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Advice Needed on Biological Mom Jealousy

Ultimaesperanza's picture

Does anyone else ever feel jealousy towards the biological mom of their stepchild?

To give some insight on where I am coming from, my partner has a six year old daughter with his ex girlfriend. He and I have been together over a year and the relationship got very serious very quickly. I met his daughter about a few months into the relationship (he only gets her every other weekend) and I was okay with her. Not attached but not bothered. It wasn't until his ex took him to court with false claims of not paying child support. The court being biased against men, particularly black men, refused to look at the information he presented. Thus she was awarded 40K, which financially destroyed my partner. This is where the stronger feelings come into play.

Immediately I resented the ex and the child. I refused to see her for a few months. I was also going through unrelated personal issues that made me act irrationally. My anger was directed towards the kid as the court battle went on. I resented her. When I was a few months into seeing a professionalist and things at court slowly started taking a turn, I began to see her again. The main reason is because the girl was miserable when being with my partner (he had to move in with his parents) because he was constantly working. With her mother's encouragement she began to call him by his first name and the mother's current partner "daddy". This was breaking his heart. So I began spending the weekends with them and planning fun activities. My partner started becoming more engage and happier with his daughter and now their relationship has become something very sweet.

I love the child. I get excited for every weekend I have her. Without fail I become sad when I look at her. I see her mother in her face and as much as I love this child she will never be mine. She is just a constant reminder of my partner's previous relationship. It's to the point where I want to know everything about the ex. I'm always asking questions and quite frankly getting obsessed with doing little things to get under the ex's skin. 

I want to stop. I just need perspective, which I am lacking now. I know that some of the jealousy is caused by me wanting my own biological baby and him having that with another woman. How do I make peace with the fact that this woman will be coming up in my life the foreseeable future?

Comments

Harry's picture

paying child support from your family’s money,  BM screwing with your family time, making you hop through hoops  to do anything. Your life changes when SD is there. BM will always be in your life, one way or another.   Some people can deal with it  others can’t 

beebeel's picture

In time, your BF will pull enough crap that you will wonder how you were ever jealous of her. Wink

lieutenant_dad's picture

I sometimes think this is a natural stage in the stepparenthood process as people feel their way into their new role.

I had moments of jealousy, wanting to know things, make her feel bad for all the crap she pulled with my DH, etc. I don't know so much that it was jealously as it was righteous indignation. She was stealing things from my DH that should rightfully be ours, and dammit all if I wasn't going to do something about it!

Like beebeel said, though, eventually my DH did enough stupid stuff on his own that it quelled my anger. Being with him longer let me see his flaws. It allowed me to realize that, yes, BM is a tool, but she's also human. I eventually just started filling my time with other activities, tried to not be around when she was, etc. Time really was the best medicine.

Your relationship is still pretty new. Give it some time, and fill your days with other activities. If you have to spend less time with the kid to facilitate that process, so be it. 

Deekay's picture

HI There!

I am new to the stepparent role, even though I have known of my SS for years I never got to meet him until recently so it gave me and my SO time to get to know each other more and understand that dynamic of our relationship. Right now I don't feel jealousy towards BM but more resentment and hatred for how she is poisoning SS with her negativity and views of others. I just keep telling myself that she is acting out this way because she is jealous that I have her ex that she was probably hoping to get back together with. 

I think since you're relationship is still on the newer end that it would be normal for you to have that feeling. Don't question yourself, it's a lot to take in and knowing that this is a situation where you can never get rid of the ex-partner. Just remind yourself that you're the future and you are there for a reason whatever it may be. 

CLove's picture

Just recently, after 4.5 years with DH (we were married a few months ago), Munchkin SD12, related a text she has sent to her Auntie about me, and in it she said "Clove is like my second mom". It took years to get to this point, and, I do not have children of my own, not by choice, and have wanted them, and here she is! I poured all my mothering out on her and she enjoys it. Its unfortunate for me that she looks exactly like her mother, except she has asian eyes, and Toxic Troll BM is white, like me.

DH is full Filipino, and a working-class man. I wonder if his race (as well as gender) affected his court judgement - the judge just rushed him through and he did not have a chance to say anything, and he now has to pay child support, even with 50% custody. And we still have to pay for everything. But thats another story.

SO, to you your questions: is this normal, and how to get through this.

YES, totally normal. I went through facebook posts, asked all kinds of questions about their life together, to try to boost my feelings of self-worth, because I had been going through some difficult times, and being in a step-parent role is not for wussies having an identity crisis. She "rented too much space in my head" as they say. I was told over and over, what a better partner I was, how much better I am as a person, and still, my head space was filled. Time took care of that, plus I just exhausted all the scenarios until they were no longer interesting. Over time, with observations, my confidence grew, and now its business as usual.

Im sorry your partner was taken to the cleaners. But great job lifting them up. My DH, before me, according to Munchkin, he was "not as much fun, didnt laugh as much, and didnt do as many fun things". We have an active social life, he has a large fun-loving family, and Munchkin has a great life with us, and it continues to get better as we get more solid and stable.

So, serve BM an eviction notice from your head! Tell yourself to STOP, when you start going there. This worked for me, the mental checks. 

tog redux's picture

Jealous? No. She's mentally ill and miserable.

Resentful? Absolutely. For a time I hated her. Now, I mostly feel indifferent, sometimes even understanding why her crazy mind does what it does. But that's because most of the drama is over, I've accepted that we will not save SS from her, he's a lost soul, and I don't really care anymore. 

I'm just counting down to when DH is done with Child Support and any other legal entanglement with her. And I don't care if SS is part of our lives at that point or not, quite frankly.

hereiam's picture

I've never been jealous of BM but resentment? You betcha. I hated the bitch for what she put my DH (and me) through and yes, I resented the fact that his daughter existed. Not to the point that I couldn't be around her or that I treated her badly, but I sure wished that my husband had not procreated.

There is nothing wrong with learning all that you can about the BM, it can help you stay one step ahead, but you cannot let it overtake your life. Live the best life that you can live and have as little contact with the BM as you can. In 22 years, I have seen/talked to BM only a handful of times. Just the fact that DH is happy with me and that we have been together for so long, gets under her skin (she is on her 6th marriage, I kid you not). Focus on your life with your SO, not BM and not the life that THEY had.

I have never been jealous that BM had his kid. The only reason DH married BM was because they had a kid. He is with me because he loves me, no kid needed, he just loves me.

It all takes time, but you will get there. You recognizing all of this is a huge start. Again, focus on the NOW. Yes, BM will be a part of your life for some years to come, but just take it one day at a time. Don't dwell on the past, don't fret too much about the future (be prepared but don't obsess about what might happen). 

Hopefully, your SO has boundaries with the BM, and can keep her from intruding on your life too much.

Siemprematahari's picture

Like other posters jealous no, resentful of all the bullsh!t, manipulation, and lies that she put my H through......YES! So sad when someone can try to attempt to have that kind of control over someone and not care how they are damaging the child in the process.

I no longer have to deal with any of the BS but when I did it was frustrating and it gave me a glimpse of how cruel some people can be. You're angry and annoyed with how much drama this woman has put you all through, so its natural to not have "good" feelings towards her. Just remember to love you and don't lose yourself and your integrity if you decide to stick it through.