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BM won but still rubs it in

SeeYouNever's picture

The past weekend was father's day and SD sent DH a text mid day. Very formal "Happy Father's Day I hope the day finds you well love you miss you." Her birthday is next week so she's been a bit more responsive this month because she's angling for a new iPhone. DH has told her no on that so she's dropped off talking to him again. He tried to call a few times father's day weekend, no answer. 

Today BM texts DH "I just thought you should know that yesterday your daughter graduated with honors if you want to congratulate her. She got 15 awards and will be taking all honors classes in high school next year. She is also admitted into this a special program that is only for 15 out of 200 students. I am going to be signing her up for some summer programs more information to follow."  I have to give it to SD and BM they're both very professional when I'm talking to DH...

To be perfectly honest, and I am probably going to seem kind of snotty, being in special programs and taking honors classes is pretty much the norm and expected if you live in an afluent area and don't have any behavioral issues or learning disabilities. BM has put SD in special programs before and basically they will take whoever is willing to pay to be in them. SD is not dumb but BM is trying to make DH feel bad as if she is made all these accomplishments no thanks to him. BM signed up SD for so many extracurriculars and had the age pay half of all of them so her guilt trip making it seem like SD accomplished all of this without his help didn't quite hit the way she thought it would. 

My response was it would have been nice to know about that before the ceremony. My DH agreed and that was that. I'm very happy that he doesn't fall for these carefully crafted guilt trips anymore. I'm sure he still feels bad but both BM and SD have had ample time to tell DH about this if they wanted. He asks SD about school every time he talks to her but that's usually when she wants to hang up because as soon as the conversation deviates from pleasantries and what he can buy her she's done talking. 

What does BM want at this point? She won she has been successful in alienating SD from her dad and completely shoving him out of her life. He still pays for whatever extra SD needs. She's got his money without any of his involvement isn't that what she wants? Is she just guilt tripping him because she is going to ask for a hefty sum for summer programs? Or does she just want to rub in her victory?


hregal2011's picture

This situation does suck.  On many levels. You/DH aren't included in SDs accomplishments and SD is ultimately alienated from dad.  I feel like DH should return a very poised email/text expressing how you guys would have loved to know/be part of her accomplishments.  Let her know that in the future you want that info so you can share those moments.  Good for the kid that she is smart and doing can lead a horse to water but you can make them drink. She likely earned some of it.  My SD16's great school accomplishments involve turning in just enough work to get all D's and not have to retake a class (although she has failed some).  Don't let BM win, you can insist on involvement without being petty or getting upset--but it's certainly not easy.

SeeYouNever's picture

My husband has never said a bad word to SD about BM. He sent SD congrats but it's not the same as actually being involved. DH has convinced himself SD will be fine without him. It really does suck when he tries to be involved and it cut off at every point and then BM guilt trips him for not being involved 



strugglingSM's picture

BM would do the same thing. Send DH a text telling him he should tell SS how "proud" he was over something he was not informed about. I think part of the reason she did it was so that when DH didn't reply to her, she could say, "your dad doesn't care!" DH would always reach out to whatever SS and say something, but that was still the message they got, that he "didn't care" enough to go to whatever event he knew nothing about. In my case, SSs are mediocre at best and do nothing of consequence, but BM thinks they deserve praise for just existing.

Interestingly enough, MiL will also send DH messages telling him he should congratulate SIL (the family's special princess) on her accomplishments. She got a PhD a few years ago (in her 40s, she is a perpetual student, funded by MIL), at which point MIL directed all of us to send SIL a message telling her how proud we were. Due to covid, she just had her graduation ceremony this year. DH got a message from MiL demanding he tell SIL how proud he was of her...again. This is despite the fact that he regularly calls and texts SIL and rarely gets any reply. There is something weird about mothers demanding that others tell their children they are proud of them...

justmakingthebest's picture

My heart goes out to you. BM here wouldn't even have said that to DH.... They are all happy to just pretend he doesn't exist. 

CLove's picture

Since we are 50/50 Toxic Troll doesnt get to lock Husband out of things like that, and SD 16 B/M is pretty good about informing him and inviting him to things.

The medical part is where Toxic Troll BM "wins". She used to take SD23 Feral Forger to ER and all kinds of Drs for EVERYTHING possible. Feral Forger is still a pill popper mess. For things she definitely doesnt need. SD16 B/M hurt her finger, didnt tell Husband and went to a spine/joint DR for ex rays. And nothing was said to Husband. I heard about it in passing.

Thats great for SD in her accomplishments and thats sad for your DH that he doesnt get to participate in them, except as the "Funding Father".

StrawberryPie's picture

Yeah, the BM here PAS'd SD20 a few years ago. But BM still sends emails like you describe. It's daggers to my DH's heart every time. Awful people do awful things. 

I'm sorry you and your DH are going through it. It's so painful.