might explain a lot.   These twins have been rotten to live with and I have to wonder how much BM was encouraging it.   DH could go get him , force the issue but then you you are looking at legal fees for a skid that might keep running back to her. 

According to what you've previously written, DH isn't much of a parent so this isn't too surprising.  Heartbroken? He should be furious.  Don't spend too much of your energy making DH feel better.  He has reaped what he sowed IMO.  Granted having a crazy metally unstable parent is tough but DH did not educated his sons on that fact.  How long do you think SS will last with her?  Might this be a lesson for him?  

My oldest got swayed by my ex. Turned out he didn't take care of her, empty promises, just wanted a cut in CS.  She came home after a few months.  I told her never again, she leaves for the other home and she's there for good.  Not playing that game.  If she's as unstable as you say, SS could very well end up being dumped back on your doorstep, then what?   

Take it a day at a time, enjoy some peace for yourself and think things thru before you make a move.  Can DH afford a legal battle and not harm the family financially?  It's a real hard question to answer, first inclination is to fight for SS but at what cost?   


notarelative's picture

What DH is feeling is valid. But, in many places, it is not easy to just move from country to country.

BM wants to take SS to another country. Is BM a legal resident there? Is that country safe? If SS goes there how difficult will it be to get him back if he wants to come back? Are there any legal things (visas, permit to live) that need to be done before he would leave? Does SS speak the language where he would be? 

Rags's picture

Hell no to the 14yo living with mom and leaving the country.   

DH needs to drag that little shit back home, file charges agains BM for kidnapping, and give the kid the clear message that he will live with DH until he turns 18.

Period. Dot.


Salan787's picture

Thank you everyone for your comments! As a stepmom I can't do much here, but DH already passed the documents to his son and they are flying to Dubai to live there. I also believe it's not going to be safe for us if he brought him back against his will, I don't know what he could do, he is completely brainwashed by his BM. He was raise by his father his grandpa in such a loving way and he didn't even say bye, just ran away and disappeared and now flying away with his mom who was not there at all while he was growing up, he left his twin brother. He doesn't speak english well I hve no idea how he is going to study in Dubai. 
I really don't want all the legal battle again, I've been through thia when DH fought for the custody. It is awful and super expensive. 
I'm trying to find positives in being a stepmom, being in a blended family but I can't, zero positives for me. Stepchildren just bring problems and mental hardships. I want them to be 18 and go live their lives. 

notarelative's picture

Dubai-- when you said another country I was thinking somewhere near you. You said SS does not speak English. Does he know any Arabic? His new home may be something of a culture shock.

Dubai has lots of requirements for those who have residence and want to bring a minor child. This article speaks of bringing from the Phillipines, but I doubt the rules are much different from where you are.

ESMOD's picture

What is the backstory on your DH and his ex?  Do you have any idea why she left when they were 5?  Does she claim she left due to abuse?  Did she have some other issue?  Is she a danger to her children?  You aren't in the US ( I don't think). so perhaps the culture is one that would make it difficult for divorced women or women to escape a bad relationship.. so she ran to save herself.. but had no way to take the kids? Or is she just a drug addict who abandoned her responsibility? 

If she has no real dangerous issues.. in a way. .it seems allowing the kid to go be with her would be somewhat in your best interest.. and if your dh is ok with it?  I'm not sure what the real problem is.

Salan787's picture

They divorced because she had an affair and left DH for another man. She took the kids at first but then left them with her mother and went to live in another city, disappeared, didn't take care of the kids and had nothing to do with them so DH got the full custody due to her absense and then she appeared after so many years. I guess it is in my best interest but it kills me to see DH so heartbroken. 

ESMOD's picture

It's really not all that unusual for kids to want what they haven't had.  Mom likely sounds like she would be an escape and they may be chaffing at the rules at home now.  Ideally, their father would push back.. and legally ensure that thigns are properly set up... I would be leery of an open system where he ends up sending her money for the kids.