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Why won't he just parent his kids!!!!!!!

Frustrated future SM's picture

I'm a 26 year old first time mom of a 4 month old baby girl. Dating a guy, 28, with 2 kids of his own from a previous relationship, BS8 and BD4. And the 4 month old is our daughter together. We aren't married yet and I honestly dont know if I'd ever marry him at this point because his kids drive me bonkers!

Prior to the birth of our child I was in an on again-off again relationship with this guy for a couple years. When I finally decided I was done with him and wanted to leave the relationship for good, I find out I'm pregnant (go figure). I actually didn't even know I was pregnant for a while. Didn't find out until I was 6 months, so we weren't together at all during my pregnancy. What hurts is that I told him right away when I found out and he was super excited about our baby. After a few days passes he decides it's better for me to give the baby up for adoption and I refused. After spending a month apart he came around and decided he wanted to be in our child's life and he wanted to make it work with me and he did everything he could to prove that he would treat me better and would earn back my trust and since we've been back together he really has been on the straight and narrow.

It's now been 6 months since we've been back together. We have not moved in together yet. We would've by now if his kids weren't so awful. I refused to live with him because I just can't deal with them. Yes, I knew he had kids when we met and I got along fine with them then, but after having my own child I began to pickup on all of the behavior problems his kids have and these were things I never noticed before. Now that I have my own child I realized that's I absolutely do not want our child to grow up and be anything like his kids.

He's the exact definition of a Disney dad. Let's his kids do whatever they want. Allows them to make decisions. They throw tantrums and he sits back and does nothing. He lets them eat junk food all day. If they do something wrong they never have consequences. He indulges them constantly. They never have to earn anything because everything is just handed to them. They are ungrateful, entitled, rude, no manners, disrespectful, just awful kids! Dad just caters to their every need like he's their maid. They don't do anything themselves. They make a mess by leaving trash all over the place and never cleanup after themselves, which they are both old enough to know how to do. I no longer enjoy being around them and am trying to figure out how I'm going to limit my daughter's exposure to them as she grows up so she does not pickup their terrible behaviors.

I feel like there's hope for me to bond with his daughter and build a good relationship with her, but I'm worried that as she grows up things will change. She looks and acts exactly like her BM and as she grows up I expect her behavior to get worse. However, she loves having a baby sister and she loves to  be near me (mom spends no time with her) so I could be that mother figure she needs and maybe I could influence her so her behavior becomes a lot better and she grows up to be mature and respectful. His son is a different story. I no longer have an interest in bonding with him because I have 0 in common with him. All he wants to do is play video games 24/7 or watch YouTube videos, he has no other interests. He constantly has some type of screen in his face. If he's not playing his PS4 he's on an iPad or his Nintendo switch. He's never around when I come over and I'm nothing but nice to him. I feel bad that he isolates himself but I dont know what we can do about that. I don't want him to grow up and be resentful when he sees pictures of the four of us together (boyfriend, BD, FSD, and myself) and he's not in any of them. My boyfriend gets his kids EOW and every Sunday and every Tuesday. His BM is not too bad... for now anyway. She hasn't given us any problems yet which is great for us, but I assume if we ever actually move in together, get married and I start spending a lot more time around her kids she may try to become more controlling. She has her own man right now and everyone is surprised he hasn't proposed to her yet, but I know if he leaves her she'll probably try to take her anger out on us, especially since she always thought she'd have my man to fall back on (she cried when my boyfriend told her I was pregnant) but she won't have anyone, so hopefully this guy stays with her.

Their dad and his BM don't parent or discipline these kids in any way because they are in competition with each other. Sadly they are both competing to be the favorite parent. They both try to hard to be friends to these kids instead of actual parents and it's sad. I don't know what to do because I care about my boyfriend and I know that him, I, and our daughter could be an amazing family, which is why I don't want to leave him, but his kids will always be around ruining things, which makes me feel like I should run especially since we're not married yet so I'm free to leave anytime, but my daughter deserves to have a two parent household and we deserve to be happy together as a couple. It's a difficult situation. I don't know if I should stay and hope my boyfriend sees the error of his ways and starts being an actual parent to his kids or If I just leave now while our baby's young so she has no memory of us being together.

