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Choosing between stepson and bio son

Burgess baby's picture

I have an issue which seems to be quite common. Our bioson is 4 and the stepson is 8 and leaves 70 miles away. The recent event is that the stepson has his xmas concert the sametime as our son. He chose to go to the stepsons and he would be upset. I know our 4 year old wont be as concerned but I think his father she be there fir his first concert which is a special time. I feel for my husband having this issue but I don't want our son to miss out as he has many times since he was born. It is mainly the distance and his dad has stayed overnight with his stepson numerous times. Please some advice?

Burgess baby's picture


doll faced sm's picture

I'm assuming bio4 is yours and DHs together?? If so, is alternating an option. For example, he shose to go to SS's special event this time, so next time there's a scheduling conflict, it automatically defaults to bio? If that's a compromise DH is willing to make, then I also suggest letting ss and bio know ahead of time that from now on, this is how it will be when a scheduling conflict arises.

If, however, bio is yours from a previous relationship, then each of you goes to your own bio's event.

StickAFork's picture

Each kid has a parent there, right?
Is BM going to SS's concert?

Honestly, if DH alternates, I think that would work. But also keep in mind that your DH is there for DS's day to day life. He misses very little. He probably has very limited time with SS and misses a lot.
If I were your DH, I'd be at SS's concert, too.

herewegoagain's picture

I'd kick my DHs ass if he went to the skids concert instead of our bio's concert. Does it suck to be an SKID? Maybe. Was it OUR decision? Nope, it was BM and DH. They made the decision. Our child's parents are still together and he DESERVES to live such a life. The skid can have dad as well, but not above our child. Sorry, it sucks. You should not have gotten divorced.

doll faced sm's picture

So skid is undeserving? Remember, it wasn't skid's decision, either.

anabihibik's picture

I'd think about the alternating thing and record biokid's concert and have DH and biokid watch it together, so that biokid can hear DH's response to his performance.

Unfreakingreal's picture

I think DH should attend SSs concert, you should attend BSs concert. Record BSs concert and watch it together as a family later. Maybe even when SS is over and that way he can see it as well. Make it an evening, get popcorn, snacks and make it an event. Don't make DH choose, that would suck.

darkhorse's picture

stick with supporting your own kid and remember you are setting a presedense for the future. As your 4 year old gets older don't you want ur husband there? Don't be flex because the future will kick ur butt. LOL

sixteensmom's picture

70 miles isn't anything these days. He can go to both. 4 year olds concerts start at 5pm. 8yr olds are at 7pm. plenty of time to go to 4s, and be 10-15mins late for 8s. Otherise. I completely feel how torn you are. Who moved 70 miles away, him or bm? Will 4 even realize he's not there? Does either kid have an actual talent? If he can only choose one, I think he goes to 4s. I also like the idea of the video and family movie night, for the 8 or the 4.

evirgo01's picture

I can completely relate, Burgess baby.

I had this situation a couple of months ago myself. My SS9 had a football game at the same time as our BD6's soccer game and it wasn't "our" weekend. My DH skipped out on our BD's game in favor of my SS's game. I was livid. I told him he could've attended the BD's game (they're only 25 mins long) and then drive the 5 mins to watch the 2nd half of my SS's football game. Seems that our BD always plays 2nd fiddle to the SS, which is one of the many reasons we are now divorced. Not suggesting that you have to resort to that extreme...I'm just lending a sympathetic ear. I hope you find a resolution that makes everyone happy. Smile

bartlett5157's picture

I'd be steaming if my husband chose his kids concert over ours, it's not your kids fault his kid lives so far away. Why should your kid be punished for it? My SS always gets the short end of the stick but oh well maybe he should blame his mom for being a dumb ass and lying to my husband about taking her birth control when they were together so she could get pregnant when he wasn't ready and she knew that. It's her fault he lives in a split up family so unfortunately for him he gets the shaft all of the time. My kid isn't gong to have a messed up life because of my SS mother's stupid life decisions and your kid shouldn't either!

jumanji's picture

I agree with the suggestions to alternate such activities. NEITHER kid should be punished for the situation.

Burgess baby's picture

Thanks for all opinions, was very helpful.

The outcome was I went to bs and partner went to the ss concert!

My partner was still gutted he had missed our child's first one.

He is going to alternate if it happens again