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Moving to be near SSs

CB4's picture

My DH's sons live in a different state. He moved away from them 2 years ago to be with me. He wants to move back to be near his boys. We currently live about 5 hrs from them and DH drives to see them every other weekend. SSs also come to see us during the summer and holidays.

DH is talking about moving back next summer. I DO NOT want to go. My friends and family are here and we are expecting our first child together. I need my support system. I have been here for 36 years.

My biggest concern is the ex. We get along great but she is VERY moody toward my DH. Nice one day then hangs up the phone and will not talk to him for days the next. She is a vengeful person. For example, after the divorce, my DH came home from a date and found her in bed with his roommate. To make it worse, it was DH's BED!!! She also filed harassment charges against DH after she met and married a crazy man (that lasted less than 3 months). She also moved the kids to an undisclosed town and changed all phone numbers. Also filed harassment complaint against DH at work.

In addition for my reasons above for staying where we are, I do not trust her. She now claims she can go after my assets to get more money in support. I come from a wealthy family and am taking care of for life. She is two faced and appears to be a little unstable. The distance is good. I am afraid she will cause problems if we move to her town. I do not want her to know our business (where we live, what we do, who we see, etc...). Socioeconomiclly we live different lives and DH and I know she is VERY jealous.

Anyone out there have a comment or been in a situation like this? Any advice on how to sell the idea of NOT moving for the sake of our marriage? I am growing more and more concerned. I want to say that I do understand DH's desire to be near his children, but she has issues!!!


Realist's picture

You should not be expected to bear his cross - his ex.

It will be extremely stressful having a new baby and living so close to what soulds like an unstable lady.

I would couch your reasons for not going in terms of the support YOU BOTH have where you currently are. There is evidence that his ex has moved before and will no doubt be at risk of moving again after you have uprooted your lives to move closer to the stepsons.

It is untenable for DH to drive that distance every fortnight. That is sad - but it is a fact of life and many people are in similar situations. Also, DH, try as he may, will not change BM and should not uproot his new wife and child to try and make up for what he perceives as her shortcomings as a parent.

We all made choices about who we have children with. Some of them, in hindsight, were not great, but that is a reality that cannot change and must be accepted.

I would be pushing more for the option of increasing the amount of time the ss's come to you both (ie - blocks of time in school holidays) rather than moving to them.

My own experience is that when i have given an inch, my SD and BM take two miles. I like to start how I mean to finish - it saves a lot of time, arguments and effort.

Good luck


Catch22's picture

I have to say that is a very valid point to state your case to DH. What if you uproot yourselves, your job and so forth and then she moves again!! You are having a baby, stay where your family are and just refuse to go. I know it's not that black and white but seriously...can't he get his kids to your house for half of holidays and all that???

Catch xx

CB4's picture

I really appreciate your responses. I will be seeing DH's family in a couple of weeks. His father and mother DO NOT like BM for the reasons listed in my original post. (Can you believe she slept with the roommate in DH's bed!? That is the WORST. Says it all right there.) I think DH's family will agree with my argument to stay where we are. In a sense, I do have the upperhand for the simple fact I have the financial means. The home we live in belongs to me and if we move, the same thing will happen. We can't move without my paying for it.

I am hoping that the baby and my connection to my family and community will have an impact on him. He is talking about moving in a little over a year, so I have time. I want to plan my argument carefully hoping her behavior will get worse. He needs to see that jealously on her part can be VERY dangerous to us. When they fight, he vents to me and sometimes we argue about it. It would get worse if we were in the same state/town. She would also "dump" the kids on us as she pleases bc DH would NEVER tell her no. Plus, I would help more with my SSs if we stayed here because she cannot "see" what is going on. If we are there, I won't do anything and they will sadly miss out.

DH's argument to me is always along the lines of, "So your life here is more important than me being close to my children?" I understand what he is saying, but he really won't see his kids much more than he does. He will be there for games and plays, but he is there for most of that anyway. The ONLY reason he wants to move is to be closer to his boys. He DOES NOT want to go. He likes it where we are. So neither of us want to go.

Any more ideas on how to counter his arguments???

Thanks again!!!

