You are here

Here again for another advice

Salan787's picture

Hello everyone, 

the only people I can talk to who understand 

i don't even have anyone in a similar situation 

So the last six months have been pretty rough for me and my DH. As I mentioned before skids twins 14yo live with us, DH has the full custody. Grandfather is very big help for us with skids. My DH and I only have our biological daughter, I didn't bring any skids like him. We've been married for five years, skids became teens and now they are awful, disrespectful, dirty and resentful. They are passive aggressive towards me everyday. It's very hard mentally for me now. I don't sleep well, I feel stressed 24/7, I don't feel myself at home. I had to tell all of it to my DH, we fought, I cried, then we made up. I had to tell exactly how I feel. I said I feel like I want to move out, I would prefer to never be in touch with skids. Of course it's hard for him to hear this and he believes them in everything, he says je talks to them and they want to improve and be friends with me and help us have amazing marriage. This is such bs. We've been through this before and when DH leaves they ignore me, don't say hi or bye, pit boogers on kitchen table etc. And now the same thing again and he believes them. He said they want to apologise to me. Is he out of his mind, that's what they said before so many times to him but they continue to be passive aggressive to me when he is not around. 
So then DH mentioned that he thinks maybe he will move them to grandpa and make their room for them there. I couldn't say yes to him at that moment. But this makes me happy, I really want them to live there and not with us. I want to tell this to my DH, but kinda feel guilty. Should I? Is this ok really? I want to tell him that he can spend as much time as he wants with them there, he can have sleepovers there, he can have vacations with them only sometimes and I will really be ok with that as long as I can have my own house my own rules that are respected, my own family. I don't want to see them at all. If this happens, then we can invite them and grandpa for dinner once or twice a week, we will see each other on family events and it will be alright. They will not have a chance to disrespect me, give me discomfort or even talk to me much. I did my best the first 3 years, we dis find some common ground but now it's unbearable. I don't want to try anymore with skids or I will get a depression really. 
What do you think? Anyone had their skids move out due to their bad behaviour. 
I always feel guilty about that, but why should I? I don't have kids from previous marriages so it's so unfair. 

smto2kids's picture

Deep down you already know the answer.

No, a good parent doesn't pawn off his kids on grandpa just because they're being difficult teens. Yes, this will impact their relationship negatively. Not saying hi or bye and ignoring people are par for the course with teens. It's behavior that any semi-decent, well-adjusted parent is able to handle and deal with.

SteppedOut's picture

Her skids are more than just not saying hi or bye which honestly is rude ass behavior that should be corrected. Read her previous posts.

At the same time, I agree with the below post - short term it may help OP but her husband likely will grow resentful. 

In order for you to remain married your HUSBAND needs to be a better parent and actually parent his freakin kids.

Do you think he will change and become a better parent if he knows he risks the demise of your marriage? A lot are unable to change - perhaps your husband is different? 

If your husband can't step up to be the parent he should have been all along, I do not see long term hope. OP do you work. Or could you? Do you have a career that can sustain you? I think you should at least start thinking about what you would do if you divorce. 

dragonfly878's picture

It may help short term- but do you think he will resent you long term? If you move forward- make sure it's HIS decision so he can't twist it back on you. I can understand you want to try to make it work due to your DD so perhaps it's worth a try knowing the current situation isn't working.

dragonfly878's picture

I can see it now- "you made me kick out my kids"

"No sir, you had an option to either solve the issue (my having an issue with your boys is not the issue- your misbehaved feral boys and your lack of parenting is the issue) and you elected to have them move in with their grandfather as opposed to proactively parenting before things went to shit and/or the option of divorce."

Winterglow's picture

He believes children rather than his spouse? He doesn't question them? Doesn't discipline them? Thinks the solution is to send them away? Pathetic. How can you have any respect or desire left for this non-parent?

notarelative's picture

Anybody ask Grandpa what he thinks? My DH loves his grandchildren, but no way is he, at his current age and physical limitations, equipped to raise teens. A day, a weekend, even a week -- sure. But, full time no way.

Harry's picture

At 14 yo. Do you think the SK will really change ?   Will the SK just get more angry about being force to live with GP.  Will you ever have a relationship with SK.   I don't think SK will ever change, moving them to  they will think you won the battle, but the war will go on for atleast 4 more years.

IDK if you can have a relationship like this.  DH doesn't want another divorce,He doesn't want CS. Doesn't want to only see his DD on weekends.  

I feel it is good that SK are someplace else.  (Hopefully they wil get the message), You can now work on your relationship with DH and your bio family.  Having SK  24/7/365 is never a good thing for the SP.  never get real family time.  Never feel more then the maid in the relationship 

Most bio parents ,who divorced, get into a new relationship, think it's like replacing,  old DS with new DW but home life doesn't change.  They don't understand it's a new life, new rules, new way of life.  Kids don't come first anymore,  new partner comes first. New partner way of life is first.  Kids must be put in there place. Kids can not disrespect new partners.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

What ever happened to you and your daughter getting a separate apartment and him continuing to live with the twins full-time? I think that would force him to live with the consequences of the choices he's made (spoiling the girls, starting a new family without getting his old one sorted.) 

Salan787's picture

Thank you everyone!!! Now you opened my eyes completely, it's definitely wrong to make them move to grandpa. No matter how much I want them to go away it is not a solution.  
You are all right about DH parenting. He can't be strict with them, no discipline, only long and friendly talks which do nothing at all. That's why insults keep happening and disrespect. If he could just raise his voice and be a parent maybe it would be possible for us to luve all together. I'm going to put all my effort to become financially independent and then I will decide. My mental health is going down at the moment. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Please put some focus on your mental health. It can make a world of difference. We're here for you. *give_rose*

Harry's picture

You don't need SK in your life now. SO will not parent them, you don't need to be a circus master. You must work yourself,   Work on moving out.  This relationship will not work as is, and DH isn't doing anything. Nothing in this world saids, you must be a SM.  If S parenting isn't working for you, it's just not working.  
Most people forget that bio couples, said the marriage was not working and got divorced.  There nothing in this world that said s parenting has to work. You can leave.  It happened in more second marriages then stay together. I wounded why.  

Rags's picture

I suggest Web cams and record them all of the time.  That way, they can lie, you can sit daddy down to review their lies on camera/audio recordings.

Stop doing anything but informing him that his failure to prioritize his marriage and his wife will end up with him ending another marriage.  Tell him that there will be no appologies accepted and if his twins do not immediately and continually interface with your respectfully that they will not be in YOUR home unless daddy is present. It is way too late for an appology IMHO.  Tell Daddy that no more will he nor his twins words be heard. No more telling you what htey will do. They show you, or they are not in YOUR home.


Do not continue to be the martyr to this man and his twins. You do not deserve it, and your own child should not have to grow up seeing it.

Take care of you.