You are here

i just dont like her

angie m's picture

My stepdaughter came into my life when she was 14. She definitely has mommy issues, having been mostly abandoned by her birth mom at 5. I had dreams if being the mom she never had and all kinds of hope for the future with her. 3 years later, I have come to the conclusion that not only will I never be the mom she didn't have, I don't want to be. She has a nasty, black little heart and I simply do not like her, not even a little. I love her dad so very much and my 9 year old daughter loves her and frequently cries over how badly her "big sister" treats her. I have such a hard time dealing with my feelings because I honestly would have nothing to do with her if she were not my love's child. He knows she's a bad person too but it's still his kid. He loves her no matter what. I wish I could.I feel so fake because I never get to react as I want to, I don't want to screw up my relationship with her dad. I'm wondering how any if you deal with these feelings.

Ingleside's picture

It sounds like your not able to express yourself safely because you fear of starting a bigger problem. I am in the same place right now too. You are not alone and her dad doesn't think he has to say anything and lets her behave in ways I would never dream of treating anyone, let alone my step.... I am not married but we have been together since a year after his divorce. I don't have my own children, by choice and being a step to women who are grown sinks. There personality is set and I have chosen to remove myself from them and go to our bedroom. She is here for 12 days and has managed to disrupt our home within 2 hours. Have you tried to talk to your boyfriend about this? If he is like mine they would rather have us suffer than do the right thing and discipline their daughter. I don't care how old they are because she is the problem and he is the problem if he doesn't tell her our house "rules" like pick up after yourself, how about "Is there anything I can do for you?" lol while she is here.

over step's picture

At some point you will feel nothing towards her. Not even hate. She will just be. Disengage and focus on dh and dd. Pretend she is not there unless it's absolutely necessary to do otherwise. Just because you don't care for sd doesn't mean you care any less for dh. They are only a package deal in the physical form, not emotional.

frustratedstepdad's picture

What you are feeling is VERY common. When I first became a stepdad, I wanted all of my stepkids to like me.

Fast forward 9 years and I honestly don't give a crap what any of them think about me anymore. I grew tired of being a doormat, constantly walking around on eggshells to appease their rotten attitudes, and generally feeling like I was just being used for my money.

Like others have said, your best choice is to disengage from your SD. The sooner you do it, the better off you will be.

Ingleside's picture

I have disengaged and left the area that they are in just for my own self respect. She doesn't like me then turns things around behind my back and literally tells her daddy how rotten I am. He is blinded and believes her and gets angry with me because I "TREATED" her with disrespect. OMG. I am so grateful I found this site and am elated that I am able to vent and perhaps encourage others they are not alone either. I love the advise "DISENGAGE" and maintain self respect. No more drama and I like being with me by myself. When she leaves he WILL be angry with me because I was so rude to her, get that one. He refuses to admit she is the problem. We were raised with manners and discipline and I would never have gotten away with what she does. He was raised (oldest of 10 & I am upper middle of Dirol his family is so disfunctional and they don't even talk. He is better friends with my brother and sisters than his own. Boundless and clueless.

angie m's picture

Haha. I was laughing at the one more year. Amen to that! And disengaged is just about where I am. I have as little to do with her as possible and am starting on trying to help my little one to get to that point, carefully. My dd has such a tender heart, it's just not something she understands...but I am working on it. I think i feel guilty, I don't want to be a shitty stepmom and I make every effort to be at least civil but I'm my heart...ugh. How do you all handle having all these negative emotions? I found this site, yay, which I think is going to help. I run too, that gets it out but I'm not usually one that deals with bs and it's kinda eating me up. Thank you all for your replies! I really need to work this out.

Ingleside's picture

Hi to all of the STEPS out there. I just found this site after desperately needing someone to vent WITH and possible advise too. I am living the nightmare for 12 days. She is the most manipulative 27 year old witch. She literally makes it impossible to have a peaceful day. Pleasant or harmonious forget it. Anyone have any advise for me? I am living with one adopted stepdaughter that is 35 and moved in under the premise she would be here for a few months. She and I have managed to forge a respectful and pleasant "friendship".
She was adopted by my "live-in" when she was 4. Their mother had the STEPdaughter from hell that is now here for 12 days. My live-in's natural daughter. She is 27 and just plain rude. When her father is present she presents a totally different side and as soon as he leaves she is "HERSELF" and wow. Manipulation personified. She doesn't lift a finger and deliberately makes messes knowing it upsets me. If I dare mention anything her father defends her thoughtless, rude and passive agressive behavior, "SHES on vacation and just ignore it. I have had it and want to leave. But, if I leave he will let her sleep in our bed and there is no way she will EVER do that under my dead body. HELP from Illinois. BTW he treats his adopted daughter totally differently and it hurts me to see this painful and insensitive double standard. Thanks anyone who has been here and can give me a solution SOON. I took vacation days with the idea that this time it would be different but I was sadly having a sudden moment of memory lapses.

grace8205's picture

Disengage. You will drive yourself mad trying to fit the square peg in the round hole. I had all these thoughts of being one big happy step-family and my skid was much older however it never happen, partly because of my DH not letting it happen. Give up and figure out a way to deal with it. That is the best for your own emotional well being.