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I've been MIA for about 6 months...

piegirl's picture

I've been so caught up in the busy-ness with my work of all things COVID, and no drama because zero contact with the skids. Sorry I haven't been around and I hope you've all been keeping safe and well.

Things had been going so great until a few days ago. It was sgkids birthday so DH decided to call his DD's phone. She didn't answer but sgkid called him back from her phone and they had a good conversation. Anyway, one thing led to another over the next couple of days which saw us in a bit of an argument. Then I got the following: according to DH he has 'given up over half his family for me' and that is due to the 'ultimatum I gave him to chose between his kids and I'. Nothing could be further from the truth - I have always been horrified that his kids asked him to chose between me or them - I have certainly never done that. Seems his estrangement from them has sadly festered into resentment toward me - feeling really down. 

Pie 

Rags's picture

Welcome back. It is good to see you again.  I am so sorry that you are back due to DH's loss of contact with his intellect.

I hope  you called him immediately on his bullshit inaccurate selective memory.

Take care of you.

piegirl's picture

Thanks Rags - good to be back and yes I did call him on it. He tried the whole you said it at the counsellor so there's evidence of it - of course I welcomed the opportunity to visit with the counsellor to check on this so called evidence....hmmm.....I bet DH doesn't make that appointment soon!

SacrificialLamb's picture

Of course you are going to get the blame for anything unsatisfactory in their lives.   It seems that he got an earful from his DD that he is not worshipping she and the holy sgkid enough, so now he is going to blame the easy target - you. 

Ask him for details on when you forced him to choose and why it was only for half of his family.  My OSD told DH that he chose me over her. She's married with children. I asked him why she thought she was eligible to be his wife. No answer. Fortunately he deals with that stupidity on his own now and I rarely hear about it.

My SDs, in their 40's, also blame me for them seeing their father less. They don't consider that:

1.  they make him uncomfortable with their games trying to force he and their mother together,  and their other unreasonable demands (like cancel your holiday plans at the last minute and go to them).  Men like their comfort most of all.  My DH knows that I did all I could to try to integrate families, only to be rebuffed and told I was not family. Ok then......dont' complain when this doesn't work out in your favor little princesses!

2.  it upsets him that they clearly do not care about his happiness, only that he is serving them

3.  he is tired that the roads only go one way to them. He has had to stay in hotels when he went to visit. We live in a vacation paradise and they could do the same, but no. OSD has been to a beach a few hours from our house 3 times in the last year, but can't lift a finger to visit her father.

4.  he is tired of their lack of respect

Also tell your DH you are completely fine with him going to see his kids on his own.  There is no chain around his neck.  You're happy to stay home and have some time to yourself.

Also ask your DH why he gave up half of his family, but not the other half. Why is there a difference in these halves?

These guys go right back to living in the Land of Denial when they don't have reminders periodically. 

piegirl's picture

Thanks Lamby!

The half he means refers to his DD's that refuse to speak to him and withhold the gskids from him. One of his DD's still speaks to him and sees him.

Pie 

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Then why in the hell did you stay if it ate away at you this much? You know DAMN WELL I didn't make you choose. Even if I did, you still had the CHOICE and CHOSE to cut them off. I WILL NOT be your emotional punching bag because you are upset at choices YOU made."

Don't let him tear you down just because he regrets his decisions. If he's going to resent you, then he damn well be prepared to act on it and leave. Otherwise, he better find out really quickly how to get the hell over it before you decide that cutting him out cuts out all your problems.

Movingonisbest's picture

Then I got the following: according to DH he has 'given up over half his family for me' and that is due to the 'ultimatum I gave him to chose between his kids and I

 

If that were my DH, I would tell him to go kick rocks. When a man takes on a wife, he forsakes all others for her. If he didn't want to do that, ask him why the hell did he get married. He needs to stop acting like a wuss. and bringing you down with that bs.

CLove's picture

Yeah, that sucks. Good for you that you put him straight on that.

Feral Forger SD21 has tried to do that periodically. For example the last time she asked to move back "into her old room", and told him "I wish you would choose me over your stupid wife for once!"

I like one of the above comments "and how did she become eligible to be your wife?"

There is no choosing, one over the other because they arent on the same level.

A VERY long time ago, DH said something like "if it werent for me choosing you, FF would be living with us". I shut that down with "oh you miss the drama and filth and lies and attitude????"

MissTexas's picture

your update.

Great that you've been busy and haven't had to see her!

Unfortunately that happens. And you have to know it is SD talking THROUGH DH. SHE IS TELLING HIM THAT YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, and YOU ARE THE REASON FOR THEIR RIFT. Do not let it get to you, as you know the truth!

SHE is N-O-T-H-I-N-G to you! Her vote does not count. 

You need to remind your DH what marriage is and WHO HE IS MARRIED TO. That was HIS CHOICE, and you are not forcing him to choose, but as my pastor put it, (to my DH) "If your daughter forces you to choose, you have to choose MissTexas, because SHE IS YOUR WIFE!" Marriage is a covenant with a contract, parenting is not. Marriage comes FIRST, being at an ADULT CHILD'S service, to answer to their every WHIM IS NOT!

Catmom024's picture

Hmmm.  Grandchildren, just by their very existence, are the skid's ultimate pawn.  The carrot that gets dangled.  After talking to his grandchild the guilt must have kicked in hard.  Unfortunately when there is irrational guilt lots of times these guilty daddies...now guilty grandfathers...need a scapegoat because they can't handle the truth.

Unfortunately my SO's daughter also reproduced.  What a shit show.