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SD has made wild accusations about me. In laws believe.

Your girl's picture

I dont know what to do.  I tried with my SD.  Her father met and married during pandemic.  She has 2 children she refuses to let him see.  All because I do not want to attend the grandchilds birthday party with his ex and her family and her girlfriend.  

I do not want my husbands ex mother in law and ex family in law having a love fest while I sit in the corner alone.   My family his new in laws are in Canada which he has not met.

I told him I would be willing to go to formal events with his ex their.  School graduations, the odd performance, weddings, etc. Then I assumed we would have the grandkids visit us too.

Spoiled daughter started getting angry, DH could not attend a cousins funeral because of Covid.  He attended but stayed outside.  That was not good enough.  I have three conplicating disorders, that I am now faking, she started telling her dad I was a gold digger; faking disability; and his life would be horrible with me.   She has accused me of everything.  When we got married the week after her first heavy accusations; she lost her shit.

She said she thought he would be single till he was 65.  These texts that were really vile went on for months. I was banned from seeing her new baby (his grandchild), and he still was trying to justify to her, my existence.   I finally had enough and told him I dont want to be talked about.  She said he would not see his grandchildren unless he got a divorce.

After 3 months he said: That I had done nothing to her and he would not go unless I was allowed.  Her mothers girlfriend was.

Now his extended family is getting involved.  Upset he cannot sit in a maskless room with 5 families, at Christmas and birthdays.And his mom and sister are blaming me.  They are getting his father involved.  He said they gave him the wrong story.

Everyone gossips, talks and is going with the narrative that I am trying to isolate him.  Its bullshit.  I have a diagnosed immune deficiency; arthritic immune disorder; chronic pneumonia.

I am thinking I have no choice but to disengage.  I have not been given a fair shot with this family and I am exhausted.

I have not seen my own family in 3 years.  They are upset, but understand.  They also would not get involved in my marraige trustng at 50 I know what I am doing.

I want to do right by this man.  He is wonderful; but does not see how he spoiled  the daughter.  I dont think she will ever compromise on the party.  But also wonder if she is capable of it.

My own daughter same age thinks what his daughter is doing to him is horrific.  I just want to disengage.  It depresses me thinking about it.

Need advice.


Thumper's picture

They sound like awful people. I would not go anywhere near them and put myself through that garbage. Your husband should NOT put up with it either. 

If he wants to attend all the family stuff,,,let him. Be sure to send a gift with both your names on it. OR a plate of  beautiful cookies/pastries. I LOVE you darling, have a wonderful time byeeeee.

Gage when you think he will be home and hand him his favorite cocktail --chances are he will need 1 or 2 Wink

(*trigger warning below, foul laungage may be offensive to some people*)

A long time ago, a popular TV show host Dr. Phil said "You can call me a son of a bitch as much as you want but you're going to do it long distance". 

Ma'am, you do not need permission from anyone to stay away from people like your husband's family. 

Welcome to Step talk. I hope you can see your family soon.








Exjuliemccoy's picture

You made the classic mistake so many of us did by failing to properly kick the tires and inspect this previously owned man. If you had taken the time to lift the hood, open the trunk and rummage through the glove box, you would have discovered how awful this man's daughter and extended family is.

Keep in mind that these people had troubled relationships BEFORE you came along, and would give the same grief to any woman he chose. To be fair, it also sounds as if your DH failed to lay the groundwork for you to join the family, and didn't properly share his wedding plans. Make no mistake - his is a family where the harpies rule the roost while the men bury their heads in the sand. Any change will be blamed on you, but one positive is you know exactly where you stand and no one is sucking up to you while playing both sides.

I think your best strategy is to let/make your DH continue to protect you while claiming a little victim status and remaining disengaged from these people. Let his new boundaries soak in a bit, and watch how various people behave. Hold you head high, keep a happy home, and don't engage in the drama.

Your girl's picture

To be fair:  My husband and I eloped.  Since my family is so far away.

And he has stuck up for me.  It took a few months and almost destroyed us, because I am cut and dried.  Its my life, I marry who I want and my children can respect him or dont come by.

I am just so tired of the drama.   I have no choice to isolate during the pandemic.  I am very tired and depressed by it all.

He did say he would not disrespect me by going without me like SD wanted.  But I find out more and more of what she said.  The bahavior is unacceptable.

She will not go to any family function if I go.  I got better for a while but I cannot handle the smile to your face.

Step-Libra's picture

To /exjuliemccoy, so true! Amen! It's a 50/50 shot at getting along with DH ex and his kids even if DH thinks he's filled you in. People respond so badly when someone steps out of their assigned family role. DH probably didn't even see this coming and he's probably disappointed in SD, if not completely embarrassed. 

tog redux's picture

Let him go see his family - but he has to quarantine for 10 days before he comes home to you, and take a COVID test.   

My DH is immunocompromised and I refuse to see my family members that won't get vaccinated, and gather as if COVID is like a cold. I'm not risking his life for their stupidity. They don't give me a hard time about it, but I wouldn't really care if they did. It would make me even more determined to stay away.  DH doesn't even see his son who won't get vaccinated. 

If your DH wants to keep you around, he can learn to set boundaries with his family.  Don't bother trying to get along with them. 

Your girl's picture

We quarantined for 3 days after a funeral.  But I would not have Christmas if that was the case.  Covid vaccines dont stop spread.  I just dont know why this is so hard for them.  A lot of misinformation by some is my guess.

tog redux's picture

I know they don't stop spread (though they do slow it considerably), and that's why we are only around a few vaccinated people, who we know take COVID seriously, and not in a room full of unmasked and some unvaxxed, people.

That's why I said to tell him he'd have to quarantine - because then he will have to decide what is more important, pleasing this bunch of vipers or being with you.

My family members believe the vaccine is dangerous, and COVID is just a simple virus, and yada yada

Your girl's picture

We quarantined for 3 days after a funeral.  But I would not have Christmas if that was the case.  Covid vaccines dont stop spread.  I just dont know why this is so hard for them.  A lot of misinformation by some is my guess.

Step-Libra's picture

If SD loves her dad, then she should be patient and understanding of his new life with a woman he loves and who makes him happy; whereas, before he was lonely. Does she want him to be lonely so he can serve her emotional needs? She's putting herself before him and his happiness, as if she were 3 years old. You are all adults and they need to behave better, especially if they love DH, which they say they do, or they wouldn't be making demands to see him. Everyone can get together after the pandemic. Don'cha just hate drama queens! They ruin everything!

Rags's picture

The behavioral stench perpetrated by the toxic is not the fault of the good.    Your DH sounds like a good partner to you as you are to him.  As a nearly life long sufferer of an auto immune disease, I get your challenges regarding your health and exposure to the unmasked teeming millions during a pandemic.  Not that I am particularly wary of it but.... as a vaccine group 1B patient, you do what you have to do to protect yourself. Your DH seems to have  your back.  And not that my condition is remotely as high a  risk as your conditions likely are.  

I find the group grope to get everyone together from half a dozen different clan spurs for a "family" event to be odd at best and LAME at worst. LAME being a brilliant acronym recently coined by a very innovative STalker.  LAME - Look At Me Everyone!

Your SD has all of the symptoms of LAME-ness. Her targeting of her dad and passive agressive shit towards  you is definately LAME behavior.  IMHO of course.

I would suggest that  you focus on your health, prepare for a trip as a couple home to see your family. Who in all likelihood will recognize that they need to be cognizant of your conditions.

Do not risk your health for the behaviorally odiferous brood that encircles your SD.