You are here

Step son still on his moms tit.

AKsc's picture

Does anyone else's stepchild make their blood pressure go up? I sit in my car before going inside my house on the weekends the SC is at my home. Before I met him, everyone I knew would just brag about this child. I'm wondering now if those people were paid to tell me things like that. My stepson is almost 9. The 4 years i've been with my husband, where the SC is at our home, every other weekend...I have yet to have ONE weekend where he doesn't cry like he is still 2 years old. This past weekend he started crying because he forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in from his moms house. HIS WHOLE CLOSET IS FULL OF SHIRTS!  It's getting old. My own 7 year old daughter does not cry as much as he does. My daughters are starting to express that they don't want to come to my house because the stepson is there. Dinner time rolls around and he is absoletly clueless on how to fix his plate. What to do with the dishes after...when we just went over it yet again the weekend before. He never likes anything I cook. I've very nicely asked him what his mom cooks him for breakfast, lunch and dinner....and guess what! HE STARTS CRYING! He will run all the hot water out to take a bath for maybe 2 minutes and then drain the water right back out. While he's doing that we have to tell him about 5 times to stop signing at the top of his lungs.His mom keeps signing him up for sports, which takes up the majority of Saturdays and Sundays when he is at my house. Between practices and games and tournamets etc. My husband is never home on the weekends now because of that. It's starting to cause issues in the marital life. All the chores and to do stuff is left for me and my daughters to do, while my husband and step son are gone off to the ball field. Its not until here in the last month or 2 that my husband has even shown any interest in going to these games. ALl family events (birthdays, dinners etc) are not attended to by my husband and step son because of sports. My grandpa's 80th birthday, that I informed my husband of MONTHS in advance. I even put it in his phone. Asked him to make sure he was there because it was important...well, nor he or the step son came because of ball practice. 


CastleJJ's picture

It sounds like your SS and DH may be facing some parental alienation from BM. Frequently crying skids and a big sports load are big red flags for PAS. HCBMs, like ours, tend to overenroll skids in sports to prevent parenting time or to control it, ensuring that every second of the other parent's time is eaten up by sports. If skid is crying over a shirt, BM may be reinforcing loyalty binds in her house, making skid feel like he is only safe, loved, and cared for at BM's, hence the waterworks. My SS is also 9 and he struggles with the "how tos" of life, but it's because BM will not let him do anything like clear the table, make his bed, etc. at her house because she needs it to be perfect and wants to do it herself to control. 

What does your husband say about all this? What is he doing to work on SS' behavior and to ensure that routine and structure are provided in your home? It sounds like sports may be impacting the routine of your household and may be disrupting skid's adjustment to your home. Is there a way DH can limit the amount of events skid attends during your weekend parenting time? Does the CO give BM full control over sport enrollment? 

AKsc's picture

My husband struggles with all of it. He is the kind to brush it all under the rug, and hopes it will fix itsself of go away all together. We have tried to address how often sports are played, however the BM has all control over that. We have also addressed these issues with the BM, and of course all the fingers get pointed at us, and what happens in our household. I do however, fully believe now that the sports are used so that the BM does not have to parent. My husband used to tell me all the time that when he was still married ot his ex, he wasnt allowed to parent their son because they were always at the BM's parents house. 

CastleJJ's picture

Well it definitely sounds like your BM is playing the PAS game and trying to control DH's parenting time. Your DH can't just sit back and hope this all goes away. My SS is 9 and he has had a lot of what you describe; the crying, missing mom excessively, being unable to lift a finger in our home, etc. DH just worked really hard to provide structure and enforce a routine in our household. We set the expectations; you get up, you make your bed, after dinner, you clear your plate and put it in the dishwasher, bed time is 9:30 pm, etc. Once we established a routine, he did so much better. He realizes that things operate differently in both homes. 

Our BM became frustrated that SS was doing so great in our home that she started sending him with a stuffed animal covered in her perfume to "provide comfort in case he misses her". This caused SS to regress. We simply took it away and didn't allow it in our household. It stays in his bag in his closet for the entire visit. He doesn't miss it or need it and again, does much better without it. BM has tried to ramp up other antics out of retaliation for taking it away. It's a control tactic to attempt to control our household and remain relevant.

What does your CO say? Does DH have joint custody? If so, he can pick and choose what SS attends and doesn't attend. BM doesn't get to have all control and if non-stop sports are having a negative impact on SS, your DH can make the rule that SS will not attend during your parenting time. If BM starts fighting, court may be necessary. 

