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Left the house to try and save relationship

_HelpMe_'s picture

Hello, I’ll try to explain without all of the gory details. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years. When  I first met the man, who I love, there was no mother in his daughter’s life. She was six years old. We took our time, took it slow, I moved in after about 18 months together and kept a house that I rented, just in case. We had a great relationship the child and I, then the mother found out. Once she realized he had a woman in his life, she then wanted her daughter every other week. It is her child and her right. The court system here is incredibly flawed so there is no reason to go into that. I did the best I could to be respectful of the mother’s position, but she refused to even meet me. The mother then began to do everything she could to destroy the relationship between me and the child, which led to incredible stress between the man and I. We had purchased a house together after 2 1/2 years and the child physically threatened me twice at 10 years old. The man, fornreasons I can’t understand,  continually made excuses for her behavior, so I left. We tried to work on it again, the daughter left the house and went to live with the mother saying that she “doesn’t like me and she doesn’t know why”. I’ve done everything that I’m sure most of you have done to try to have a good relationship with this child that I love  and care for, but that has been destroyed now. She literally will not acknowledge me, speak to me, engage in any meaningful way. I’ve now gotten my own place, so that he can raise his child without the stress on him and I. Hopefully, we can get some peace. The ex went back to court and started issues, she has been incredibly hateful to him throughout the six years previous to this... but now that I have gotten my own place she is reaching out asking him to buy gifts together with the child, is being incredibly kind to him, and is attempting to be friendly, after multiple years of constant complaints, threats and manipulation. The ex has allowed all of her daughters to read texts between her and my boyfriend regarding custody, that discuss the youngests dislike for me. The ex used the youngest and got what she wanted, in her view. I’m not sure where to go from here. I have my own place, he stays here every other week when he doesn’t have his daughter. Has anyone done this? Can it work? 

Harry's picture

if you don’t care that BM is running your life.  It can work.  You BF did not have your back.  He playing games with his EX and DD.  DD is causing hel* in your relationship he allowing it,  if you are ok with this type or relationship where you are third or fourth, I don’t know where the dog fits in,  yes you can .  Most can not.

_HelpMe_'s picture

Harry, can you go further with how he is playing games? I know him well, he’s a man with a huge heart who loves his children. He has been manipulated by this woman for years. She has done the same with his relationship with his kids, which I think is what is driving his response. He’s afraid she will destroy his relationship with the kids just like she has done with me. He seems to be a man caught in the middle and I’m trying not to allow this to destroy our relationship or keep him from his kids. I’m not a woman that would do that, but I don’t want to put more pressure on him. 

tog redux's picture

If it works for you, then that's fine. Seems like a reasonable compromise, but expect BM to start trying to break you up entirely.  If he can't set boundaries on that (things like - giving him the kids the majority of the time so he can't go see you) then it won't work.  It's entirely up to him.

_HelpMe_'s picture

Tog redux, the good thing is at this point the kid is 13 and pretty much self sufficient in most areas. Keeping us apart isn’t really an option as if she was 4 or 5. Primarily, what bothers me is that she and the ex know that’s why I left. I’m trying to be the bigger person and follow the example my BF sets which is “they didn’t get what they want, we are still together.” I’m just angry at how people can be so destructive. 

SteppedOut's picture

Hold up. Y'all bought a house together? As is both of your names are on the mortgage? And you left that house and now you are renting, I assume? 

If that is the case, are you still contributing to the costs of the house (mortgage, insurance, property tax, repairs) and paying rent? If not, is your rent more than the house was monthly?

Why did you have to leave the house because of her bad behavior?

Personally, I would sell the house, take your portion and move on. 

_HelpMe_'s picture

Stepped out, we sold the house and split the proceeds. I am renting again and he is paying for a house. He put me on the deed but not the mortgage as a show of good faith in our future and what we are trying to do. I did not ask for that, he offered to prove he wants us together. 

_HelpMe_'s picture

Stepped out, we sold the house and split the proceeds. I am renting again and he is paying for a house. He put me on the deed but not the mortgage as a show of good faith in our future and what we are trying to do. I did not ask for that, he offered to prove he wants us together. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

A weaponized skid is a powerful tool. Problem is, once they're weaponized they stay that way. Are you prepared to live this way in this relationship forever? Always separate, often left out? Imagine as this skid becomes an adult, marries, and has her own little weapons of mass destruction. She'll teach them to hate you too, while your bf dotes on them and wants to spend time with them. Imagine being alone on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter while your bf rewards bad behavior by having his cake and eating it too.

How your bf conducts himself and handles his daughter would carry a lot of weight with me. Is he working the problem? Does he have his kid in counseling, and does he discipline her effectively? Has he educated himself about Parental Alienation, and retained an attorney to keep BM in check? Or does he just go with the flow and let BM and a tween control things? 

Have the two of you discussed the future and marriage? What is your bf's long term plan?

SteppedOut's picture

I came back to say basically the same.

Only I will add...do you want children? If so, there is zero way this relationship will ever work.

_HelpMe_'s picture

I should have put that info in, my mistake. I’ve never written a post to this forum before. I am 48 and my 3 kids are grown and out of the house. . He is 49 and his 3 oldest are grown, this youngest child is 13. So, no more children other than grandchildren which so far there are two by a fairly reasonable child that I have a decent relationship with overall, given the circumstances. She’s trying to navigate this as well. We see the twins (grandchildren) occasionally. I get them small gifts, etc like I do my own and the daughter is appreciative and I believe she’s trying the best she can given the behavior of her mother.

Curious Georgetta's picture

for you , then for the moment your problem is solved.  Only you and your partner have to be comfortable with the solution. If you  need to live your life by polling others, you will be living a consensus life rather than your own life.

Learn to be comfortable in  your own skin.

_HelpMe_'s picture

Love that post Curious and thank you. I’m just looking for input on how to negotiate all of this. I come from a stepfamily that wasn’t a dream but it worked. I’m hoping to hear ways to work through this new thing. After 7 years together, which by al standards “should” have led to marriage and/or living together, we are currently in two separate spaces to try and save our relationship. Definitely not the norm, so I’m wondering if others have any experience and input. 

_HelpMe_'s picture

Exjulie, I am definitely the one who spent time educating myself and try to keep him informed.

I know this sounds lame, but it’s true. After the way she has worked to alienate him from their older children, I believe due to mental issues on her part and possible NPD, he just wants to nod his head and leave it alone. The ex has continually worked to destroy his relationship with his other girls and son. It’s really shameful. No one is perfect, but I’m a reasonable person and what I’ve seen this woman do is truly destructive and nothing I’ve seen before. 

He’s always been very good about including me, to a degree I’ve had to alienate myself to stay out of the stress. Now that I’m not there every day, it will be easier to be part of things like holidays. I’ve actually stayed away myself in the past, because it was so hard. 

Harry's picture

That thing will never get better. SK will control your life even after they become adults.  You may never move in with him full time again.