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Starting the week off with PAS and lots of Crazy

TrueNorth77's picture

Skids came yesterday, but during the day (and all wknd really) DH and Crazy were arguing back and forth on OFW about Dr. appt's for SD13. There are SO many- literally 1-2/week, and managing them is insane. When DH says he will see what day works for him to schedule an appt, Crazy replies with "Use vacation to take your daughter to her appts!!! You don't even care about her appts!".  DH is in manufacturing- he has to find someone to work for him either way, and normal people try to schedule appt's so they don't have to use vacation! And he can, he just has to switch with people. 

SS16 was supposed to just bring SD with him to our house, but like usual didn't listen and came without her. Crazy messaged DH saying SS "will not be coming back to pick SD up, it's DH's job". So DH ignored that and sent SS back to pick up SD like he was supposed to originally. Lol. SD went right to her room, DH went up shortly after to talk to her and see how her first date ever went on Sat, and SD was balled up on her bed with her back turned, refusing to look at or talk to DH. He told her if she didn't turn around and talk to him he would take her phone, so he did. She came down later and did her chore, I asked what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me. DH tried to talk to her again- Nothing. He said, ok, I have to take SS's car for a test drive, so you're coming with. 20 mins later they are back and DH fills me in on why she was mad at him (with SD still there). He had to guess at the reason to get her to talk. Apparently Crazy inolved SD in the OFW messages, except she told SD that DH said he was "Never going to take a vacation day or any time off period for SD's appts, and he was never going to any of SD's appts again". That she's not important enough to him to do that. And, that SD's therapist was "rude to her", so she now doesn't like SD's therapist and wants SD to get a new therapist. She also tried to tell SD that her therapist was the same therapist that SS16 and Crazy's other daughter had when they were young, and she was rude to Crazy then too. Except...none of that is true. Literally everything she told SD is a flat-out lie. SD even pointed out that she saw the same therapist as SS when they were young and this isn't the same person. It is really just mind-blowing the things this psycho will do and say. 

So DH explained what really happened with the messages, and told SD she shouldn't even know what is being talked about on OFW- it's not for her to be involved in. But since she was already involved and mad at DH for it, he also showed her the messages from yesterday so she could see exactly what was said, and that he did NOT say the things Crazy said he did. Once SD saw the messages she was 100% back to normal. But the way she believed Crazy and her PAS is unreal. We all had a good talk and at bedtime she came and gave both of us a hug and kiss, which never happens lately. (If i'm around, only DH gets one. If DH isn't around, then I get one. We can't figure it out) DH said to me, we are probably the best parents on the planet. He is all feeling good, happy with how things went. Which I get, and I felt better also, but I also felt overstimulated and drained from it all. I told him that I don't bounce back from the drama quite as fast as he does because I don't have bio-glasses on, and to his credit I could see him trying to put himself in my shoes and he said he can understand that. 

NOW- SD has a counseling appt. right now that also was supposed to involve the parents to set up a "game plan" for when/if SD makes suicidal statements in the future. The counselor emailed Crazy asking if I should come- Crazy actually said yes. Then emailed the Counselor a few days later saying she doesn't want me there. DH emailed yesterday (He meant to last week but forgot) saying I would be attending, and the Counselor left a VM today saying I can't come without Crazy's permission. Are you f'ng kidding me??? She is NUTS, and she is calling the shots??? I'm so pissed. Crazy has sent DH message after message saying "TrueNorth doesn't attend SD's appts, she doesn't care about SD, blah blah blah".Aand no, I'm not going to SD's Dr. appt's because DH has it covered and I'm sure as shit not going to see Crazy there. But this is important. And she blocks me from coming. It is mind-boggling that a SM isn't allowed to come unless BM says so. 

The upside is now I don't have to spend Valentine's day with that dumb box.  


Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ugh, that just sucks. What if your DH tried to word it a little differently? Instead of he'll "see what works", say "I'll take care of it". Or if Crazy must be told when, "I'll let you know what day it's scheduled". Crazy needs to take a 20 lb Valium. 

TrueNorth77's picture

He's used the "I'll let you know what day it's scheduled" line, but I will suggest just saying I will take care of it and then he can put it on the OFW calendar when it's scheduled. He shouldn't even need to tell her when it's scheduled, There is literally a calendar for this. 

