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What should I do? Breaking point almost

Salan787's picture

So I disengaged, but my husband is not doing what he is supposed to. Skids are super messy (poo in the toilet, pee around the toilet, boogie's everywhere etc) I can't stand it, I can't. I can take insults, disrespect, but that mess is impossible to live with. DH can't raise his voice on them, can't be strict with them at all, he is ok with everything they do. Therefore they don't change at all. Today he asked me to stop caring about the mess and accept it, cuz they are just kids. This killed me. Why should I accept it? Explain me someone? He can't be a parent and now it came to us accepting their behavior and making rules in our house? So they are comfortable? So I refused and suggested I and our bio daughter move out so they can live together the way they want and he just splits his time equally for us. He said if that's what I want then fine. This seems very wrong to me but at this point I don't want to live with his kids at all, they make me feel super uncomfortable. I wish I was financially independent so that I could rent myself an apartment without his help. But he agrees to rent it for us. I love him very much, he is my soulmate but I am not in the first place for him I guess. 

Winterglow's picture

So he can'at be bothered being a parent? His "children" are 14 according to one of your earlier posts. FOURTEEN and they can't use a toilet properly? And their father thinks this is NORMAL? Wow. He lets them insult you and disrespect you and now he wants you to accept living in filth? HECK NO!

Keep looking for a job and try to find other mothers in  your area who have small children so that you can maybe exchange babysitting times so that you can free up some time for yourself and your job-hunting. Please make finding a job your top priority because I am afraid that sooner or later they will convince him to stop paying for your appartment ...

What does child support look like in your country?

Salan787's picture

The things is I don't want a divorce, good things still outweigh the bad. But moving out to another apt is like getting a divorce honestly. This seems wrong. Sometimes I start to think maybe my resentment towards the skids is the problem, sometimes I start to blame myself, that I need to be wiser, to be an adult, to endure this 4 more years because of my family. 

Winterglow's picture

The problem is not you, it's your husband. Because he isn't being a good parent and teaching his kids to be decent human beings, he can't be a good husband to you. He's expecting you to withstand their insults without correcting them, to put up with their filth because he's too lazy to teach them to be clean, and execting you to just let it run off you like water off a duck's back. That is not being a good husband. He should be directing them, teaching them, correcting them and protecting you.

Why do you have to endure another 4 years because of your family?

Cover1W's picture

It will be more than four years in a case like this. Those kids, like others we have seen enabled to this point with basically no parenting, will rarely leave at 18. OP this will always be a problem. I support your idea to move out. It will help you immensely to get perspective.

Marianne's picture

The apartment might be a nice break while you figure things out. As it is, things might not improve. I understand how impossible your situation is right now. I lived something similar and was so unhappy for years and years. I wish I'd been able to try and keep my marriage and live separately. With care, it might bring you some much needed peace.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree with the above poster. Take the apartment. Make it nice, clean, peaceful, and beautiful. Best case, your husband visits you there and realizes how much his place sucks because he can't get his and his kids' act together. Makes changes, you all win. Worst case, you end up getting a divorce and the apartment gives you time and space to create a better life as a single parent. In a previous post you said these 2 teenage males scream and curse at you and don't clean up their feces, right? That sounds shitty. Pun intended. 

Winterglow's picture

Totally agree. 

I also don't think that her husband realizes her true value, he takes he for granted, and it's only by depriving him of the home comforts that she provides that he'll get it. He's going to miss the home cooking, the laundry being done, the house being clean sooner or later. 

SMto3's picture

Take the apartment, make sure you find a job and try to find your passions and yourself again (maybe some yoga, or a sewing class). Make yourself busy with making improvements in your life. Let him have the other apartment with his crappy kids. When he sees how much you're flourishing, it will maybe help him with his perspective. Bottom line, NO WOMAN will want to live with him with those kids so you're totally safe in that department. The fact that the kids don't respect you will not help. And like someone else said before, these kids rarely launch at 18. Take a look at my story. And even if they do happen to launch, they will likely be in and out of your life because your husband doesn't like telling them no. A lot of times, these men get in relationships with us because they want our help raising their kids. It's something I'm realizing now. Just stop doing anything at all for them and accept his offer of the apartment. Make it your safe space. And then...if he decides he wants to move back in with you, implement your rules. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Taking the apartment could be a 180 move.  Inviting DH to an environment of cleanliness and peace could be a turning point for him.  Losing your daily attention and being forced (by your absence) to face the reality of the situation might be just what the doctor ordered.  No matter what you do, you need to find the mental fortitude to burn your relationship down to the ground and see if it can be rebuilt into a healthy relationship where both your needs are respected and protected from outside influences.  You also need to be aware that you could lose it and be ready for that outcome also.  

Nothing changes with a change.  

Lillywy00's picture

Bio parents who expect EVERYONE to break their backs accommodating their kids at your expense and Living with obnoxiously messy. filthy step kids seems to be a common theme  

A lot of these divorced single parents are delusional af and expecting a free maid and nanny for their Tasmanian devils  

When you don't agree to their dysfunction they're disgruntled  

Your husband would rather see you leave out the door than to put his unruly kids in check and raise them properly  sorry but that's very unhusband-like behavior 

Your peace and sanity is more important!!!!!! 

Plus if you leave you won't be subjected to him forcing you into being a free house sl@ve cleaning up after lazy sloppy kids. 

DPW's picture

Take the apartment.

It'll be cheaper than paying for a daily maid service, in addition to the numerous other benefits it brings.

Cricket74's picture

Taking the apartment may make him realize how serious you are.  I have a 15yr SD that is disgusting! Only showers once a week, room has things with mold on them, and she leaves "presents" in the toilet in bathroom all the time.  I asked husband to handle it, and he didn't, so I pointed out to SD that most of her extra-curricular activities, snacks in the house, tv & cell phone are paid by me. If she doesn't stay clean, all will be gone.  The sitaution caused many arguements between DH and I, and I was ready to walk out of our home for good.  That is when he stepped up and started to be more stern.  I do have to remind him sometimes that he needs to address the situation, so if your husband doesn't care enough to dicispline his own kids and let them treat this way - leave, get your selfworth back. If your DH is willing to pay for an apartment, then take it. Use that time to work on marriage if you want to, but also use the distance to get yourself set financially that if something did happen, you could stay in apartment and live a happy & clean life.  

Winterglow's picture

As shocking as I find the fact taht OP's husband allows his kids to insult her, disrespect her, treat her home like a pigsty and think nothing of it because they're "children" (they are FOURTEEN!!!) and that's what children do, I am even more shocked that he is happy enough to help his WIFE move our rather than teach his feral kids to be decent, respectful human beings.

Rags's picture

A question. How  could someone who is this ball-less and such an idiot parent with no standards for his spawn be anyone's soul mate?



Take pics of the feces, boogers, etc... and once you leave, send the evidence to CPS and force his hand on parenting and not having the home be a toxic waste dump.

I would.