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Looking to just share my horror story and get some empathy

Dinaj1312's picture

Ive been married for 7 years, both second marriage.  We dated for 5-6 years before marrying I have NO children.  My husband has two. A son who is 21 and is slightly asburger and a daughter 32 and she married with two kids.  I hate his kids.  I tried for years to make a relationship but his ex wife (who never remarried no ever even dated after divorce that’s how insane she is) manipulated them so bad and still does.  All the manipulation has been used on my husband so he feels sorry for his loser kids.  His son lives with his mother.  She has never worked and her elderly (very wealthy) mother pays her bills.  She got Alimony for 5 years after the divorce which my husband was still paying when we married.  We had him every other day until he was 17, then every other weekend and two nights a week.  It was alot and his behavior got so bad I left when he came over and stayed with my parents.  My husband did nothing! So his loser son will not work and takes a few classes at a community college.  Otherwise he does nothing!  He tells his father the divorce has caused him lots of issues (all BS). The daughter is 32, married and has two daughters. She also has never worked and her father, my husband paid her living expenses until a year after she got married (or so I thought).  Her husband has a lame job and his father is a multi millionaire.  He doesn’t support his son and thinks it’s his responsibility to take care of his family.  I tried to get along with the daughter but she’s a piece of work and is so fake and phony.  Quick synopsis of what she’s done over past 7 years.  Calls her father 24/7with made up drama I.e. illnesses, issues with her mother, issues with her husband and kids.  All made up so she could invade our time together.  And my husband has never put up boundaries and allows her intrusions.  So every vacation ruined by her!  She is a true manipulator and my husband thinks she is so wonderful.  I am currently not speaking to her and really want nothing to do with her.  Recently I was staying in FL with my Mom who was diagnosed with cancer.  I quite my job prior and have a masters degree and have made 6 figures every year so we are doing well financially.  During my time away I uncovered that my husband was giving his daughter two checks a month for the entire time we’ve been married.  It was up to $1100 a month!  So he essentially paid her to not work!  He fought so hard to not pay life time allimony only to give it to his daughter.  So the amount of money I was depositing in our joint account was going to her!   I confronted him and basically said I would seek a divorce if he didn’t stop.  So now I monitor the bank account and credit cards monthly.  Now he could have a secret account or credit card I don’t know about to keep paying her but claims it stopped when I found out.  I don’t get it.   It’s so wrong on so many levels.  He keeps trying to get me to see her and her kids and it causes major arguments.  He recently was diagnosed with prostate cancer (curable) and tries to use that as a way to manipulate me to see her.  I can’t be around her.  That loser!  Getting her father to essentially take from our retirement to support her lazy ass.  Are you kidding me.  I just may punch her in her stupid manipulative face!  There is so much more to share but I just don’t know how I can stay in the marriage after this.  It consumes me all day and now he sneaks around and has lunch with her once a week!

Btw - neither one of his kids has ever done anything to help him or us with anything!  We moved and got zero help.  They are both takers and live with an entitlement mentality.  I mean his daughter was getting a paycheck and you think she’d do something for it like help us pack.   NOTHING!  My family helps us all the time.

I love my husband but I just can’t take this any more.  I’m so miserable.  

Comments welcome.....


Siemprematahari's picture

You need to disengage from SD now. Also, you should get a separate account and the joint one have it strictly to pay the mortgage, bills, etc. From the looks of your marriage your H has kept and omitted a lot from you. Its like he has a mistress and doesn't know how to leave her alone. This will not change unless he's willing to change and from the looks of it, it doesn't look like he does.

You said " And my husband has never put up boundaries and allows her intrusions."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ this statement here is everything. Its because of this very behavior that your SD does what she does and feels she can get away with it and has the self entitlement attitude. So if you're going to be upset with anyone, direct it to your H because he's enabling this toxic behavior. I would reconsider the marriage and do some soul searching to see if this is something you are willing to deal with for the rest of your days with him.


Dinaj1312's picture

Thank you. You got it right she act like his wife so mistress fits!  And I’m sure there is more he’s kept from me.  Their relationship is not normal.  And my feelings for him are strained and you’re right I believe this will go on for the rest of our lives.  He is an enabler in so many ways.  And she is very toxic.  I have not spoken to her in over a year and have no plans on changing that.  I’ve been soul searching and don’t know what to do.  He won’t change but doesn’t want a divorce.  

ndc's picture

"He won't change but doesn't want a divorce."  He may not be able to have it both ways.  Men can be so stupid about their daughters sometimes

notasm3's picture

I have a horrible grown SS that I have banned from my life. My DH has huge enabler tendencies. What works for me is that SS is really eliminated from my life. I do not think I’ve said his name in a year and a half. If DH mentions his name I try to just let it go but I know in reality I have a look on my face of someone who is about to barf. 



