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Quick update

CLove's picture

Well I always knew that this particular group has "clear slate syndome". Wake up and its a new day, folks.

Everyone is happier than ever!

Husband is kind and loving and happily hanging out.

SD16 B/M bought a little mini pie-maker with her party money and happily showed it off to me.

Everyone is happy and cheerful. Things got "fixed". No one is talking about it.

My friend tells me "its their way, you either go with it or go away"... they deal with things and move on.

Maybe all this time Ive been over thinking things. Just wipe the slate clear.

My take-aways...just progress...


Rags's picture

ignore it until next time mode, it can be a better conneciton with blended family peace. If they will keep their heads out of their asses and you do not have to be forced to ignore the resurfacing of behavioral crap from B/M.

My SS used to beg for me to re-take the lead in parenting and discipline when his mom would go into one of her full engagement discipline and parenting phases.

"Dad, can you please go back to disciplining me. You are clear on what I need to do, you apply the consequences, then let me figure it all out until next time I screw up. Mom lectures me incessently, for days and even weeks on end.  Pleeeeaaaassssseeee Dad!"

This would usually occur when she would take exception to how I parented or disciplined in a specific situation.  I would tell her if she did not like how I was parenting/disciplining to step up and get it done before I had to.  So, she would get all in his Cheerios. 

Take care of you CLove.

caninelover's picture

Only to repeat the cycle.  They don't really deal with anything, eg acknowledge the issue and work towards change.

It isn't unusual in dysfunctional families to bury things and move on.  Not always healthy, though.

kwagner73's picture

Hopefully you have peace for a little while. I would say to create your own peace, prepare yourself for other blow ups. It is natural in relationships in general for there to be miscommunication and misunderstanding of intention. Even more so with people in a blended family when there are toxic parent(s) involved. IMHO, your SD may actually be creating drama on purpose, to get your reaction and attention. Maybe try a composure of complete indifference, see what's happening, but do not react in the slightest. Let them come to you. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't know if you have been overthinking or if you just don't operate the same way. Some people are fine with "wiping the slate". Other people aren't.

I think it comes down to what is being wiped clean. A petty fight with no real consequence is probably fine to wipe away. But years of bad parenting? Abuse? Neglect? That can't just be "wiped away". Individual instances might be able to, but the impact of those bigger things linger.

Ultimately you have to decide what you can and can't just wipe clean. An entitled 16 year old who has never been effectively parented acting like a 16 year old who acts like they have never been effectively parented? Yeah, most of that should probably just wash away. Some of the other sh*t that keeps rolling downhill toward you, though?  You'll have to decide whether you can let it go or not. If you can't, that's okay. This just may not be the family dynamic and partnership that is right for you.

ESMOD's picture

As long as you don't take it as some signal for you to wade back in with your version of "helping/doing nice things" for everyone.. then as has been said.. for petty stuff.. minor misunderstandings.. yeah.. just put it behind you.. move on.  But don't mistake their chipper attitudes as a permanent state of mind.  Like everyone.. good days.. bad days.. 

My best advice to you is live YOUR life.  Deal with your SD as needed... mirror what she appears to need at the moment.. whether that be you out of her hair.. or a sympathetic ear.. she will feel like she wants different things at different times.  Let her ask for things vs you pressing her with opportunities and obligations.  Let her parents manage her education.  I don't care if your DH is a computer idiot.  my father is 93 and can manage on a basic level... show him.. and if you have to log on for him.. fine.. but let HIM ask you to help him..   it's not your responsibility to manage and you inserting yourself just opens you up as a target.

stepmomnorth's picture

Do you think that she is mature enough to sit down and have a talk about it together? Something along the lines of,  I know that our lines got crossed about the theatre tickets I had purchased and I'm willing to put that aside as a miscommunication and move on. I'd like to still do fun things together, such as going to a movie or baking together and I'm wondering if this is something you would be interested in. If not, that is completely fine., and there will be no pressure. We can just do our own thing. Just thought it might be a good idea to talk about it 

stepmomnorth's picture

I'm getting the impression in general that she is pulling back from the kind gestures that you are making. Perhaps talking with her if you think it might help. Otherwise I would say to just cut back on doing things for her for a while and give her some overall space. Her actions are speaking more than her words at the moment. I think that the actions are saying she needs space. Which is fine, however teenagers aren't always equipped with the best way of communicating their needs.