AKsc's picture

CO says BM has full decission making, regarding the child. DH will not fight, or even making conversation about issues. He just does what the BM says to do. Current sport is baseball, then will come all the basketball stuff. Its so hard for us to even try to be a family or build a relationship all together. 

CastleJJ's picture

Well DH still has autonomy over his own parenting time, regardless of the CO, so he can still decide to not allow SS to participate in sports during his time. It sounds like your DH needs to grow a backbone, stand up to BM, and implement strong boundaries. If he won't, things will never change. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Exactly what Castle said. She can schedule all she wants but she has no control over how your husband wants to spend his parenting time. Now, that would mean he has to get his balls back from BM- which I know is hard for a lot of men to do, but he is well within his rights to do something other than what BM has planned for his parenting time.

Winterglow's picture

Maybe it's time he told her that he will NOT be taking his son to the sports events on his time because it's interfering with his visitation time. Nor will he allow her to take the boy in his place. This is his time and both of them need it.

What kind of sports are we talking about, BTW?

justmakingthebest's picture

Like the others said- time to regulate to one sport per season. No travel teams. 

Your husband's time with his kid is more important and keeping him over scheduled is just BM controlling your household and preventing actual parent-child bonding time. 

Your husband needs to lay it out that this is how things will be and on your weekends, don't take him. Period- end of statement. Just don't. He will be ok! 

Sports were the #1 alienation tactic that BM here used against DH. 

AKsc's picture

Should I be concerned that I NEVER get invited to these sports? My husband will call and invite his dad, but I have yet to be asked if I wanted to come. 

CastleJJ's picture

Have you asked DH if you can go? I'm not deflecting blame from DH, but guys are blind and definitely not mind readers. He may not realize you want to go or may think that he is giving you a break from SS since things are tense at home. If you want to go, just ask DH if you can go. I think you'd find he would be happy to have you tag along. 

Rags's picture

Time for DH to find that his house key does not work when he fails to participate in your life and marriage. He chooses a ball practice over your Grandfather's 80th. His key does not work.

Lather, rinse, repeat... until he gains clarity.

He leaves with SS and avoids chores.  They find the home fully trashed when they get home with a note that says they get it all done before you and your daughters get home or ... pack their shit and get out.

Lather.... rinse.... repeat.

If you do not beat him over the head with the message written on a 2X4 until it sinks into his thick though obviously willfully blind skull he will never catch and clue and you and your daughters will be little more than the back and call chore squad for your DH and his failed family progeny.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

AKsc's picture

Update on this whole ordeal... Husband has agreed to bend over backwards for anything reguarding baseball. The BM signed the child up for another sport that we refuse to take him to on the weekends the child is with us. BM is now using it as leverage when we need to change something in the schdule...example. I'll allow this if you take him to this sport. so frustrating!! 

The crying still hasnt stopped. He cries every night, when he's on the phone with his mom. Cried at a family event because there wasn't anything to drink that he liked. Not just tears. I mean almost a full breakdown. I've never been so embarrased. My family raised tough men. Not now 10 year olds who are still crying. I'm wondering now if he mentally has something wrong with him. The BM has mentioned several times via text, but will not go into details on how much the child is struggling. Maybe mental abuse at his mom's house ? Brining up the conversation to his BM will be hard to do because she will point all the fingers to being something that only happens at our house.

What are some things I can look for or ask the child that would help? I have to be extremely careful because he goes back and tells his mom EVERYTHING! Down to what everyone is wearing around the house. 


Rags's picture

Stop discussing it with BM.

Invoke absolute full enforcement of the standards of behavior and performance in your home with escalating misery inducing consequences if he pulls this cry baby shit.  If he is acting like a toddler, treat him like one. When he has a melt down swat him on the rump, force march him to the nearest isolated corner, and plant his nose there to hold the intersecting walls together until you get tired. If he pulls this shit at a family event he should be immediately called out for it and forced to stand alone, nose on a wall, tree, etc.... In plain sight of everyone with a full humiliating lecture on his baby behavioral bullshit.

Do not treat this infant as an adult. He gets no say and no one caters to his willful manipulative infantile crap.  He complies or he suffers.  An escalating existence of abject misery will season this shit out of him in fairly short order. How he behaves at BM's is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how he behaves when he is visiting your family. PERIOD! DOT.

Keep it simple.