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Adult SS Needs to move out!!

MirandaT's picture

I need to know if I'm overreacting because I want my 30 yr old SS to move out. He moved in 10 months ago due to his mother losing her place. He does not work because he wants to be an "entreprenuer" pursuing his passion.  It was supposed to be temporary as in a few weeks but not almost going on a year. He refuses to work a 9 to 5. He has only gave us a payment of $300 since living with us. My DH keeps making excuses of why he couldnt pay. Its always something related to his mother of why he can't contribute. I am so tired of the excuses and the situation with his mother. I told him he needs to be given a date to move out. All he says that he is pushing him . That is not good enough. My DH is so worried about relationships with his children that he enables them. It is starting to affect our marriage which is sad because our relationship was great despite your normal disagreements at time. He tends to bring up when my daughter moved in but there was a difference. When my daughter had to move back there was a plan with a timeline and at the time she had my granddaughter with one on the way. She already knew my house rules and was planning on moving out about 6 months but unfortunately she was laid off. Once she found a job , she immediately start looking for a place and moved out.

I have cameras around the house so I see who comes in and out and the times.My SS just does what he pleases, in and out all day and night. He broke the rules by inviting his GF over all week while we were on a vacation out of the country, had another lady friend over without our knowledge, and then let his mom into our home who we do not have a relationship with and she despises me. That was the last strike! I feel so disrepected and my DH keeps saying he had talks with him. After the last incident with him mother coming into my home , I clearly stated he had 30 days to move out. Of course that was ignored. I am at my wits end. We start couples counseling soon. Dont know if that will help . I told him a few years ago that we should never let an adult whether its our children, family, or friends come between our marriage. He thinks I am complaining because I keep bringing the situation up. I know we failed at establishing rules and a plan before he moved in but it happenned so quickly. The ex-wife(mother) tries so hard to intefere with our relationship.

Am I overreacting? I just do not feel at peace in my home. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Hell no you aren't overreacting. I would recommend dealing with a launch and never return plan in therapy. And let this 30-year-old baby's mamma know that if she comes back on your property you're filing a restraining order. 

Winterglow's picture

Are you kidding me?! He's THIRTY, FFS! Go to your local court house and find out how to get the bugger out of your home legally. Have him evicted if you need to.  He's THIRTY!!!


ndc's picture

You are not overreacting. I can understand your husband trying to use your daughter and granddaughter's extended stay with you to justify his son staying with you, and he has a point. However, your daughter followed the rules and did not allow people who were not welcome into your home.  Allowing the ex into the home would be my last straw, and SS leaving NOW would be my hill to die on. 

MirandaT's picture

The ex situation defintely did it for me. She did that on purpose because she is pissed he actually married me. she knows how to manipulate her grown son . She knew she would be on camera and the way she walked in my home made me even more furious!!. I didnt even get an apology from my SS. He only apologized to his father. I already explained prior to us moving in together 4 yrs ago that any adult child that has to come live with us have to work, follow our rules, and contribute. Glad to know I'm not overreacting.  Things are about to change because Im putting my foot down whether they like it or not!

la_dulce_vida's picture

"Husband, your son has 30 days to leave this house. If he is not gone in 30 days, you can move out with him and get an apartment together. I have had enough."

As an alternative, you could go stay somewhere else until your husband wises up. That might actually have the best result.

OR, you could possibly go to the courts to evict your SS, turn off the Internet (take the router with you) and password lock any cable TV.


CLove's picture

You need rain holy heckfire on those two, starting with your HUSBAND.

And then your SS.

Serve written notice. Change locks after allotted time. Move stuff to storage (put that in the notice if legal...)

Get no trespassing signs to post, so you can call police if violated, and serve notices...

You will unfortunately need to go scorched earth.

MirandaT's picture

Thank you all for the replies. I've decided today that I am having one last and final talk that will basically be about his departure in 30 days or they both have to leave. Husband always say he knows that its causing friction in our marriage and he wants to save it, well this is where I will see if he really means it. It's my home and I want peace. All of you have helped me so much. I have had people living with me for years off and on and I can not do it anymore. I was so happy when we became empty nesters for the 2months before my SS arrived. 

hereiam's picture

Definitely time to put your foot down.

I am so glad my DH and I agreed from the get go that no other adult live with us - ever. It's so hard on a relationship, and can be so hard to get them OUT.

reedle2021's picture

I just read this post and I think this is fantastic!  Yes, you need to tell DH how it needs to be since he is not doing anything.  I think 30 days is also plenty of time for SS to get out. 

You will know peace again once that POS SS is out the door.  And I would also tell DH that SS is never, under any circumstances, allowed to move back in.  Ever.

shamds's picture

Something she cannot control and having a young child with another on the way but was working on a 6 month timeline to save up, look for another home and move out to ss30 freeloading on a dream of being an entrepreneur but in the meantime no plan or actively working a job to save up for a home is a shitty thing for your husband to do.

your daughter had a minor child under her and another baby on the way. Ss30 is being a bum

your husband can give a firm ultimatum and lay down the law, he just needs to be motivated to but unfortunately he isn't and he's allowing this to come between the both of you.

my husband wouldn't allow sd's to live in our home, there is too much batshit bio mum toxicity crap in them and hubby's priority is to protect me and our kids from that.

you gave an ultimatum and hubby ignored it, he has no respect for you. No woman marries a divorcee and expects his grown arse adult kids to live in their marital home. Anyone with half a functioning brain would know that.

my husband knows if he doesn't address toxic skid crap or ss issues in our home, it affects our marriage and our sex life and when hubby gets no sex and intimacy from me, he is more stressed and angry and thats motivated him to address skid issues because he knows there is alot of crap of theirs he needs to address but some are such a lost cause and as adults, they need to take accountability for it.

