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I have regrets

Alaina's Mom's picture

I've seen this site around and thought it would be a good place to come and vent. Ugh. I wish I had known things would be this stressful.

Alaina's Mom's picture

I married my DH last October. He and I were together 3 years prior to us marrying. He has SD13 and I have DD12. We get SD every weekend and sometimes during the week, if she wants to come over. When she's here--and even when she's not--she's the only person that matters. DH doesn't care about anything or anyone else and it's driving me nuts. Especially since he's only been like this since we married.
An example. We made plans to go to a water park back in May. It was supposed to be a fun day for the four of us. SD broke her wrist and DH cancelled immediately. He didn't even tell me he was cancelling. Then her wrist got better and we planned to go again. DD ended up getting very sick. He refused to cancel and took SD anyway. He even suggested that I should go. And didn't think twice about DD at all.

SD is also a bully. This comes from her being spoiled, I believe. DH and his ex have been called to her school on a number of occasions about bullying incidents. Neither of them cares to address these problems. She bullies my daughter. Calls her name stupid, mispronounces it on purpose and has slapped her on a couple of occasions. When I step in, DH tells me he'll deal with it and never does. She's also lazy. I've been told that since she's only a guest, I should loosen up. But I would throw a gust out of my home if they destroyed it. SD leaves trash everywhere, doesn't pick up after herself, and often throws used tampons and sanitary towels on the bathroom floor. :sick:

The latest thing with DH is asking SD what takeout she wants and "forgetting" to ask DD. A couple of times he even ordered food DD couldn't eat and would get pissed at me for going out with her and buying food for just the two of us.

I regret marrying him. I never thought I would, but right now I am. He's really shown his true colors since we got married. I've been dealing with BS from my ex, who doesn't see my daughter right now, which is his choice. Ugh. I hate this. Things are definitely not how I thought they would be.

Does anyone think it's worth trying to save my marriage or do you think I'm wasting my time?

SugarSpice's picture

it sounds like your dh has raised a narcissist. children with these bullying personalities grow up to be moral monsters. that dh looks the other way (both cowardice and guilt) is not helping matters.

sd is NOT a guest but a family member. she should be held to the same standards as others in the family.

that your dd has been slapped means she has crossed the line. your husband is a coward.

protect yourself from further heartache and protect your daughter.

leave now.

notasm3's picture

Get out now. One person cannot "fix" a problem when the person causing the problems doesn't care. It will only get worse.

You made a mistake. Don't make another one by staying.

And when you do leave - don't look back. No communication with him ever again.

And don't waste your time trying to make him acknowledge that his princess is not perfect or that his actions are wrong. You will just argue non-stop. Present it as "it doesn't work for me."

sundowner's picture

Hi..Im not new to this site..but fast forward 3 yrs..I GOT OUT!! I want to state that my post has no underlying the ones I posted the past years. Its been about a year since I divorced exDH and with the 4 skids have shut me out of their lives.Sounds to me like you are another victim(sorry) of the classic..Lonely man bait and switch trap!Let me guess, he promised blah, blah; believed him and got he reverts to who he really is.And everyone looks at you as a frustrated old hag and blames you for bringing up these major issues.
I agree with notasm3..your DH is showing classic( predictable) betrayal of your marriage commitment by his loyalty to SD. He is making you the bad guy when its you he is betraying.It will not get fixed..ever..because SD will always be the #1 female in DH life..NOT YOU! Your DD will learn from your decision..teach her to value herself to face the discomfort ahead, and get out of that trap!..( you dont have to make your transition in a hurry..make it easy on you and your DD..but dont look back!)
Also..get this: exDH has already trapped another victim. She is a middle aged lawyer, never married, and who has no less than 7 months after I left, he fools another ( faith-based) woman into a rushed marriage who has no idea of the pain of betrayal and being last, and the insurmountable challenges she will face. Men dont change! I did love them all and I still do,but love isnt enough!