Survivingstephell's picture

After the facts are presented you might drop in the question for her to ponder " why would your mother say all that?"   She doesn't need to to answer you but she does need to think about it.  In fact maybe DH could bring it up at therapy with SD and BM present.  Exposing crazy and more importantly WHO the crazy one  needs to be made clear if SD is to have any hope of overcoming this drama in her life.  Of course if DH is unable to remain calm and let BM spin out of control with out  joining in then he needs    To approach it differently.   In the thick of it, in our situation it was drama left and right and exhausting.  Take care of yourself.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I am disgusted on your behalf. I can't imagine dealing with all that. These joint coparenting therapy appointments seem like a bad idea. Giving Crazy power/an audience is not helping things. I'd rather pay for 2 separate therapy appts than attend with the ex. 

TrueNorth77's picture

DH wanted nothing to do with this. He told the therapist they have a very HC relationship- not just a little HC, but very HC. The therapist insisted this session was necessary so they could all "get on the same page" with an emergency plan should SD make suicidal threats in the future. DH relented because he knows it should happen and didn't know how else it would happen, but this will be the ONLY appt. with both of them together. I'm still really mad that Crazy had the power to exclude me, for no other reason than she decided she didn't want me there, not because it was the best thing for SD. But, it also illustrates that when Crazy is lamenting to SD about how I don't care because I don't go to her appt's, that she is full of shit because I did try to go to this one and SD knows that, but her mom stopped me. 

strugglingSM's picture

It's not out of the ordinary for someone to try to figure out when a doctor's appointment will work for them before scheduling it. I reschedule my kids appointments all the time when it doesn't work for my schedule. Also, my dad never went to any of my doctor's appointments, so not going to a doctor's appointment is not a sign you don't love your kid. BM used to pull the same crap with DH, but it was about telling SS that DH didn't care about him because he didn't go to football practices...not games, practices. SS was 13 at the time and used to cry to DH about "why don't you come to my practices?!" Why does any parent go to practices at that age? BM also decided she didn't like the therapist, after the therapist refused to tell SS that DH was a terrible person and refused to suggest that DH be forced to go to counseling with BM. Neither SS is in therapy any longer (I think they both went 3 or 4 times and then stopped going...after BM screamed and cried that they were "in crisis" and needed counseling). The games never end with some of these BMs. One of my SSs is now seeing the light a bit because he now has a girlfriend and BM doesn't like that, so now he's dealing with the drama, but I still think he believes some of her PA lies. 

TrueNorth77's picture

This sounds soo similar. Why on earth would parents need to go to practices??? Talk about overkill. Crazy will use anything she can grasp at to try to show SD that "we don't care". I don't care because I don't go to her Dr. appt's (Crazy is half the reason I don't go, not that I'm needed there). Since DH doesn't use actual vacation time, then he's selfish and only wants to use it on other things and doesn't care enough about SD....even though he doesn't actually NEED to use vacation time and can switch instead, so why would he use it?...but that doesn't fit her narrative. 


Rags's picture

SD gained clarity on her BM's lies and manipulations.

Keep it up. DH needs to show SD all of the facts. The CO, visitation schedule, and even review the OFW messages to keep BM's ass bared and keep her under her slime covered rock.  Kids need the facts to able to protect themselves from just the type of manipulative, lying, PASing POS parent that this BM is.  Not only as they are progressing through their teens but also once they progress into adulthood. These types of people rarely change and even more rarely stop victimizing their own children.

IMHO of course.

This allowed us to protect my SS and has allowed for him to continue to protect himself from the SpermClan lies, manipulations, and attempts to get him to helf support the product of his Spermidiot's indescriminate breeding career.  The actually tried to guilt SS into having payroll deductions from his pay direct deposited to them to help support his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas.

By the time SS was 18 and in the USAF, he knew their crap, knew the facts, and had grown confident in his own ability to minimize their crap. They hated that he had the facts and would call them on the lies and manipulations in real time when they tried to play him.

Good luck to you, DH and the Skids.  This BM is going to be a life long challenge for all of you.