Comments

ndc's picture

As you know, he's a package deal, and his kids aren't anywhere close to adulthood.  If he and BM are competing to see who can be the favorite parent, I don't see his parenting improving.  I also don't see you being happy together as a couple unless he starts to properly parent his kids, and even if he does, you'll still have the BM influence if she doesn't.  And if her boyfriend leaves and she starts trying to interfere in your relationship with your BF, things could get really miserable.  

If you decide to leave, what do you think your BF's expectations of custody will be?  

Frustrated future SM's picture

I Know you're right. I'm just seriously holding out hope that he'll be an actual parent to his kids, especially if he sees how I parent our daughter. I've explained to him a couple of times why it's important to me that he parents his children and our last conversation ended with him agreeing to do better. I'm just hoping he takes it seriously and follows through and he's not just all talk.

If I left he would want to try to coparent and I'd want that too. I'd rather not limit him to only seeing her EOW. However, his kids would make me want to avoid giving her to him whenever they're around. I wouldn't want her to never see her half siblings, but I'd definitely want her time with them to be as limited as possible, like maybe only spending a few hours together when he has them on a Saturday or something, but I know he'd fight me on that and would want her to be around his kids as much as possible.

Alien's picture

Sorry, after I read “he wanted to give the baby for adoption” I stopped reading. Your boyfriend is dead to me haha 

i mean I wouldn’t recover from such suggestion. 

He has two kids and mine is not freaking important enough to raise her. F him.

Frustrated future SM's picture

LMAO! He should've been dead to me too after saying that, but I fell for the "let's make it work, blah blah blah, she deserves a two parent household, blah blah blah" and really it was code for "if I knowingly allow you to raise her completely alone I'll feel like a piece of shit & a deadbeat dad." 

You're exactly right! And I did say to him that it was ridiculous to want to give my baby away just so he could continue spending all his money and time on his kids and act like mine never existed. And he actually thought I was gonna still be in a relationship with him if we were to have given her up for adoption. I told him if I give her up for adoption, I'm gonna resent you for the rest of my life.

SteppedOut's picture

After that comment I could never continue a relationship and I would resent the hell out of him. That would have been it. Done.

 

Frustrated future SM's picture

I do feel dumb for trying to be in a relationship with him after that, especially because he was so serious about it that he reached out to an adoption agency behind my back and had them contacting me. Even after I told him multiple times I wasn't giving my baby away!!!!!!! Even after he came to MY HOUSE and tried to convince MY FAMILY to convince me to give my baby away and they told me to keep my baby! 

I seriously hope for his sake this situation never gets mentioned to our daughter when she's older, whether accidentally or on purpose.

tog redux's picture

You guys don't have a strong foundation of love and trust, and his kids drive you crazy. They are only going to get worse as they get older, and your daughter is close enough to their age that she will notice that she has different rules than they do (when you are around).

Trying to make it work just because you share a child seems like a recipe for disaster.  Maybe he won't want much time with her if you split up.

Frustrated future SM's picture

All I keep reading on this site is that the skids never get better, just worse as they get older. Ugghh! I know it's true and I need to run but the problem is, not only is he now attached to our baby, so is his daughter. 

I definitely don't want my daughter to resent me for trying to be an actual parent to her because I know her father will treat her exactly the same as his kids and I know she'll be upset and confused if I'm the only one giving her chores and enforcing rules, but I CANNNTTT have her be like them. I'll go crazy and start to dislike my own child and I REFUSE to let that happen.

He'll still want a lot of time with her if we split because he will want all his kids to have equal time with him and he'll want her to spend alot of time with his kids so they can bond. His dream is for all of his kids to be best friends and be super close.

Step-girlfriend's picture

Oh man. You feel this way about his kids and you don’t even live together yet. It really does not get better, trust me. My SO’s kids are great. They’re good kids, I got lucky. He does Disney dad them quite a bit, which is frustrating. The resentment about it has built over time- We’ve lived together for 2-1/2yrs and there are days I feel like I can’t take it. The dynamic of step-kids is really hard, and even harder when you live together and are in it constantly. 

