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MOM TO BOYS ADVISE....

AKsc's picture

I need "moms with boys advise"....my SS who is almost 9, is constently touching his penis. His dad has had numerous talks with him about it "being a private area" SS goes back and tells his BM that his BD yelled and fussed at him about it. BM tells us just to ignore him and the pediatrician has said "he is soothing himself" because he is uncomfortable at our house. We have tried to explain the times he has done it, and all the fingers get pointed at us, the idea that is ONLY happens in our home. This has been going on for months now. The last time made me at my limit. We were at a pool party for my youngest daughter, SS is standing up on the diving board just playing and rubbing himself, IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY AND OTHER GIRLS! Dad goes over and says something to him, SS then sits down on the diving board, turns so nobody can see him and contiunes touching himself. Dad didn't see it but I did when I walked by him. 

BM is not taking this serious!! She keeps saying it is only happening at our house, which is not true because they are pictures of him on social media touching himself! What do I do? He is making myself and my family uncomfortable. I'm to the point where I don't trust him to be alone with my children. 

AKsc's picture

Is this normal for boys?? Is there some other way to make them understand private areas? 

Dogmom1321's picture

This is not normal and definitely a problem. Usually when boys are TODDLERS they seem fascinated. Your SS isn't "soothing" himself. I would seek out a therapist for this behavior befores it gets any worse. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Is it normal for kids to masturbate? Yes. Him touching himself isn't the problem here. What is the problem is him doing it in public.

When your DH talks to him, does he tell him he can't do it or that he just needs to do it in private? If it's the former, your DH needs to change the message to say it's okay to do, just not in front of others.

Your DH also needs to talk to his son about how him doing this makes others uncomfortable and how it's a form of sexual misbehavior. He needs to explain how doing that in pubkic can get him into trouble. He should also tell SS that until he stops and shows he won't do it in public areas that he and SS won't be doing fun things in public or around the house.

Also, your DH needs to contact the pediatrician and ask why they are telling BM that this behavior, in public, is okay. My guess is that they'll have no idea what he's talking about. Finally, he needs to send an email to BM explaining that he talked to SS and the pediatrician, and lay out what was discussed and the expectations for his house. He can also explain the consequences for the behavior if it continues, including therapy.

notarelative's picture

As usual lieutenand-dad has great advice. I guarantee that when he does this at school, the school will not accept the "just soothing himself" explanation and say it's ok. SS is old enough to understand that there are some things that are done in private.

Gimlet's picture

Lt. Dad is a gem of a human and a big asset to this community.  She gives consistently balanced and solid advice.  

AKsc's picture

I've never been a part of these converstaions with the child because I dont feel like its my place. He's been told he can get in trouble, he's been told its making people unconfortable. I really don't think DH is comfortable having difficult conversations with child or BM. But i'm loosing my patientce with this because I don't want myself or my children involved in it when the day comes he gets in trouble. I've had multiple text messages to the BM from myself and she's not understanding that its happening too much. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

There's two ways going forward: get involved or not have SS in your home until he learns the lesson. The former option is awkward, but maybe you telling him to knock it off will get the point across. The latter option probably isn't your first choice, but there isn't much you can do if DH doesn't want to step up.

Winterglow's picture

Oh FFS, tell your DuH to stop pussyfooting around his son and to get a grip! Enough of this wishy-washy "you can make people uncomfortable" stuff. He needs to bluntly tell him that he is only allowed to do it behind his closed bedroom door (I'd add the bathroom too but you don't want him spending hours in there when others need to go Smile ) and keep on at him every time it happens and that is ALL. What is so hard about that? Why didn't this conversation start YEARS ago? He's his father, this is just part of the normal parenting hurdles that we ALL, as parents, have to deal with. He doesn't get to shirk his responsibilities and pass them on to you. 

Carriem's picture

Remove him from others each time and send him to his room. If it happens in public take him home immediately and send him to his room. He needs to learn that he cannot make other people uncomfortable to soothe himself - that's the law and something he has to abide by. 

fakemommy's picture

This is normal and is actually a coping mechanism. The main thing you want to do is not shame him about it and let him know it is completely okay to be curious and touch himself, but that that's something to do in a private place. Your DH needs to stop thinking of this as a "difficult" conversation instead of just a normal part of life. Also, anyone completely grossed out by this is sexualizing a 9yo boy and should probably not be around him. The less of a huge deal you make about it, the more comfortable he'll be to accept boundaries around it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I was with you until you said being grossed out was sexualizing a child.

No. I don't want to see someone in public fondle their tits, scratch their a$$hole, pick their nose, or pluck wax from their ear. All of that provides comfort for the person doing it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't gross me out or make me uncomfortable.

That is ESPECIALLY true with kids. A child fondling themselves is not going to make me think that they're deriving sexual pleasure from it, but it is going to make me question if they're being sexually abused or exposed to adult content. If they're doing it over a pool, I'm going to wonder if they're itchy because they aren't clean and get grossed out that they may be swimming with me with some sort of junk funk. If they sit on the diving board to play with themselves, yeah, I'm going to get uncomfortable because I don't know why it's happening and it's not normal behavior.

Masturbating is normal. Touching oneself for non-sexual comfort is normal, even if touching yourself involves sexual organs. What is NOT normal and makes people feel "grossed out" is when it happens IN PUBLIC, AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN TOLD TO STOP.

Rags's picture

Not abnormal.  However, time for daddy to stop talking and start acting.  Daddy needs to take him by the arm and take him to the toilet where he can close the door and take care of his "self soothing" business in private. The Doc... is an idiot.  Self soothing my ass. He is yanking his wanky and is also an exhibitionist who needs a very firm hand to get his exhibitionist inclinations under control.

IMHO of course.