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SK's excluding my BD from milestone events

MirandaT's picture

My SD is getting married and one of my BD's is one of the bridesmaids. My SD has lived with me and both of my BD's and all had a good relationship. My oldest even tried to help with her wedding but no response. She is having a bridal shower soon and my Oldest BD never received an invite. My BD that is in the wedding is not happy about it and she is not going since it was last minute and neither me or her sister are going. I was contemplating if I should speak to my DH about this because we had this conversation about excluding me and my daughters from his children's events. Every time we have an event or my daughter's have something they always invite her. I even included her in my wedding because I wanted her to feel apart of the family. I told her I was going to have her in my wedding no questions asked. Now that she is dealing with her BM again, she is excluding us and it is kind of hurtful. I was there for her the first 6 years of my dh and I relationship. When her mother was not around I was there to help whenever she needed. We were not even included in the surprise engagement. Her fiance knows all of us , been to our events, and just being in our home on holidays and etc. We were hurt behind that. I decided to speak to my DH about it because right is right and wrong is wrong. No one in the past wanted to say anything about her actions because they didn't want tension in the house. Now that everyone is on their own, I feel like it needs to be addressed. Am I wrong for speaking to him about this? 

I personally do not care if I dont attend the Bridal shower since the BM will there. I just wished that she could have talked to me about why she was not inviting me. She is very spoiled and feels she is a Princess since all the men in her life (father, fiance' and brothers) caters to her. Sometimes I think DH thinks she does no wrong. I already see that I may be disengaging after this wedding. 

CLove's picture

These are young adults right? Selfish is as selfish does and it sounds like shes loyalty bound to BM, who is toxic. Look up loyalty binds.

So, no, definitely speak to your husband about his rude daughter. Shunning and excluding is abusive. But this is a good lesson to your BD's, so I would speak with them. Hopefully DH is NOT contributing money to this debacle. 

MirandaT's picture

Yes all of them are young adults. It's crazy that she is so loyal to her mom when her mom is treating her bad now with this whole wedding planning. I offered help but backed off when I realized her mother wants to take credit for everything . My daughters were both in agreement they were not going to the shower.  My daughter that is in the bridal party really do not want to participate but because its too late to back out she is going through with it. She said she will be leaving immediately after the ceremony.  She cares not to be around the BM.

Survivingstephell's picture

I really hope she takes care of herself and doesn't get exposed to Covid.  That would be a shame.  Not.  

Notthedoormat's picture

Pulling back. Semi-disengagement, even.

She's exposed herself and what she's doing isn't right,  but with an adult there not a lot to be done, unless her behavior is called out and even then it will get flipped so that she looks like the victim. 

No invitation means no gift. I'd make sure DH knows and I see nothing wrong with letting him know about the hurt feelings,  but I'd chalk it up to a lesson learned and keep your involvement minimal going forward.  

It sucks when we want to be good people in skids lives and and they trample all over our good intentions,  but they're the ones holding the matches that made the fire that burnt the bridge. 

MirandaT's picture

I am doing the bare minimum. She comes around I speak and keep it moving. He did speak to her about it and told her it was not right. Her response is what I guessed. She turned into the victim . She said she forgot and didnt think my daughter would care. Then she goes on to tell him they dont invite her to things. Blatant lie. First, my oldest do not really go out because she has 2 little ones, work,  and in Grad school. The last event was her birthday where she had something at her house and she invited my SD. Unfortunately, the SD does not drive so that's not my daughter's problem. My other daughter invited her to the gender reveal and baby shower that  she went to. So her saying that did not sit right with me . She has done that before when I had to speak to her father about some of the things she did when we were all living together. She needed to be called out because I am over her feeling entitled. I will be glad when the wedding is over and done. I already made my mind up that if she comes around on Holidays , I will leave and just visit my family.  I had to also explain to my DH that I don't invite her to my ladies out events because of how she acts and people have approached me on why she never speaks and always up on her fiance whispering and staring. It's very rude. She needed to be called out. 

shamds's picture

Claiming he abandoned them to marry me and have kids with me and never made time for them when repeatedly he planned meets only for them to cancel last minute and not even notify my husband but ss instead that my husband gave up wasting his energy and time on them.

the limited free time he had, he wanted it to be pleasant and caving into sd's manipulative mind games wasn't something he was gonna entertain. They found a way to make me the baddy and i was living overseas since many months prior so they had no excuses to not meet up. It was the typical "too busy"

CajunMom's picture

On your part and on your young adult daughters' parts. My suggestions.

You...begin the disengaging. No shower invite? No gift. Stop reaching out to the SD, stop doing things for her, etc. Bring your relationship to civil and superficial. When she visits, be polite but make yourself scarce. 

Your daughters can make a huge stand here. First, I agree with the younger in not attending the shower because her sister/mom were not invited. She doesn't need to say a word...just not show up.  It's honorable of your daugther to not back out of the wedding but I wouldn't fault her one bit if she did. I love that she's attending and leaving right after the ceremony. I'd suggest leaving before pictures....really make a statement. LOL

You and your daughters may want to sit and discuss what all of this will look like. My kids and I recently had a dicussion about DHs kids....we are on the same mindset of how things will be. Y'all should find that common mindset that works for you three. Best to you.

MirandaT's picture

I stopped doing things a long time ago. I saw how unappreciative she was. So I backed off. I honestly do not care to be around her because of her ways. 

ndc's picture

I certainly hope your husband is not paying for any of this wedding.  He is a poor excuse for a partner to allow his wife to be treated this way. 

MirandaT's picture

He's not really involved in the wedding since the toxic mom wants control.  He will just be there for his daughter. 

AgedOut's picture

Next time she leave one of you, your DDs or you, out I'd politely decline the invite for the others and have a meal/lunch/outing w/ your daughters and you. when she complains, and she will, remind your husband that she is an adult and her deliberate rudeness in inviting all but one was so obvious that you decided to make up for her lack of decency by doing something with both of your daughters instead so that their hurt feelings over her deliberate actions would be less painful for the left out party. 



harmony98's picture

My SS wedding is up there on one of my worst days ever.  Dont go, it would be easier trust me, you and your daughters go away somewhere nice.  leave her to it for the day let you DH go if he wants to.  But he will hate it too.

shamds's picture

A high conflict gubm, its just not worth it and caving into attending because hubby has to be there for his princess or son, nope. I refuse to attend any wedding of sd's. I want no part of being anywhere near batshit crazy exwife or have my kids anywhere near her or her family of complete nutters