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Husband moving out with 18 year old stepson

Burgess baby's picture

My husband has just broke the news he is leaving to move to a flat with his 18 yr old stepson. He has always tried to convince me to let him live with us and our 14 yr old bio son but I would not be able to cope. The weekly visits create enough disruption and stress as it is. He has got issues, he's 20 stone and is extremely lazy and has a very large appetite. My bio son has a chronic illness so I'm extremely busy looking after him so I have no time to look after an adult stepson. We are struggling financially and have a 2 bedroom house so there is no room. He sleeps on a pull out sofa in the living room when he stays which is not ideal but we make do. I was hoping that the visits would get less and less as he got older and he would start his own life but this has not happened so far. We encouraged him to get a job or go to college but he is too lazy to try. He has no friends to speak of, his attitude is not good and he does not makes friends easy. his BM struggles to afford to feed him and struggles with his attitude. She has told him to come and live with me and my husband, she can't cope with him. She knows we have no space. My husband is so worried about the SS, he has decided to get a place with him, to help him get a job, lose weight etc. My husband spends so much time worrying, it's definitely effected our marriage which is why we're here. If I say anything or give my opinion, my husband goes into protective mode. I really sympathise with my husband having to make this choice, especially as our bio is so ill. He is a very good dad and will spend time with both boys. The kids come first at all times.  I'm just wondering if anyone else has a partner who puts the SS first all the time and has even moved out just to be with the SC? 

JRI's picture

My DH hasn't done it but I wouldnt put it past him.  As it is, if we discuss the unlikely event of me passing before him (I'm 8 years younger), I could see him moving SD60 in here or getting a place with her.  At 85, you would think this would be for his benefit but no, it would be because poor, sick, victimized (lying, thieving manipulative) SD60 would need him and nobody else can stand being around her.

Tm's picture

Wrong marriage comes first, then kids. If your bio son is ill you would think Dad would be concerned with taking care of you and your ill son. The 20 year old can figure it out himself he's sounds able bodied to me. I'm going through some stuff at the moment myself and I can relate to you, especially with my husband getting upset when I bring up issues about his son. All I can tell you is take care of yourself and your kiddo. 

KC is not the stepmother's picture

I am devastated for you.  If there are financial struggles then you and BS should come first. Can he pay for this separate home?  Also, there's no reason for weekly visits from an adult. SS needs to go be an adult, go to school or get a job. These aren't things your husband can do for him. 

More Coffee Please's picture

I have made it clear to my kids and the skids that no adult child will live with us unless it is a transition thing. (Place to stay when in between apartments or something like that.) No full-time, live-in adult children. 

ndc's picture

If you are struggling financially, how in the world is your husband going to afford to set up a separate household?  And does he just expect you to live separately for some indefinite period of time until his adult child manages to launch or is this the beginning of the end of your marriage? Did BM's inability to cope with the SS coincide with the end of child support?

Frankly, I do not blame you for refusing to allow SS to move in.  It sounds like you do not have the space for him, and he has not lived full time with you before, so now that he's grown into a lazy adult with such a bad attitude that his own mother doesn't want him, it doesn't seem like a good time for him to start.  Your husband has made the wrong choice.  Your marriage should come before his adult child. We've never encountered an issue like this, because my husband's kids are elementary school age, but I can assure you that if he chose to go live with one of his kids over me and our bio, that would be the end of our marriage.

Winterglow's picture

Why did your dh only "encourage" his son to get a job or go to college? He should have lit a fire under his arse. The kid is not going to get any better until harsh reality hits him. Your husband moving into another place with him is going to do absolutely nothing because your dh has already shown that he coddles the kid (allowing him to drift on aimlessly for years). If he would stop worrying (a waste of time) and started taking serious action, his son might just be salvageable but he's going to need professional help (for the weight loss part and therapy to get to the root cause of his situation).

