I know just what you mean about the never-ending crises.  I used to think that our kids were standing in line, as soon as we'd finished with one kid's drama, another was just waiting.

I also understand feeling like a taxi service.  That movie Stepmom had a lot of fantasy elements but I do recall Julia Roberts suddenly having to drive the SKs around.

You're lucky that your DH has a realistic view of your situation.  Thongs would be a whole lot worse if he didnt.

I'm crossing my fingers you don't end up with FT custody, like we did.  Altho, I have to say FT was surprisingly easier than the transitional hell.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but you are definitely not alone in your feelings. Being a SP is a thankless job. 

Prior to BM moving out-of-state with SS 5 years ago, she expected me to be personal taxi service, babysitter, etc. at her beck and call, but she was also the first to make accusations against me, get wildly jealous if SS showed me any type of affection, repeatedly reminded me that I wasn't SS' Mom or parent, despite the fact that she referred to her GF as SS' "other Mom" and "parent", and constantly harass DH about me. I finally said enough was enough. I removed myself from the "co-parenting" dynamic, leaving BM, GF, and DH to duke it out. I did nothing to make BM's life easier - if SS needed babysitting and DH wasn't available, too bad. If BM needed SS picked up from school, daycare, or sports and DH couldn't, sorry. If BM was going to treat me like nothing, then I would be nothing and do nothing. I have had no phone or email contact with BM directly in 4 years and I have only seen her a handful of times, not saying a word to her. She is blocked on absolutely everything. BM still reminds DH that if he is unable to pick up SS for visitation for whatever reason, I can make the 8 hour roundtrip drive to pick him up, per our CO (I'm not obligated but 3rd parties are allowed to). DH laughs because he knows I would rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than drive 8 hours roundtrip to do the parents' jobs. DH and BM (or GF because she has) can make that trek; I will be comfortably sitting at home binging Netflix or doing literally anything else. 

I also know what you mean about skids stopping affection. My SS has never called me "Mom" ever. I never expected him to, since he has BM. Then, all the sudden, 6 months after BM started dating GF, he was calling GF "Mom." I was hurt, not because I expected it, but because I had been in his life for 5 years at this point and I got quickly replaced and pushed further down the totem pole by a GF of 6 months. It is clear as day that I am last on SS' mind. He doesn't recognize me for any of the holidays: Christmas, my birthday, Mother's Day, etc. If we were playing a game that required a team, SS would pick BM, GF, DH, his former kindergarten teacher, and even the mailman over me. SS will tell me he loves me if I say it first. He doesn't really initiate hugs unless he is also giving one to DH. So I totally get what this feels like. I have just learned to disengage and do only what I want to for SS, leaving the rest to DH. It has helped, but it still hurts to be on the same level as a friend of a friend or estranged family member when I have been in his life since he was 10 months old. Be kind to yourself and only do what you want to do, not what you feel obligated to do. 

Unfortunately, these HCBMs create these dynamics. They want to be the ONLY parent, but they don't want to do any of the work, so they pawn skids off on their partners, their parents, extracurricular activities, etc. Yet, they also don't want their exes (DH) to do any of the work either, as it gives up their control over skids. BM has made this whole situation hell for me, so she gets ignored in return. If she is mad about DH and my lack of involvement with SS, she shouldn't have pushed so hard to keep us out of his life. We aren't fighting for the slivers she gives us. I don't usually hate people but I despise her and I cannot wait to legally untangle ourselves from her in 7 years - I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire and I was the only source of water on earth.

You might want to change "bedroom door must be cracked" to "wide open". A friend of mine had the "cracked" rule. Knocked on the door, frantic shuffling, pushed it open to son and gf frantically adjusting clothes. They were going at it behind that cracked door. *fool*

Where there's a will, there's a way.

My DH would do the "I have to check with ESMOD"... and obviously that means that he would have said yes.. but I vetoed it.. so throwing me under the bus.  He got the hurt "but I'm trying to include you and not do things without your input".. but I told him that by saying it that way.. "check with Esmod".. it was obvious that at min I said no.

I  said.. you either say "Let me think about it".. or "NO".. or if it's something obviously a yes.. just say it.  but don't make it seem like I'm the party pooper here.

Why do these jerk off DH's throw their loving wives under the bus? Cowards, desperate to get crumbs from the skid. Pathetic.

I know you said you didnt really care if you are the bad guy. However everytime DH does this the skids grow more resentment towards you . As if they dont have enough already.

Your DH is being a coward. He gets to play good daddio and you get assigned the evil nay sayer SM.

This needs to stop

Blessings

DH still has a no boys in SD's room and shes 18! I agree with him. Yes she and her boyfriend will find ways to "get it on" but he's not going to make it easy for them! And she would never be allowed to be at our home alone with him.

As for your SD - seriously prepare yourself for her wanting less and less to do with you. Think of it this way - babies smile at  and love everyone. Little kids like almost everyone. But as kids grow older they like less and less people. Your SD may have started out maybe even loving you but as she matures she will pick BM's corner and consider you an enemy at worst - an unimportmant person in her life at best. 

I had to accept that my SD will never love me. That we will never be close,  and sometimes it still hurts. But I just try to focus on the positive which is at least she and I are polite to one another, she's a good kid that will not be full of drama and she has weaned herself off of DH so she is here less and he and I are having more time to ourselves (which unfortunatly may be too late since so many issues have been growing for years but thats another issue)

I swear to God it seems like stepparents are put on this Earth just to be the scapegoat/bad guy in any situation where a bioparent might upset their kid by saying, "no" to something. My DH does this with me fairly often and it makes me nuts. He's perfectly fine planning most things with SD and then just telling me about it, but when it's something he wants to say no to, it's almost like he looks at me to say, "no" instead of saying it himself. I started calling him out on it and asked him how many times his parents said no and didn't give him a reason. He said plenty, and I said, same here. So, why do we need to justify every single freaking no to SD? We don't. Sometimes a no is a no.

My SD10 is also inconsistent with showing me affection. She rarely says goodnight to me, but will always make sure to say it to DH. She leaves the house all the time and never says good bye to me. She'll come home from school while I'm there and not even greet me. She comes in, takes her shoes and coat off, and breezes by to her bedroom. Maybe after 20 minutes she'll come out and say something. Usually asking for a snack. At some point I just accepted it and I've started to treat her like a cat, lol. If she wants to give me a hug, I'm up for it. If she says hello to me when she comes home, I make sure to say hi and ask how her day was. I don't try too hard, but I try enough. And honestly, all that outweighs the times she does stuff like says thank you for making dinner, or when she tells me I look nice before I leave the house for work, or when we do something together and she says she had a nice time. 

Wow your SD and and my SD do the exact same thing. No affection at all anymore. If anything Toxic BM says to SD and I shake my head at it, I'm the worst person on the entire planet. Even though BM neglects her and allows headlice to permanently live in her When DH isnt around she doesn't listen or do anything I say. SS and I get along really well so when she's disrespectful he reminds her not to talk to me like that. 

It's so tough being a SP and I am a definite taxi service picking up and driving the kids to school when DH can't get out of work.

I'm not looking forward to the teenage years.. I think DH will buy both SD and SS a box of condoms when they are at the age of starting to have sex. Doors are wide open in our home too. 

I did tell DH get SD on birth control though. BM dropped out of school in year 10 and got pregnant with SS. DH only dated her for 5 months and she was pregnant! I said if SD has a mother like that.. get her on birth control asap.