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Struggles with youngest stepdaughter

StrugglingBlendedMama's picture

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. I have known him for almost 5 years. He was an amzing single dad and has done great taking care of his two girls on his own. We have hung out with the kids a few times when we first got together and I knew right away the youngest was going to be the issue. 

 She is am extreme daddies girl and can do no wrong in his eyes. Things always got semi-bumpy when the 7SD would act like a brat when I was around. She would bully my 8 yr old daughter and just say awful rude things to her at times. SHe would throw fits and try to say that she won't get out of her dad bed because I was staying over. She acted like a complete and total ass and would be extrememly disrespectful to me for the first few months of our relationship. 

She has gotten drastically better since those days, but she still tells her father and I's business to everyone. She runs her mouth and starts drama between everyone in the house when she gets bored. Her dad automatically takes her side as well, and then acts like I'm always the bad guy. We talk it over and things get a bit better, but the one sure fix if he would say something to the kid. She is only 7 and it's not all the time, but it happened so much at first that I believe the bridge has been burnt. I can't get past this grudge or feeling of ill-will towards the girl. 

She always over-dramatizes everything that I say or do. In example, I asked her to step out of her father and my room so I can change clothes. She calls her dad and tells him that I told her to "get out" rudely. My daughter struggles a bit with reading and when they were playing school, she made a remark about my kid being slow. Joe and I were telling the kids that we didn't have any extra money to buy school clothes until this weekend and she tells her nana that we are completely broke. She will lie on her sisters to get both of them in trouble. 

We normally can get past her antics and things will be great, but here lately I don't even care if we are okay. I just am completely over her as a person. I don't think I can see past it. I just am so beyond annoyed with her and I do not care to even try with her anymore. I really just do not care for her in any way. I do not wish any ill-will and I am so over feeling this way.

It sucks because I am pregnant with a boy, which my boyfriend and I have always wanted, but I am just don't want him to turn out like her and I really don't even want her around him. I don't regret being pregnant, but I hate that she will be his sister. I just wish she would move in with her mom. 


Winterglow's picture

So why doesn't your bf actually parent this brat? If she's such a pain, it's because her parents have allowed her to be. 

SMto3's picture

You need to set boundaries with her immediately. If you don't want her in your bed or room you have to discuss it with your boyfriend first and make sure that not only you but he also gets on the same page about it so that you can consistently set the boundaries together. 
Once she starts to get that the same message will be given to her by her father too, the behavior should stop if you both immediately and consistently address it. 
What Winterglow is saying is also accurate. If her father gives her a different message or even entertains that you treat her badly to her, she will keep on complaining to him. 
Try not to give it too much energy because she is only 7, but in my experience I have learned that poor parenting results in children behaving poorly. Your boyfriend has to have consistent boundaries and the same message as you or she will be resentful that the only one being consistent is you. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Your problem is your SO. Your anger is misplaced - it should be directed at him, not your SD. The fact that he would side with a 7 year old over you speaks volumes as to where you stand in the family dynamic. He needs to start parenting his daughter and he needs to back you up.

Steppedonnomore's picture

"He was an amazing single dad"  " She is am extreme daddies girl and can do no wrong in his eyes." "Her dad automatically takes her side as well, and then acts like I'm always the bad guy.'

Would you call him an amazing life partner to you?

superlado's picture

And boundaries.   You've got some time ( not sure how far along you are/ congrats btw) to try to nip this. 
you haven't replied at all but have you brought this to bf's attention that after your chats it all goes back to the same? That you will not accept to be disrespected by his child and that bullying and lying are serious and should not be tolerated.    and what does he say? What are her consequence for lying ? When she's rude to your daughter what does dad do ?

Being over a 7 year old child is really harsh.  This is what a first grader.  She needs help to develop properly.  Her parents are to blame.  You and this child have a tense relationship; she senses it ; and seems to be messing with you more as she's getting a reaction .   This is absolutely not ok and a horrible way to get attention that needs to be stopped but I hope you are being calm and adult like with all your interactions with this child. ?

Her dad better start with correcting behaviors and dishing out consequences.  You don't want him parenting your shared child like this, pinning him against you as bad cop.  

Maybe buy him a parenting book and calmly explain why he needs it.  I'm a very confrontational person but I get things done.