Anonymous's picture

My situation was similar in that our bm was from a bad background, not a good family and so on. Dh was stupid enough to date her briefly and thats another story. Our two lifestyles were like night and day and she would get angry if she heard about a trip we went on or something we purchased. It was sad for the child but while he was a lovely child at 7 or 8, it wasn't long after that he was turning out to be a thug like bm and family. My friends and family warned me and I saw the signs, and our own two children didn't want him visiting much either. Basically he was angry and negative like the bm. But he also saw it just didn't mix and me and husband decided to move pretty far away. Before that we were only 10 minutes away. Even though we didn't see him too much just before we moved, that still made a world of difference. He didn't want to come over and it was mutual. He was comfortable in his dysfunctional environment.
I have a feeling your husband wants to move also because of the baby. He is hopeing the two grow up together and if bm is anything like ours or has a similar background this would be a big mistake on your part. (he has false illusions) I was fortunate because my dh could see ss would never be a sibling to our own children. Many blended families really don't mix and even when we try and force the children to accept the adults mistakes they refuse. Who can blame them. My advice is don't go and protect your child, and tell dh thats final.

didddos's picture

I would not have agreed to move to be closer to ss. I am 1/2 hour away from his family (who I love) and 2 hours from mine. We immediately had more children and with working and kids, I didn't get out to meet a lot of people for awhile. I was lonely!! Dh admits it was a mistake. We should have moved closer to his family at the very least.
As ss gets older and wants less to do with us (he has friends he'd rather be with), we find ourselves being close to him for nothing. In a few years he will be grown but our other children have made friends and planted roots. We'll uproot someone, somewhere along the way or we'll be stuck here.

How old are your ss? Time goes by quickly. You and your dh need to make a life together, for your WHOLE family, not just the ss.

CB4's picture

Hi Didddos~

The SSs are 5 and 8. I think the older one will come and live with us sooner than later. Both DH and I feel that we would provide a more stable home than BM for both kids. The SSs have chores in our home, less tv watching and more reading and playing, and dinner at the table as a family. They don't have that with BM.

I know I will be lonely if we move. I do not know a sole in that city. Plus, the city is much smaller than the one we live in. To be honest, it would be like moving from NYC to Lubbock. I am also VERY established in my community.

I tell my DH that our marriage is the most important relationship he has. I am his companion and life partner. Kids grow up, move away and start their own lives. Marrage has to come 1st. You have seen all these marriages that end when the kids leave home. The parents didn't focus on the marriage and they grew apart. A happy marriage means a happy home.

I love my SSs. I get along great with BM, but I do keep my eyes open. I respect her as the BM, but I don't trust her as much as I wish I could.

I just can't move from here. It would be a mistake. I know it. My husband will be upset and mad at me, but I have to hold my ground on this issue. For some reason he thinks "making the best" of it will outweigh the fact neither of us wants to move. It is only for HIS children.

didddos's picture

I moved from a big city to much smaller town. My first night here, we were watching the news and they were broadcasting, "Live from the mall!" I asked my dh which mall. That's when I found out there is only one mall! 8 years later, I'm still going through culture shock!

The needs of the ss do need to be addressed, but decisions can't be made solely on what's right for them. A family includes everyone, not just the kids.

Good luck to you!

Soon to be Step Mom's picture

I agree with Diddos. You can't be expected to move because of this. You need to think about your unborn child and what is right for it too. His children more then likely will end up in your care,anyways. I am sure you would probably provide a more stable home. Have you tried to fight for custody for his children? Maybe this should be an option instead of moving? Good Luck!

CB4's picture

I am an attorney and know custody would be hard. There are no material changes in circumstances and it would be on DH to show it would be in the best interests of the boys. I had him contact an atty in that state and was told the same thing. She would have to do something really bad for DH to get the boys. My gut feeling is that one or both of them will come to live with us one day. I am wondering what she will be like to them as they grow older. She complains now that she never has any time to herself. Well, what did she think primary custodian meant? She has failed to realize that she is responsible for making sure they do well in school, at the dentist, etc.... DH only gets to "visit".

Krissy's picture

When DH and I got married, I agreed to move to suburban PA with my infant DD (not his child) 2 hours from my family and friends in NYC so that he could be near his son. It was something he told me that he would have to do and so I knew when we got married that I wasn't going to change his mind and that was okay with me.

