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Invitations to skid events

Frustrated future SM's picture

Should you be invited to all skid related events (sporting events, school plays, etc), even if you're not married? 

I'm not sure if I should be upset that I wasn't invited to a play that my boyfriend's kid is in or if it shouldn't matter because we're not married so it's not like I'm obligated to go to these things. We are trying to be a family though and obviously if that's the case then our daughter and I should probably have gone. Weird thing is at first i didn't care that I wasn't invited, but I feel like I should care. I can't say that next time I won't care, but this time it wasn't something I wanted to attend. Do you guys attend all skid events, married or not?


shamds's picture

we have 2 toddlers together. So far skids have been so alienated by bio mum that sd23 when she graduated never invited her dad. She invited her mum and current husband (the one she cheated on whilst still married to hubby), hubby helped put this girl through university and gave her a monthly allowance

bio mum alienated sd and her husband tossed skids to the side but they still feel compelled to invite them

only ss20 lives with us when not at university and i doubt he’d invite his mum since he’s limited to 2 invites and hubby had sole custody of him in the divorce

i personally won’t go to any of skids milestones. The emotional abuse, disrespect and hell i and our kids suffered from them since marrying hubby is irreversible and hubby knows i want no relationship with skids. They are his relationship to manage

ndc's picture

I'm not married yet, and so far I've been invited to all skid events.  By way of background, BM and SO have 50/50 and they for the most part get along well and cooperate with each other.  I think the relationship between the BM and the father's household probably has more of an impact here than marital status.

Wilhelm's picture

I attended and was invited to skids events while they were young and I lived with DH. Once we married neither I nor DH were invited to any skid events, this included graduation etc.

Upcoming wedding soon so will be interesting to see whether BMs influence still holds. They will have to invite me if they want DH to go as I am now his carer. BM is so rude as are her friends so it would be very uncomfortable. I can not imagine what BM has said about us to her friends as I have never had people be rude to me like her friends are.

so a case of dammed if you go and dammed if you don’t.

personally I find it incredibly rude to treat the father of your children and their partner like must send a dreadful message and example to the children.

Frustrated future SM's picture

That is awful! I'd never go to skid events if I had to deal with BM AND her friends being jerks. He's invited me trick or treating and to his son's basketball game once when we were dating before our daughter was born, and BM acted out (of course). It's not as bad when it's just her alone, although her trashy sister is sometimes there to cause problems too. so I'm thinking he didn't want to make a big deal out of the play and didn't feel like he needed to invite me. I wonder sometimes what BM says about me to her family and friends, then I stop caring because they're all trashy (and I've been told racist too).

People don't realize or care about he poor examples they set for their children. It's sad and pathetic. One of the reasons why I know I need to limit my DD's exposure to his kids.

elkclan's picture

I'm not married yet, but they live 2.5 hours away and attend school there. So I haven't attended any school plays. I have attended one community play OSS was in - it was left up to me whether to go or not, but I was clear to me I should go. My BS who is a year younget than OSS really wanted to go. It was awful, awful, awful, be thankful you weren't invited. I've been to a lot of school plays for my BS, I've only been to one good one. 

It's on your boyfriend to invite you or not. If you feel that you should go to these things then talk to him. He may have been trying to spare you from boredom or worse. Or if BM has bad behaviour he may have been trying to spare you and your child from an emotional display. But if that's the case, he should have told you. 

Frustrated future SM's picture

I was thankful I wasn't invited, then I started thinking maybe I should've been there. My assumption was the boredom thing because he didn't seem like he even wanted to go. BM definitely behaves immaturely, so you're probably right that he didn't want me to be around her and, I'm assuming, her family.

Harry's picture

Spend time with your SO before and after the boring event.  School can only be love by bio parents. You go to the bad play and go out to dinner after ect. Or better yet a good drink 

tog redux's picture

What do you mean by "invited"?  Are you saying your SO doesn't ask you to attend?

Yes, I attended that stuff before we got married.

twoviewpoints's picture

That is what I wondered when I read this last evening also.

This is the guy who sent OP and the baby home on both Christmas and New Year's.

And being BM of the youngest skids lived with OP and BF last summer, I can't imagine the lack of invite has anything with BM forbidding OP. Mentioning who didn't invite her and/or didn't want her to attend would be perhaps more specific advice.

Frustrated future SM's picture

Yes. He said "I have to go to my son's play tonight" but didn't ask if I'd like to attend with him.

STaround's picture

First, I thought you said  you had a baby with SO, that to me makes you a family even if not married.

Are there sufficent tickets to these events for both parents and siblings?  

If the baby starts making a noise, will you immediately take baby out?  If baby needs changing, will you do it discretely?   If event not appropriate for baby, either get a sitter or dad should get to go, his kid. 

Your earlier post indicated some frustration with your SS, if he has picked up on that, I can see that he will not want you at his events.  

Frustrated future SM's picture

We do have a child together, so you're right that does make us a family.

It's elementary school so tickets aren't needed. Parents just show up.

My frustration is with him not wanting to do bonding activities with the rest of us, but going to something to show support is different.

beebeel's picture

I never waited for an invitation to go to school events. They are open to the public. I never would have brought my infant to a play, however. 

Chmmy's picture

I wish I didnt have to go to skid events. Im off during the day so I get stuck going to things when DH cant.

As much as the skids irritate me, I feel sorry for them since their mom dumped them & their stuff on the street. They have to feel like someone cares.

Frustrated future SM's picture

You're such a good person for doing that! I can't imagine how they must feel. Yeah it's nice that you care enough to do that even though you'd rather be doing other things.

Thumper's picture

IF your boyfriend went and did not ask you to go---thats rotten.

IF you think BM should invite you --dont.

IF you think child should ask you---dont.

You know you can go where ever you want, right? IF you want to see a play--go. The entire view might be very be prepared for what you see IF you just show up.


Frustrated future SM's picture

They'd be fine. She loves seeing and experiencing new things. The play, maybe not since she's a screamer, but the screaming would be perfect for sports or other events where we can be loud.

Frustrated future SM's picture

I'd NEVER expect BM to invite me. I'm sure she'd rather me never be in attendance at events. And be reminded that any chance she may have had to be a family with BF again is over due to me and our DD, I don't think so!

I may invite myself next time just to see what happens!

hereiam's picture

I think that you will find that trying to be a couple and a family just because you have a baby together, is not going to work in the end. If you were not making it before, having a baby is not going to make it work, now.

Your BF didn't even ask if you would like to attend with him. That is not how being a family works.

You are not in love with him and don't live with him, correct? I guess I don't see why you are staying in this "relationship" with him. Asking whether you should be invited to his son's play is not the question you should be asking.

Frustrated future SM's picture

You're right. I realized that. I'm feeling better about him and us, still wouldn't say I love him but I care enough to try and he cares enough to try. If he just kept ignoring my needs and refused to make changes, then I would've ended things for good already. He's doing everything he can to prove himself and make me feel comfortable being with him. I'm still not ready to move in together for now, but it doesn't mean that wouldn't change. I just know our daughter creates more than enough work for me and I don't need his kids adding to that. I also need to be in the mood to deal with his kids, so it's better if I get to pick and choose when I want to deal with them. I'm staying because our daughter needs us to be a team right now. If he completely stopped making an effort and things went sour again in the future, then I would leave.

Frustrated future SM's picture

He's becoming a better parent to his own kids because of me too. I know that by staying I'll be a good influence on him and his kids, which makes it more likely that we'll get a house together within the next year.