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Do I need counselling?

stepmumB's picture

Hi, 

 

New to this so please bear with me. 

 

I am 31 years old, I have my 3 year old son and a 5 year old step daughter. Recently I am really struggling with step parenting, I find myself feeling resentful towards my SD and I feel like it is getting worse. My Husband only found out about his daughter when she was 2 years old, i was pregnant with our first child at thay point. 

 

Has anyone had these feelings? Or had help like counselling for these feelings? 

 

Thanks 

JRI's picture

I went to counseling for a different reason, overwhelmed with 3 boisterous SKs.  But I can say that it changed my life and 6 more, my DH, my 2 BKs and 3 SKs.  It certainly cant hurt you.  I was lucky in my counselor.  Im sure other wise people on here will tell you how to best choose one.  Good luck!

Iamwoman's picture

Hey, welcome to steptalk.

Your SD should 100% be your husband's responsibility. You did not make that child. He did.

 

stepmumB's picture

She was married to another man who was acting as my SD Dad and didn't want my husband to be in her life. Then her husband left her so she decided to get in touch with my husband and tell him he had a daughter. 

Chelseybychelsey's picture

I'm sorry.

That is a sucky situation to be in.

ldvilen's picture

You may not need counseling, but DH, SD and BM probably do, seperately.  What a mess!  I just get so angry at these BMs who use their kids for their own convenience.  BM thinks her daughter has a good, substitute "dad," so mom decides to play God and doesn't feel real bio-dad needs to know.  Then, the substitute "dad" takes off, and suddenly when it becomes more convenient for BM financially and otherwise to go back to bio-dad, she decides to notify him and say, "Oops!  My bad."  

I would definitely get a DNA test done before both your DH and you sign on any dotted line.  I hope you did something to confirm.  At this point, I wouldn't trust this BM to be honest about that or much else.  Sad thing is, BM will get all the empathy, and be considered a hard-working single mom and never remotely bear any kind of responsibility in this lifetime for playing games with her child.  Even tho. your DH had no clue, he'll still be thought of as a dead-beat and you as the woman in the way.

Hmm, now that I think about it, you should be getting counseling.  I'm sure you feel severely caught off guard by all of this, and can't help but resent both your DH and your SD, but you are probably transferring most to the SD, and she, of course, had no say in her birth.  What is your DH's thoughts on all of this?  Is BM showing signs of manipulation?  I can't help but think she is, because she already pulled quite the ruse for years on multiple people, including her own child.

Geesh.  Yes, see a counselor for yourself, if anything.  You need someone in your corner, and I'm not sure your DH will be, depending.  And never, ever forget.  YOU did not create this.  You did nothing wrong.  It is up to your DH to take full responsibility for HIS child.  It is not up to you to try to raise her as one of your own.  Be fair and cordial to her, yes; but, to raise her as your own--NO!  She already has a mom and dad, and probably isn't  too keen on dad anyway, because mom already pulled the wool over her eyes regarding another so-called "dad."  SD is young, but she is probably already wondering how long this dad will last.  Thanks to mom.

Hugs and kisses and best of luck to you!  Get the support YOU need.