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Dealing with Stealing

Mumof8's picture

last night around 7:45 I come home with my BD's to a witch hunt.  SS11 has a missing penny from his science fair project and can't find it anywhere.  It is obvious someone stole it as the bag is out of his backpack and on the floor.  He immediately accuses my toddler, even though she has yet to see him after school and it just came home.  Even though a toddler would have taken out all the money in the bag, and left a mess.  When I point out to SS and DH that I haven't been home with any of my BD's yet and he was only with his siblings, he suddenly realized it was his younger brother and starts trying to attack him.  Always fun when the kids that try to kill each other come home.  DH sits little smirking 8 year old SS down and he sits in time out refusing to cooperate and give back the money.  It finally ended at around 8:50.  They went to bed, and I sat up angry for a few hours because I have watched these skids steak for 6 years!!!  They have stolen from me, stolen from stores, stolen from their best friends, and then lost their best friends, stolen from their "single" Mom, and from their sisters and grandparents.  I have taken them back to stores, taken them back to friends, tKe. Them to religious leaders, taken them to counselors, BUT BM encourages them to do it, AND doesn't make them suffer consequences.  When she emailed and asked if I gave SA11 $10, and I said "No, but his sister had $10 stolen from her, can you please send him out with it, she decided to trust him and the fact that he found it on the "street" so she let him keep and spend it.  When I made him return a BB gun he stole from his friend and suffer the consequences of his actions, I was being unkind because I should have made excuses for him.  Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of moral issue?  She has gotten expensive jewelry from them before and not looked for a source but then I guess I tend to think she benefits from this and maybe taught the behavior.  Well, last night after the kids went to bed we went downstairs and discovered their sisters necklace (sterling silver with sapphires) and get this my China, stuffed in their backpacks.  They are taking all of their clothes out of our house, my private mail, my writings, their toys and their sisters toys, and now MY DISHES out of my home to their BM's.  It's not like she's broke, she made 60,000 from one six month marriage.  She lives with her Mom and stepdad.  She makes $4000 per month (more if you count money she gets for being a "single" Mom and from her Dad and all her boyfriends.  They have even bought her cars.  She is WAY ahead of us financially, and we do all the childcare and driving.  We feed them every meal, and more.  She has worked it so she has very little responsibility and still most of the say.  It is a crap situation however you look at it.  Ideas?  Solutions?  Hope?


dysfunctionally_blended's picture

How does your DH handle this?

For me - these kids would not be allowed to have a bag in my house. And I would check their pockets before they left.

I would also discuss my boundaries. If their parents cannot get ahold of their stealing in such a such amount of time they would no longer be invited into my house. They can seek therapy, they can enact rules and punishments. Whatever it takes. But if they do nothing then nothing it is, only not around me.

In the meantime lock up your stuff! 

notsobradybunch's picture

SD18 did this for years. We were all under one roof when my bios were 10 & 11. SD was 11 or maybe 10 1/2. SD constantly helped herself to BD things and mine. Even when she ranaway at 17 and we cleaned out her room, BD18 found many items, jewlery, rings, etc...It never ends.

Siemprematahari's picture

I can't imagine living with people or even kids that steal from my home.I'm grateful that I've never had to deal with that but something tells me I'd lose my mind and never want them in my house. There's a reason why they are stealing and that needs to be addressed ASAP.

Sorry that you are going through this but something has to give.

tog redux's picture

Yep, bag and pocket search before they leave. Is your DH concerned about this? Or just you?

Also, was this chaos really started by someone stealing a PENNY?

Mumof8's picture

The penny was my SS11 science project.  He took 5 pennies and applied different solutions to see what happened to the metal and dirt.  I.e what cleaned the metal the best.  The one taken sat in bleach for over 26 and a half hours.  His brother knew it would stress him out and hurt him.  The stealing from my kids has been closer to 50 dollars of birthday and chore money and then 100 dollars from my wallet, and many MANY personal items.  My DH is concerned, but has no clue what to do and to be honest since behaviors have escalated with HIS kids, he has been checking out to work at our business more and more.  He works 24 hours and stays at the shop on nights we have his kids.  He offers them to their Mom, but she doesn't want the nightmare she created either, so guess who they get dumped on?  That's right, I care more about my skids than either of their biologicals or Either set of Grandparents.

Mumof8's picture

Yes, I agree, but they have snuck Clothing out under other clothing.  They have taken things on the days they go to their Moms.  The way it works is that every day after school they come to our house, then I drive them to their Mothers and grandparents home (because she lives at home the days she has them and at her whatever boyfriend she has at the moments on the days she doesn't).   They always come up with a reason for having to come into the house last minute and I have a baby and a toddler to try to get ready and in the car because I am always home alone when this goes on.  I can't strip search them.  They are old enough that that would be completely inappropriate.  I did get rid of the lock on SS11's bedroom door, but he still whines to Daddy about it.  This just stinks all the way around.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

is you can't care more than the parents (or grandparents.) You need to insist that DH comes home on the nights his kids are there. It is not right that the more his kids misbehave the more he expects you to watch them! He contributed to this mess, he needs to deal with it. If someone really needs to be at the business, can you go in when skids are at the house?

You may not be able to strip search the kids, but they can take off their coats and you can search all of their pockets - or make them turn them inside out.


Ispofacto's picture

Killjoy14 is a compulsive thief, but oddly only steals from me and GMA, the women BM hates the most.  IMO, it is an expression of her displaced anger, a way to even the score when she feels slighted, which is always.  IMO, Killjoy14 is really angry at ther mom, starting from way before I came into the picture, but takes it out on me, and her mom encourages and amplifies it.  I found an interesting article on childhood anger that seems to support my opinion:

I keep my bedroom and office doors locked, and the guest room door locked.  I leave my purse locked in my car, and the keys in my room.  Killjoy has been in therapy since she was six, but just blows smoke up the therapist's arse.  She refuses to work on her many issues.

DH has full custody of Killjoy.  I hate living like this.  I told DH that the day she graduates HS, she can go back to her sainted BM. 


Mumof8's picture

Four years is both an eternity and blink of an eye in Stepparent years.  My heart goes out to you!