SugarSpice's picture

i cant agree more. get out now. i am twenty years into this hell and too late to get out easily. it will take its toll on your happiness and soul, and your health.

get out now. its not going to get any better and will get worse.

twoviewpoints's picture

Weird that he didn't show any indications of all this for three years prior to the wedding. That's a long time to fake it. Did the two of you live together before marrying? Anyway...

Whether you want to work on the relationship or not is something you'll have to decide for yourself. In the meantime, he can get as mad as he pleases, it doesn't change the fact you can and should be protecting yourself and your daughter. SD slapped your DD and you stood back and took his lame mumble about letting him deal with it? Hell no. Anything that affects you and/your daughter is your business and not something to let I'm blow you off on.

Who cares if he doesn't like you feeding your daughter after he blatantly dismissed her but conferred only with SD. It's been this way for almost a year? What are you waiting for that you think will suddenly magically change? You sit the man down now and you clearly lay it out for him. He either parents his brat or you and DD are gone. DD nor you deserve to be treated in this manner from him or his little monster bully slob kid.

What else is your options?

Rags's picture

Change the locks, pitch DH and his toxic and polluted shallow gene pool spawn out on the curb where they belong, protect yourself and your own child from this crap, and make sure you light the violent SD's ass up with a belt before you pitch she and her useless father out on the lawn.

Do it. Now. The problem is not the SD, the problem is your clueless DH. Who would voluntarily expose their own child to this crap?

still learning's picture

"I've been told that since she's only a guest, I should loosen up"

Here's a huge part of your problem, DH treats his own child like a guest, the visiting princess. Every weekend and some weekdays is pretty consistent and much more than a "guest." You're the queen of the home, the boss lady, start acting like it! The visiting princess should not rule the roost whenever she's there.

I can't answer whether your marriage is worth keeping but it is worth resolving this issue with SD so that you don't repeat it in the future.

Best to you!

Alaina's Mom's picture

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the comments. I'm sorry I didn't respond to any of them earlier.

Yesterday, after posting this, my daughter and I left. DH wasn't happy. But there was an incident with SD and I just couldn't handle it anymore. He's been texting me ever since and tried calling a couple of times, but I told him I won't be going back to him. I can't. Not after everything.

My daughter told me last night that she's glad we're away from them. So am I. I'm really looking forward to putting this behind me.

Alaina's Mom's picture

Thank you! It wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. It's a relief knowing we don't have to live like that anymore.

SugarSpice's picture

i am so happy for you! leave your husband to be with his brat of a daughter. they were made for one another.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Good for you, Alaina's mom. I'm glad that by the time I got to the end of the thread you had already taken action.

Do not be tempted to go back. The man is a train wreck and he's got Godzilla with him as a non stop "guest."

Just want to emphasize that what your daughter went through is through the roof. My sd was terrible to her own full brother, my ss. After about a year of living with this and endless talks with dh blah blah blah I finally just put a stop to it myself. I know what it's like to live with a bullygirl. It's sickening. Anyway, so if I can save my ss, you absolutely must save your daughter. Do not go back.

I like notasm's plan. Just never talk to him again. Let the lawyer handle it.

Alaina's Mom's picture

Thank you, CheifGrownup!

I'm sorry to hear about your SD. It must have been hard on your SS. I'm glad you were able to put a stop to it.

I won't be going back. I couldn't do that to my daughter after the last year. His texts and calls have gone unanswered. And it's going to stay that way.

Andie91801's picture

Well done Alaina's Mom. I know it was not easy but you did it. Yaaaayyyyy. Congrats. Smile


Alaina's Mom's picture

Thanks for the support everyone! I'm still not responding to his many, many texts and calls. I'm hoping he will get the message soon, but I doubt it.

It's so good to not have to deal with the drama we were before. My daughter is so much happier, too. I think it's a weight off of both of our shoulders. Smile