Should I stay or should I go?
I'm almost 54, have been in this relationship for 7 years. My SO has 2 daughters age 11. We all live together in my house. She pays me some rent and we share a credit card that we use for food and household items.
we had been living together partly for 3 years but full time now for 1 1/2 years, and through covid. It's been hell. I can honestly say I do not like having kids. But I love my SO, the BM, but hate the living situation. We are not married, mainly my choice, and she has recently paid off all her debts and got a huge raise at work... makes WAY more $ than I do.
I have been wanting to leave but did not want to abandon them during covid. But now I need to make a move... but I love her and can't stand the thought of hurting her. I'm not sure how to go about this. And ofcourse I worry that I'll regret breaking up with her - that maybe I should wait , things might get better? I feel so trapped and unable to feel good about staying or leaving. She knows I struggle, we've had couples therapy, and I've even broke up with her 3 years ago saying I couldn't do it: move in with them- but I did. And now im here. Any advice? Should I set a deadline? They are 11 (twin girls) and if they get more difficult in the years to come I will regret not having got out now, since BM is at least in a good financial situation to live on their own. Any advice? Thank you.
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Every line that you wrote
Every line that you wrote indicates that you are not happy in this situation. I think you will have to tell your partner, as kindly as you can, that this just isn't working for you and you need her and her kids to move out. I wouldn't set a deadline - if she knows you well she will have an inkling what you are feeling and it will be really difficult for her. Better to be honest now.
It sounds like you know what
It sounds like you know what you want to do and the only thing holding you back is your concern for her feelings. Prolonging it will not make it any easier on her.
There is no easy way to break
There is no easy way to break up. You are clearly very unhappy. Time won't change that. The only fair thing for both of you is to end it. You don't need to give a deadline unless you see that after a week or 2 she isn't doing anything to prepare to leave. Ending things over the summer will be better for her kids incase there needs to be a change in schools attended.
Side note-As a mom of a 13 yr old currently giving me hell (she was a JOY and the bed kid ever until about 6 months ago) I can promise it will get worse.
Sir
Breaking up is hard to do. They wrote a song about that ya know.
You sound unhappy. You only have one chance at life, make it good for yourself.
Skids usually get worse not better unless your SO parents better. Do you see that happening? Does she defend her kids over you? Does she put her head in the sand regarding their behavior? Does she sqwash your needs over the kids when you think it matters? Do you two carve out time for eachother or is she all about the twins?
Twins. I was one, my sis passed away. Let me tell you from my experience. Twins work together for good and evil. So if you see evil watch out sir.
They are 11, it won't get
They are 11, it won't get better.
I’m still hanging in there : holidaze
Well I'm still in the relationship. Things got a little better after the kids went back to school. But still many not so good days. I'm thinking about going to couples counseling and just coming clean in session... say exactly how I feel. I guess I'm scared it will hurt SO and possibly ruin the holidays, especially right before thanksgiving. Should I wait until after the Holidays to rock the boat? My therapist says that maybe a separation could be good... I was hoping for any advice about just that , because asking her NOW for a "BREAK" might really hit the fan. I still love and adore SO, and actually like the kids, but living with all 3 is just really uncomfortable at times. I wish we lived separately.
So what is actually stopping
So what is actually stopping you from living separately? Thaty she might not be able to cope with her own kids? BTW, where is their father? He's supposed to have 30% custody. Listen to your therapist - they only have your wellbeing at heart. And do it NOW! Stop dragging your feet. Make it clear that you love her and her kids but that you can't live with them, that you're moving out to avoid making their lives miserable. Please, put yourself first for once.