Take the baby out of the equation- is this the guy for you? Would you be together if there were no baby? Step-life is hard enough when you are there because of real love, because you just don’t want to live without him...but if a big part of being with him is a baby, I honestly don’t see how you could ever make it. I would think really hard about if you love him enough to deal with this every day for the rest of your life. 

As for SS and video games/screens...I feel your pain. I’m in the same exact situation with SS12 (he was 9 when my SO and I started dating). All he does is play video games or watch YouTube. He can barely make it through a movie without going back to his room to play. He claims to be such a huge NBA fan. But when we’re watching the game he makes it through 15 mins before going to his room to play video games. I used to worry and tell my SO he should put more limits so he comes and hangs with us, blah blah blah. My SO refused, so I finally gave up. Years later, I selfishly just want him to be in his room so he’s not clinging to my SO or being annoying (they’re good kids, but still annoying). 

I can tell you that if it weren’t for really loving my SO and having a hard time going back to life without him, I would be gone. I wouldn’t stay for any other reason except that I want to be with him. 

Frustrated future SM's picture

You're lucky! It makes sense that you stay because you're in love with this man which makes it worth putting up with the nonsense, but I can't say I'm in love with my boyfriend. Like I care about him, and there are awesome moments that make me feel love for him, but I can't say I'm deeply in love with him. It has a lot to do with his past treatment of me and even his current treatment of me sometimes. If it weren't for this baby, nope we would not be together.

Oh gosh! The only thing I appreciate about him playing video games is that it keeps him in his room so he's not around us being super annoying.

Want2's picture

You’ve set yourself up to the potential of becoming BM if you don’t stay with him. How will it be if you cut him loose and he brings another SM into the picture?

Monkeysee's picture

Are you suggesting she stay with him despite being unhappy just so she doesn’t have to deal with a SM for her DD? What a crock of BS.

Taylormom2's picture

 

I am so damn tickled!! I have never heard of Disney dad but it sounds like my so!! Just be the damn parent already. It’s such a turn off seeing a man cower down to a friggin kid. So stupid! 

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Lucky you haven’t moved in together though or else you’d really be doomed!!!

Frustrated future SM's picture

It's the biggest sex killer everrrr!!!! Like I never want to be intimate in any way after seeing him bow down to his kids and rush around doing everything for them like a servant. HUGE turnoff! And they're so rude and unappreciative of everything he does. It drives me crazy.

Thank you! I don't want to put myself in a position where I move in, can't deal with being there, then end up wanting to leave but have nowhere to go. It's hard to find an affordable apartment where I live and I wouldn't want to move in with family, so I'd rather remain where I'm at and hopefully he'll just manup and stop letting his kids run him.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I think when he suggested you give your baby up for adoption he was admitting that he wasn't a good father to you.

I don't think things will ever change.

 

Frustrated future SM's picture

Wow! I never thought about that. You're right. I love my baby so I know I did the right thing by keeping her, but I wish I kept her a secret from him and just raised her alone. That's basically what I've been doing anyway. He helps out here and there but he could do waaaaaay more. And at least I wouldn't have the added stress of worrying about his kids influence on her.

Harry's picture

If he try’s to parent his kids, They will go with the fun parent BM and he will lose his kids.  You are in a no win with him 

beebeel's picture

Babies aren't glue that keep people together. You can't take a stressful, dysfunctional situation, plop a baby in the middle of it, and expect the infant to magically fix all of the problems. 

If your relationship wasnt working before you had a baby, it won't miraculously start working after the baby arrived. 

If you want a happy little family, find a man who wants that with you and plan a family. 

Frustrated future SM's picture

I've mentioned to him when we have arguments that maybe this isn't right and we should separate and see other people, but he gets Sooooo upset and just tells me how hard he is trying to make things work and how badly he wants to be with me. He guilts me into staying and I don't know why I keep falling for it. Could be because he doesn't want to end up in another EOW situation and have to pay CS to me too, or maybe he genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We really shouldn't be trying to use our baby as glue because honestly we're really not right for each other. I see that more and more everyday. I feel so bad my DD was born into this crap situation. Everything happens for a reason though.