Is this a fair boundary to set with my husband? Opinions Please
My soon-to-be adult stepson is extremely toxic and has a variety of unhealthy behaviors. He and his mom have caused so much pain and damage to my husband and I over the ears and now it is primarily my stepson doing all the manipulating and abusing. My stepson has basically isolated himself from me and his half-siblings (my two young children) and now only remains in communication with my husband so he can manipulate him for money. At this point, due to my stepson's threatening and unpredictable behavior in our home, it was decided by therapists, child protective services and my husband and I that it is not safe or healthy for my stepson to continue visiting our home. Now, my husband just goes for day visits to see his son on a regular basis. That does not mean that there is not a multitude of dramatic phone calls that continuously come from therapists and family members of my stepson's with a variety of problems all centered around my stepson. Because my stepson refuses therapy, which he is basically being forced to undergo because he is still a minor for now, he is leaving all the reprocussuons of his bad manipulation and toxic behavior to be cleaned up by surrounding family members, especially my husband.
In my opinion, my husband struggles with recognize healthy and unhealthy behavior and how to set proper boundaries with my stepson. Whenever he gets phone calls about the issues involving my stepson, my husband shares them with me and wants to discuss them with me, analyze the situation and help him come up with ways to deal with the problems. However, if I point out to him some ways that he might want to set firm boundaries with my stepson, he doesn't want to hear if it and gets very defensive and we end up arguing. So, I have asked my husband to please refrain from involving me in the issues pertaining to my stepson because it only seems to cause conflict between the two of us. My husband is very upset about this and says I am trying to punish him. I have tried to explain to him that I am trying to move on from the pain and trauma we've endured for the last several years and now that my stepson has shut everyone out except my husband, I feel that it's healthier for me to not have to be involved in his unhealthy behaviors towards my husband and just his toxic lifestyle in general. I want to move forward and heal and I don't like fighting with my husband over my stepson.
Is this a fair boundary to set? Am I being unreasonable? I have worked so hard over the last year especially to gain a healthier way of dealing with toxic people and my husband has not and refuses to acknowledge his part in this toxic relationship we've had with my stepson. Is it fair for him to expect me to listen to him complain about my stepson's bad behavior while he knows that I don't agree with a lot of the way he handles my stepson? I'd rather just be left out of it. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Anyone been in a situation like this before?