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DP got a taste of what I've been going through

Kiwichick's picture

SD7 has a bad attitude toward me, partly because she's a mini wife, partly because of brainwashing from her NPD BM, and partly because she's never been parented. DP knows how I feel about how SD7 treats me.

I've been having trouble with BD14's disrespectful attitude lately. She's lost privileges like her phone, her bedroom door, and screen time. There have been other consequences too.

Last night she was rude to DP and he felt like I backed her up. He was upset/hurt/angry about it. Later she lashed out at him again and he went to the shed. I told her how her attitude and behaviour hurts those around her. I asked if we've ever given her a reason to treat us the way she has been lately. She said no we haven't. I gave her two choices; go and give him a sincere apology and explanation for her behaviour, or write it down and give it to him. She struggles with verbal communication so she opted for the letter. I believe it was heartfelt because she broke down in tears a couple of times writing it. She gave it to him and he read it. He had a chat with her afterwards and hugged her. Later I saw him crying for the first time.

In the past he's talked to SD7 about how she treats me but he doesn't pull her up when she's being rude/mean/disrespectful. SD7 will look at both of us as she's doing/saying something she knows isn't ok, and he doesn't pull her up. There's no consequences for SD7. Meanwhile BD14 has lost privileges and has to face consequences for her bad behaviour/attitude. Yet somehow I'm not addressing it? DP doesn't deserve her mistreating him, yet I somehow it's ok for me to be mistreated by SD7? 

Comments

tog redux's picture

So - did you say to him, "You know how you felt when DD treated you that way? That's how I feel when SD treats me that way. I gave DD consequences. Can we agree that SD needs consequences also, when she behaves that way?"

But if I remember right, your DP is not so good at seeing other people's needs, just his own.

Kiwichick's picture

Yes, we've talked since I posted that. I pointed out that I feel the same way when SD7 mistreats me and he just stands by and allows it. I pointed out there's consequences for BD14 but never any for SD7. He said he's going to work on it and try to do better in the future. 

ITB2012's picture

It never comes. 

Ive had plenty of talks with DH and promises of things changing in "the future." It wasn't until I put my foot done that it changed now AND I basically gave DH consequences for things that things did start to change. (Like I stopped doing some things and he didn't like it but those were my consequences/boundaries for what was going on.)

Ispofacto's picture

"SD7 will look at both of us as she's doing/saying something she knows isn't ok, and he doesn't pull her up."

Seems like she wants to be corrected.  I'm not being sarcastic.  Setting limits is one of the ways parents show their children love, and it makes the children feel more secure.  For real.  DH needs to know that.