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discouraged, need to disengage!!!

Montanajane's picture

Ugh. Don't know why I keep trying. My SD (17) is literally Eeyore a total downer. Has lived w me full time for 4 years. Tonight told me this is not her home and she has no home. I'm super glad to hear that as I am the main breadwinner and support the debbie downer who does almost no homework, chores and is depressed all the time.

I blame no one but myself -- I expected the Brady bunch miracle and tried hard. I'm a prisoner in my own house. Can't wait til she goes to college. I HOPE she goes to college. She won't discuss it too stressful. Ugh!!!




missgingersnap2021's picture

I have no advice but can't believe you are dealing with this. You are a saint!! Full time for 4 years  AND it is costing you financially??? Stories like yours just make me grateful my situation isn't like that. 

Montanajane's picture

I'm really very down and kind of angry too. I'm a giver by nature and had this fantasy of "saving the troubled child." Now I just think she is a troubled a_hole and believe I'm not the type to say ahole. I'm shocked by the lack of gratitude and I don't expect much. I know, my husband is largely to blame and I'm sure that is true but he is your classic divorced guilty dad. I have to back off but it makes me sad. She's definitely a narcissist and maybe worse. It's tough. 

Montanajane's picture

It does look easy until you do it! Haha. Karma will rear its head.

ESMOD's picture

Why hasn't your husband tried to get his daughter help for her depression?  I'm sure that despite your efforts, she still feels some sting from the fact that her bio mother is MIA.

And.... honestly, I am sure you have tried very hard with her and do a lot to finance the home.. but it really is your DH who should be thankful that you stepped in and did those things.  Kids are not great at being 'overly" grateful that a stepparent paid for things for them that might otherwise have been the responsibility of their parent.  And.. it was her parent's job to teach her to be thankful to people who do things.. to express gratitude for extra special effort.  Maybe she doesn't need to prostrate herself for every egg sammich you fixed her for breakfast.. but certainly for gifts and extra special treatment.. she should know how to say thank you.

Montanajane's picture

Hi, I know what you are saying and I have really tried to be empathetic as she yells "I hate you!" at  her mother. Part of the MIA is by choice as SD refuses to see her (DH has custody but BM can see her once a week. SD doesn't want to.)

My husband has got her therapy and treatment with a psychiatrist. I also don't expect thanks for the mortgage or basic food. But I have tried to go out of my way to make it nice for her - beautiful bed, her favorite activities, gifts, favorite foods, etc. all received with the same glum whatever. I'm done!

missgingersnap2021's picture

Where is her mother in all of this? Have you and DH talked about where ( and how) she will live after graduation?

Montanajane's picture

Her mother is mentally challenged and the court took away custody. They don't speak much. My husband has full custody. After graduation... omg!!! I can't even think that far! She won't even talk about college and it's next year!!! She will definitely go though. She goes to a college oriented school and gets good grades though does no work. 

JRI's picture

17 years old AND a downer SD - a bad combination!  I feel for you.

We had problematic SD here at age 17, too.  I dont even want to remember those days.  I totallt empathize with you.  Hang in there, Montanajane.

Montanajane's picture

Thank you!! Just knowing we are not alone helps. I was so naive going into this, excited to have a "daughter!" Wow. Little did I know. Rarely have I felt "less than." Glad I'm not alone. Jane

JRI's picture

I embraced my new blonde daughter, too.  I bought the clothes, decorated the room, attended the meetings, went to the doctors, planned the wedding, babysat the sgkids, the whole 9 yards.  It has been an almost 50-year trip.

acef92's picture

I can really feel you, I hope your SD goes to college and finally you can have some peace. What an ungrateful brat! Sometimes I think how we can handle that amount of stress skids bring us.  

Montanajane's picture

I can really feel the empathy there. Thank you!!!

Stepdrama2020's picture

I feel your pain.

Do not do, buy, or give anymore. Debbie Downer can be supported in all those ways without you. In the SM world, good intentions are rarely recieved with appreciation. I learned the flipping hard way.

Harry's picture

If she doesn't like it here go move out to a better place.  She is older enough to understand what her words mean. You must write her off she will never change. She likes playing her game.  Mental illness is passed on if BM has a mental illness most likely SD has it too

Montanajane's picture

I don't begrudge the basics -- live in my house, eat my food, use my water. For various reasons I make much more $$$ than my husband, he takes care of the house and I'm ok with that. I'm a tech entrepreneur and I'm ok w the role reversal. 

but beyond that -- screw it!!!