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In need of advice!!

Sunshine100's picture

Hello all. I am new to this site and need advice ASAP. My stepdaughter is 19, been her step mom since she was 10-11 years old. Like all relationships, we've had our ups and down but for the most part it has been great. Her father, my SO, is 10 years my senior and me and her and I are 15 years apart so she sometimes looks to me as a "big sister" for advice. Sounds weird but it is so true. So the other day she texts me and asks if she can ask for my advice (which is normal for her) at first I thought it was boyfriend issues or college stress. However she drops a bomb on me and says she's pregnant! And to not tell her dad. I told her to go to the doctors to confirm but I haven't heard back how it went. On the other hand her relationship with her dad is not always the best. He still sees her as his little girl. I didn't tell him because one she asked me not to and I feel he will freak out. Did I do the right thing and keep it a secret from Him or should I tell him? Thank you!


ESMOD's picture

I don't think you should tell him.  She is technically an adult.. and this is HER news to do with what she wants.  She absolutely does need to seek medical confirmation and care... and then she has to make her decision on how she wants to go forward (or not) with the pregnancy.. I'm sure that there are a lot of variables... the relationship with the potential father of the child etc... 

There are some things that I think need to be shared.. when someone says they are being abused.. or if they are talking about harming themselves... but pregnancy? no.. I would personally try my best to follow up and support her and ENCOURAGE her to tell her father (if she plans on keeping the child)... But.. if she chooses to terminate her pregnancy (or if it turns out she was not pregnant after all).. I don't see anything positive coming from you breaking her trust and telling her dad.  

I guess the bottom line is that would her situation be "fixed or improved" if he knew?  Would it prevent some disaster for her?  I don't think it would.. so this is a big secret.. but one I think you need to keep for her as long as she wants to keep it quiet.

Fun side story.. my OSD got PG by accident with her BF at 22.. she told her little sister knowing that YSD can't keep a secret to save her life.. that was how the family found  OSD was too chicken to tell anyone.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If it helps medical and mental health professionals are not allowed to disclose that kind of information even if the child is a minor.

She is an adult which means she has even more of a right to her privacy. In this situation I would value that she feels comfortable having someone to talk to about it. I would not violate her trust by not honoring her request to keep it secret. If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy she will have to tell her father eventually.