counselling right now seems pointless when hubby isn't motivated to do anything and more a way to shut you up and give the impression he's making baby steps but will revert to before. 

hubby needs to fear upsetting you more than he fears upsetting his adult son. Thats the only way change happens and a common thing so many of us dealt with.

it wasn't till i told hubby 4.5 yrs ago around our 4th wedding anniversary that since he had no intentions of making any progress and changes, that he encouraged and allowed this toxic crap to continue and affect our family harmony, our marriage etc, that divorce was the only option since hubby couldn't hold up his end of the agreement to protect us from skid exwife toxicity and not continue that toxic cycle of dysfunction 

if wasn't till he heard divorce that big changes started happening and he realised skids were being pathetic and making pathetic excuses for why they couldn't grow up

Yesterdays's picture

Kick him out the sooner, the better. No, you are not overreacting. So many reasons why this is wrong that he's there! 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You need to draw a boundary with your H: either he tells his son it's time to go or you will do it - and he won't like the way you go about it. Don't debate, argue, or justify. Just inform him matter of factly, then leave the room.

reedle2021's picture

Wow.  No, you are definitely NOT overreacting.  This is a DH issue.  He should never have allowed his son to move back in and if he was going to do that, expectations (including an end date of living there, employment, buying his own groceries, no company, etc) should have been set.  And the first time he broke a rule, his stuff should be boxed up, set outside and the locks changed.  It seems DH is doing the whole "friend parenting" thing and I speak from experience when I tell you this:  that kind of parenting is dysfunctional and benefits NO ONE.

You have some options here, but really, DH needs to be the one telling SS he needs to leave and pushing the situation in that direction.  He needs to give SS an end date at your home (I think 90 days is plenty of time for him to seek employment and get out).  DH needs to stop the excuses coming from SS.  SS's whole not working thing because he wants to be an entrepreneur is simply a front for him to be a lazy, worthless POS.  And I would tell SS if he brings women over again, you'll box his stuff up and he's out.  What a disrespectful a&&hole this guy! 

I understand your plight as I had a manchild up until last year when I finally divorced his daddy.  This guy was 21 years old and had no intention of working or moving out; he sat around all day, slept til noon, got high on weed, played video games, ate all the food I bought, etc - and his daddy was just as bad.  That was just something I couldn't deal with (there were other factors that led to divorce but the manchild was a huge part of it).

If DH continues to decline to end this situation, then you have some things to think about, like is this how you want to spend your future? 

Please keep us posted!

MirandaT's picture

I laid it all out that SS needs to be gone by 90 days. I can't do it anymore. There was no discussion just my final word about the situation. I hate having my peace at home disturbed. At this point, I do not care if the SS cares for me or not . He is disrespecting my home. 

Thanks all for the advice. This was so helpful in making my decision. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Ninety days was very generous of you. How did your DH react?

Please keep updating us on how things go. Fingers crossed your DH follows through.

CLove's picture

Make certain that you do not make things too comfortable and easy.

Make him WANT to leave with every fiber of his being. Change those passwords. Vacume and clean at early hours. Have him be your chore b!tch (TM Rags)

reedle2021's picture

I 100% agree with CLove.  Make his life in your home very uncomfortable.  Nag him.  Constantly be in his business.  Be polite, of course, but be as invasive and demanding as you can.  Leave him lists of things to do, etc. 

I know what it's like to have no peace at home - that's a very bad way to feel.

Please take care of yourself, keep us posted! 

MirandaT's picture

DH seems to be ok with it. All this was discussed during our counseling session. It's probably very generous with the 90 days but thats it. NO longer than that. If he does not have it together by then well that's not my concern anymore and he has to go. 

Ispofacto's picture

Let me put this in perspective for you: If Satan came into my house, I'd burn it down. For real.

Your DH (Dumb Husband) is gaslighting you. That is number one on my dealbreakers list. I would make an ultimatum, either his son leaves, or they both do. Full stop.

In the meantime, pasword protect your wifi, hulu, netflix, etc. Don't buy any snacks the POS might like, and remove any existing snacks from your house.


MirandaT's picture

Thankfully, SS does not touch any of my food and etc. I definitely changed my passwords so he can't access any streaming apps on the tv in the room he stays in. I'm trying to be calm because everyone knows how i can get. I can be a mean B! when I'm annoyed especially in my own home. DH can gaslight me but he will be in for a rude awakening if he does not standby what we agreed on. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

That is very generous but YES... be in this losers face everyday. How'd your DH handle this?

MirandaT's picture

I know that is probably too long but I am being nice. Give him enough time plus he just experienced a death of someone very close to him.  At this point it doesnt matter what DH think even though he agreed. Things have to change by 90 days or they are all out!!! 

MirandaT's picture

Just FYI. I am making it very uncomfortable for him. He tries not to stay at the house often . I hate that it got to this point because we had a decent respectable relationship but this is making me feel a certain type of way towards him. I rather he go now before I get to the point I despise him. I don't want to hear anymore excuses and all that he is dealing with because that is not my problem. 

Eventually, my feelings will be this way towards DH. I hate it because this man has been nothing but great to me. It's just the issue with his children. We have two different parenting styles and I definitely have strong views in regards to Adult children living at home. 


Lillywy00's picture

NEVER - I repeat NEVER - let adult stepkids live with you. 

I'll put some money towards a hotel before I ever let an adult stepkid set their pinky toe over the threshold of my home. 

It's hell dealing with them under 18 as dependents and I'll be damned if I gotta struggle to get peace in my home, argue with their bio parents, deal with annoying behaviors and longer than required by law.