It is *extremely* difficult to "start over" in a new place to begin with. Add a baby and it's virtually impossible. I never got to meet anyone because I was always doing for the baby. I didn't know my way around and DH worked SO much. I was alone ALL. OF. THE. TIME. On top of that, BB began acting up the second we moved into our house and it has never stopped since. So not only was I dealing with the loneliness of raising a baby alone, of being away from my parents and my sister and all of my friends, of my husband working 60+ hours a week, but I had to deal with this bitch (excuse my language!) trying to screw things up too.

2+ years later I am planning my move back to NY. It is slow going but I want everything to be "right" so I will plan as long as I need to and try to deal with the mess at home along the way.

I am concerned that in your case, IF you go, you will resent DH. I know I did. Everytime I would think of what I missed by not sharing DD's "firsts" with my family, or how we could never go anywhere because I couldn't get a good referral for a sitter, or how BB was so terrible...I hated him for moving us here. However, you need to evaluate your own relationship. Is your DH a supportive man? Is your emotional connection strong? Are you a team? I do not agree with his suggestions that you are somehow keeping him from his kids. That was a choice HE made as an adult, and he needs to face the music, NOT put it on you.

I don't know what the answer is so I will play devil's advocate for a moment. Imagine that the shoe is on the other foot. Say that you have your little one, and down the road DH and you split. Imagine that you share custody. Then one day, you meet a man and fall in love, get married, have another child. Your new husband has roots somewhere else, and he really wants you to move with him to his hometown. Your ex-DH won't let you take your child. Could you imagine leaving? What would you do if your REALLY loved this new husband? What if your marriage was on the line? What choice would you make?? Could you leave your child?

I am one who also believes that the marriage comes first. But I also think that the kids should come first. In essence, NO ONE is lesser than in a family. Every member is important for a different reason, just like every relationship is important. So, I don't think it's a matter of DH having to choose what comes before the other.

It is difficult. Just wanted you to know my experience and my perspective. It is tough...someone will get hurt regardless. I believe that you should sit down and make a list of the pros and cons of both options, and also exhaust all efforts to try and fix the custody situation BEFORE you attempt any major moves.


CB4's picture

My fears about moving and being alone without any support are perfectly described in your posting. I know this is what will happen. I will be home all day with our baby, he will be at work, then will go to his kids' activities after work. I will have no one to call to help out at all. I can't trust just anyone with my child.

I have also placed the shoe on the other foot. I can't imagine leaving my child.

If BM didn't act the way she does, I would probably feel different. If she didn't go from one extreme to another with her moods and behavior then that would be different. When she sees that we live in an expensive home, have a country club membership and drive expensive cars, she is going to show more of her colors. Jealousy is a dangerous thing. She broke up with her beau of a year about a month ago and has been FOUL ever since. He was VERY successful and lived in the best neighborhood in the city. Now that has ended and she has said to DH, "what did I ever do to deserve all this?" (???) She lives with her mother and kids in a house that is less than 2200 sq feet. She can't afford to move out from under her mother's roof. Also, her mother is a built in sitter. Furthermore, I failed to mention she moved the kids 5 times in less than a year after the divorce. NUTS.

DH wants to live there like we do here. That is not going to happen. He is always looking at homes online at what he wants. The thing is, he isn't paying for it. I am. I am about to tell him that if we move, we will have to tone down our lifestyle and look for a modest home that HE can afford. He will be upset, but that is too bad. If he wants to uproot us and move into his ex's arena, then he will have to make some sacrifices. I am not about to expose my life to her. No way.

Anne 8102's picture

To me, this falls under the category of YOU KNEW IT WOULD BE LIKE THIS WHEN YOU MARRIED ME. He knew where you lived, he made the choice. I don't think it's fair to expect you to move now - and finance the move! - when that wasn't part of the bargain when you got together.

We live several states away from my skids now, but we used to live closer... about five hours. My husband did the every other weekend thing, too, and believe me, that was as close as I ever wanted to get to his ex-wife. Living any closer, especially in the same town, is just asking for trouble that you don't need or want. He made his decision when he married you, I think he has to stick with it. It's hard being apart from your kids, my husband struggles with this DAILY and it's been absolute hell on our marriage, but you can't do a 180 on an issue this big. That equates to agreeing to have a baby, then changing your mind after the wedding ceremony. That's one of those things that you have to be sure of going in, because you can't expect the other person to change later on. He made his bed, in my opinion.

~ Anne ~

Nothing can come of nothing.
(Shakespeare, King Lear)