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How do I move on from these hateful feelings?

PlumHalo's picture

DH and I recently took his BM to mediation in order to get their dated stipulation to match what we currently are doing. Unfortunately BM and her husband took it badly and came for blood. We intended for it to just be a quick change but more was changed then we anticipated. The biggest change was our child support payments. BM has made the mistake in the past of telling DH that she doesn't need our payments and that they just go towards their house. Regardless she just recently started working full time at $14/hr(from previously being SAHM). But my DH makes $30/hr as a factory worker with rediculous hours that he absolutely despises. The big hiccup is that her husband makes $100k+/yr and all they do is spend money frivolously. I mean who wouldn't when with our child support she now makes close to $70k and our portion is already tax deducted. I understand that her husbands income has nothing to do with the child support and we can't fight it. There's nothing we can do except accept it. I am really having trouble with this. After the recent uptick in payments the SDs (twin 10yo) come home telling us that BM bought a gaudy new vehicle. Of course I can't help but roll my eyes but I put on a face for the girls' sake. How do you cope with these feelings? I hate that my DHs hard earned money goes to someone who doesn't use it for its purpose. Who laughs in our face when we just want to go on about our lives. I can't help but hate her fucking guts. I want to be strong for these girls but omg... I have so much hate built up from this. Is there a light at the end of this incredibly black tunnel? 

tog redux's picture

You have to just accept that the law is in BM's favor and there is nothing you can do about it. Consider this a debt to be paid off and not even part of his income, if possible. He's paying 41K in child support a year - 5K per month?

justmakingthebest's picture

It is just a bill that gets paid. If you look at it any other way it will cause major issues with resentment. 

How much CS is he really paying?? 

PlumHalo's picture

Typo- BM is making $50k after our portion. Our CS payment it $1700. 

tog redux's picture

Whew, that's much better!  If he's paying that much he must make a decent income - we found it easier to absorb the payments the higher our household income got.  We just saw it as a bill to be paid (and BM managed to get it raised by $200 from ages 18-21, which was annoying). 

justmakingthebest's picture

That is an insane amount of CS. My husband who makes 6 figures only pays $785 and BM has been working under the table this whole time. 

tog redux's picture

He got a good deal. My DH paid 1K for 1 kid on slightly less than 100K salary. 

ndc's picture

Money is fungible.  If the children's needs are being met, it doesn't matter whether they're met with BM's husband's income, with CS going to a fancy house or car, or if your DH's child support is going straight to their grocery bill.  Your husband has a responsibility to help support his kids; BM's husband does not.  Think of it as CS providing the necessary support and BM's husband's income paying for the luxury items.  Unless BM lied about her income or otherwise illegally manipulated things to get CS above and beyond what your husband should be paying, she hasn't done anything wrong vis a vis CS.  Let that go.

You have other reasons to resent and dislike this woman, but as aggravating and frustrating as the CS is, I would try to change my mindset and not make myself crazy worrying about what she's driving or how nice her house is.  

Tried out's picture


S_mum's picture

The fact that BM's husband makes 100K a year is totally irrelevant. The stepfather has no obligation to financially support your husband's daughters. 

Keep that in mind and maybe it will help you feel less resentful.

advice.only2's picture

"The biggest change was our child support payments"

Can you elaborate? Did the payments go up or down? CS is a bitter pill for many SM's especially if it's not being used for the children, but it's mandated so there isn't much you can do unless DH is able to get sole custody.

As an aside before we got custody of Spawn we were paying Meth Mouth well over 800 dollars a month so she could go snort it up her nose or shoot it in her about a bitter pill, funding somebodies drug habit...good times.

tog redux's picture

Yep. DH was paying $1000 to BM, who already made 100K herself.  But, that's how it works, no point in letting it upset you. 

MaryBethC's picture

My DH paid CS plus all medical, after school activities and whatever else BM could think of. At first it really pissed me off.

It's annoying to know money is funding someone that is not using it for SK but to fund their lifestyle. BM would beg DH for extra money because her account was overdrawn. DH would always oblige which made it even more frustrating. You have to just learn to let it go though. Thankfully DH makes enough that it never interfered with his obligations to our household or lifestyle.


Now if what BM IS asking for is causing your bills not to be paid then that is another issue.

Rags's picture

The problem with all of the OT is that it jacks up DH's income and he pays more in CS.  They do not set CS based on base wage or salary, they base it on annual income from the most recent year. OT, bonuses, profit sharing, selling stock, etc... can all have a major impact on CS.

$1700/mo is notably high for a $30/hr earner.  My DW received $110/mo for a year, then $133/mo for 9 years, then $785/m for two years, then $385/mo for 6 years.  SS-28 is an only child for us but is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock children by three different baby mamas for his bio dad.  He worked a bunch under the table.  Even when we took video to court of him accepting cash and not providing receipts the Judge just set that aside.  But it was fun to bare his ass in court.

Unfortunately the CPBM nearly always seems to have a notable advantage in court. Sadly, it more often than not is all about the money and not which parent is of superior quality for raising the kid(s).

BethAnne's picture

Personally I always viewed it as a debt that my husband had comming into our marriage that I knew about, along with his other debts. Just as he knew about my student loan debt. We were open and honest with each other about our financial situation before we got married. That way child support never bothered me. What did bother me was when he gave her extra money above child support.

If your step daughters are adequatley fed, clothed and housed and also get to do things beyond that at BM's expense then the money is being used for its purpose, even if BM assigns the actual money she recives to extra house payments or for her new car - there is still money being spent on things for the step kids. It does sound like a large payment but unfortunately we have to work within the system and if that is what was calculated by your local courts then that is what the payment is.

Another way to move past it is that you stop paying towards you husband's kids. Just as  BM's husband has no obligation to support them, neither do you have any obligation. 

Time is also a great healer. This is still fresh if you were just finished with mediation. Give it time, focus on yourself and your interests and your hatred will move into the background or disapear altogether.   

weightedworld's picture

In my situation his is $527 plus $147 Medical. + half of all extra curricular expenses. 

That was based upon her not working and basing her income on minimum wage. She ran him through child support as he got behind because he couldn't afford it the way it was to begin with. so add an extra $200 a month in total CS takes $804 a month out of his check. (1 child)

He went through Child Support Recovery to have things looked at because she was running her own in home daycare (the dad to her other 2 kids no longer has child support because he had funding to fight her and her income)

She lied on her income and stated that she only received $1,100 a month. She purchased a house at $60k 4 years ago (with no income - her father co-signed) a brand new car I'll say $15k for easy figuring. This last year she purchased a bar at $26x,xxx (ope, but she put the bar in her dads name so she can cover her income (hes been heard, he's only there for legality and has nothing to do with it, its all her)) and at the end of 2020 she purchased a house at the price of $164,000(on her own) and let's not forget the brand new Buick Enclave for $30k between that bar and house purchase. She did say that her mortgage for the new house was 600 some dollars a month (she is low balling I just bought a house myself) so she is paying 2 cars, utilities, vehicle insurances, extra house payment on house 2, and her lavish coach and top of the line clothing for her and all 3 kiddos with that wopping $500 she has left over every month. 

The last it has been left with is she agrees to a lower amount and they can do it between an attorney or he is taking her to court and uncovering all of her 'income' as baby daddy #1 did. (He spoke to the bank and got pre-approved for the loan to do so) 

She is starting to bend and going towards agreeance as she had to prove to the mortgage company that she could afford ALL of those things (not including lavish purchases) to even get the loan. Smoking gun.. bring it B!tch!