CLove's picture

You have become the "Husband Police", because you have found him sneaking around behind your back with things that are very important to you, which he knows are important to you. 7 years is a VERY long time to hide something that important from someone. You now feel like you cannot trust him, and trust is the foundation for any marriage. To put things into perspective (not to delve too much into your finances...), but to extrapolate for you, you have basically had $92,400 taken from you, that you had to earn, and be taxed on. She has basically been given almost a 100k, not taxable income. Wow! That alone would be grounds for divorce. But, perhaps smoopsie needed it for something like .... I dont know - what? Not to pry, but WHAT was his reasoning behind this? What did she use it for? Did she use it for grandkids? For bills because the electricity was going to be shut off? Its no wonder the millionaire father of the groom doesnt shell out the cash to support his deadbeat son - hes the smart one - thats why hes rich. Too bad he didnt invest his considerable cash raising an independant productive member of society. 

Sorry if I seem harsh. I just heard some news last night that really got me riled up. So, um, why didnt smoopsie SD get child support from her chidlrens father? Was he a deadbeat? Is that why daddy cakes had to swoop in and rescue his precious snowflake?

If you think you want to make this work - counseling with your husband is in order. To help him learn how to set boundaries and make you his wife. Because you are not the wife in this marriage, his daughter is the wife and YOU are the mistress, only instead of cake you provide money, so he can continue to support his real wife, SD.

The SS is not much better, but hopefully you and your husband are not continuing to pay child support. In many states, if the child is living with mother full time and going to college, the father is still on the hook, until around 24. 

Lastly, I am so sorry you are going through this, and prayers to your mother.


Dinaj1312's picture

the SD is still married and her deadbeat has a job that doesn’t pay well.  He btw has two degrees.  And to boot his mother died several years ago and they got over $90k! And still she managed to manipulate my husband out of $1k month. Her manipulation skills are off the charts and since she had kids she’s been able to get whatever she wants from my husband.  She parades them around to him and sends him photos/videos all day and night.  She said they needed the money to pay their bills....all lies and manipulatation.  Over the last 5 years they have remodeled their living room 3 times bought two new cars.  We pay their cell phone bill still!  You tell me how they needed that money for bills and if he really cut her off how are they living?  Either because they didn’t need it or somehow he’s still shelling out and it’s a way I can’t uncover.  

We tried counseling years ago and he just argued with the doctor and then said he’d never do it again. He wasn’t happy the doctor told him I’m right and he’s wrong.  Things were fine with the SD however she was buttering me up because she was getting paid!   Why didn’t I ever look into it before I knew something was up!  

And the SS is still a problem.  He won’t work, he won’t get a license, he wants money and he will milk school as long as he can.  

I’m not working right now so he thinks he’s got me over a barrel but I’m never going to have anything to do with the SD or SS again.  He needs to give up trying to make me.

I just wish things would change with him, I wish he’d wake up but I have no faith in that. He likes to make it all that I’m the bad guy.  Don’t know why he wants to stay married.  He can go live with them and let them suck the life and money out of him.  Why stay with me knowing I’m done with his kids.   

Dinaj1312's picture

forgot to mention the SD is identical to her mother.  Whom he divorced because he couldn’t stand her yet he thinks the sun rises and sets on the daughter?  If you didn’t know better you’d think they were twins they are both selfish, self centered, manipulative, drama queens, crazy, etc.... no wonder the SD and her mother don’t get along.  They try to suck the life out of one another.  

Sparewheel35's picture

So sad... you’ve been betrayed by your H and as long as the SD is alive he’s going to cater to her RUN

MissTexas's picture

Not necessarily the money side of things, (which is awful, by the way). I would not work anymore because you are contributing to her lifestyle, and in a sense a partial enabler (inadvertently). If he can support the SD and pay her phone bill, then he can do the same for his wife!

Sending positive thoughts/vibes and prayers to you and to your mother!

It seems most DH's slip around behind the wife's back with the SD, which makes it feel all the more covert and convaluted . Because of this it puts us on the defense, and feeling like the outsider. I know DH's CAN change, but it is very rare. Often DH's have been in a cyclical marriage/divorce pattern. The reason being, they never make the necessary corrections to the new relationship. It's like a merry-go-round. One gets off, another climbs on. Only the faces change, but the circumstances do not, largely because DH's are in denial about their dysfunctionality dynamic with the SD's.

Sadly, DH's worship these SD's no matter if they are deserving or not. As our counselor told us, life long, decades long patterns rarely change. If DH's would only realize thier role as parent is done when these "kids" reac adulthood, and if they'd put as much effort into their wives and marriages, how AMAZIING their lives would be.

(((Hugs To You)))