Has your SS always been like this or has his general apathy developed over time? Has he been screened for depression? 

reedle2021's picture

I feel for you and am so sorry you are going through this.  I was in the same situation only with a 21 (now almost 22) year old SS.  He wouldn't work at all and then when he finally got a job, he refused to work more than 10-15 hrs/week; he was immature, hostile toward me, demanded all his daddy's time and his dad and I never did anything as a couple.  Everything revolved around his manchild.  At the time I left, it seemed to me that his adult son will simply live with him indefinitely and his daddy even told me, "if he wants to live with us the rest of his life, that's fine with me as long as he's happy!"  I moved out 2 months ago (end of May) and filed for divorce.  I haven't heard from them since and I have been so much happier without the baggage.  My husband was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to me but even without that, I always came last and his son always came first; the marriage wouldn't have lasted even if he wasn't abusive.  It is hard on a marriage when an adult kid fails and refuses to launch.  I must say I agree with other posters:  marriage comes first.  I also agree that an adult kid needs to be an adult and have a fire lit under his ass to get out and get a job, be self-sufficient.  My husband would also get irate and ignore me for days if I gently suggested anything remotely related to his manchild getting out on his own. The only reason my soon to be ex husband didn't move out with his son is because neither of them wants to work, he had threatened to move out with his son, though, on multiple occasions.  It was very upsetting at the time. 

I hope things work out for you.  I know this is hard.  Please know you have a place to come and vent and be supported.  Be kind to yourself and know that this is your husband's issue, not yours.

Take care of yourself!

lieutenant_dad's picture

File for separation NOW and hit him with CS for your BS. If he wants to go take care of SS18 after spending the last 18 years not doing so in spite of weekly visits, then he does so at very much his own expense. Your 14 year old who has medical needs should NOT lose out on needed care and income just because your H feels super guilty for being a lackluster father the first time around.

Let me make this clear: your BS doesn't need "visits" with his dad. He needs his dad as his CARETAKER because he is ill. I'm not saying SS wouldn't benefit from more time with his dad and learning these skills, but at 18, he has the CHOICE not to do the things your H envisions him doing. Don't let your son suffer. Protect him and his rights to care and income through his father.

Also, don't sympathize with your H. You can have empathy that it's a rough situation, but stand firm. YOUR SERIOUSLY ILL, MINOR CHILD TAKES PRIORITY. Point blank. Remember that.

SteppedOut's picture

Absolutely this!! Seriously, don't let yourself and your MINOR son suffer because your husband didn't want to parent him until he was a worthless adult. 

ETA: Is this failed adult your husband's child, or his stepson.

SteppedOut's picture

Double post cuz I'm so damn mad for you! 

CLove's picture

That totally sucks. I had to look up 20 stone. What the actual frig does your spouse think hes going to do to make changes? Hes already had 20 years...and what about your ill bio son?

Kids do not come first in healthy marriages. Period.

Loxy's picture

That is a really tough situation and I feel for you. Personally, if my DH made the same choice that would be the end of the marriage for me. He's putting the needs of you and your bio son last and that would be a deal breaker fo rme. I think you deserve better and should seriously think about separation, espeically separating financial assets so you are not impacted by the extra expense of the lazy SS. 

Rags's picture

What decision?  There is no decision. This is an adult kid whose mother has no use or time for him.   You nor your DH can afford to feed him much less a second home for DH and his failed family progeny.

The only decision I see is  your Dh making an idiot decision.


He is abandoning his wife, marriage, and younger son for this train wreck?


SS can stay with mommy and dad can coach, parent, and guide without destroying the marriage, your life and the life of your shared younger son.


IMHO of course.

Catmom024's picture

I have seen so many instances where the younger bio child of the father and stepmother is treated like a second class citizen compared to the older child the man had with the previous spouse.  I wonder why that is?  It's like children from the "first" family come first.   Maybe it's some sort of shared dysfunction that binds them. 

Miss T's picture

How is this playing out? I hope you and your son are staying sane and that you have hired an aggressive lawyer to protect both of you.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. Here are the facts:

  1. BM has failed SS. 
  2. Your DH has failed SS.
  3. SS has mental issues due to his crap parents.
  4. SS had morbid obesity due to his crap parents.

Your husband is very worried about his son and you don't want him around because he is/has always been inconvienent. This kid is 18. He hasn't had any kind of up bringing for him to be able to launch. Yes, he needs his dad. His dad may have been able to do more but thanks to court systems, his hands were tied and BM was likely in control. So now he is trying to step up so that his son will be successful and you don't want to deal with it.

That's fine. That is  your choice. 

I would suggest to your DH looking at weight loss surgery to start. It is usually a pretty long process but with that tool and working out he could get down to a manageable weight, and solve many other problems at the same time. It's amazing how much your physical body will affect your mental state. 

I think moving out and establishing a 2nd home it ridiculous, you need to look at a 3 bd instead. This is something that you give timelines and expectations on but you take on together. Not go live separate lives.