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A step in the right direction

Kiwichick's picture

Today I disengaged completely from all the kids not just SD7. I also did zero around the house. Dinner was canned stew stirred through some rice. Everyone had to wash their own plates and cutlery because none were clean. I said I wasn't hungry and left DP to handle the kids. It opened his eyes to how much I do around the place and how much effort goes into parenting the kids.

I want to point out that he thanks me daily for all that I do and tells me I'm amazing and all that stuff. We own a business that we're in the middle of making changes to so that he can have more family time. 

He found out that all the kids had been asked multiple times to do simple tasks and hadn't. SD7 was trying to act all perfect in front of him, but the fact her hair was halfway to dreadlocks proved she was just as guilty. So he made sure they ate All their dinner, he made them clean up the kitchen, dining area, and bathroom, and he got them off to bed. He had to deal with detangling the almost-dreadlocks. 

I think today opened his eyes to how poorly behaved and dismissive of me his little angel really is, and the effect her attitude and behaviour is having on the entire family.

Yesterday we took the family to a trampoline park and he saw first hand why his little angel doesn't have any friends. SD7 latched on to a 5 year old girl she'd never met before and started bossing her around. At one point she had the girl pinned up against a wall and was talking very animatedly into her face while the girl cowered. Then she grabbed the girl by the wrist and dragged her across the length of the park while the girl was trying to get away. DP went to intervene and while he was walking towards her he saw her rake her fingers across my BS8's throat as she clotheslined him. Later she joined in a game of tag with some other kids but when she was it she'd full on punch them, usually in the face. She would also repeatly "accidentally" kick kids while jumping on the trampolines. He couldn't blame her behaviour on anyone else. The scales are finally falling from his eyes and I don't think he likes what he's seeing. 

TLDR; DP is realising his little angel is actually a little demon and she's turning my kids into demons too. 


thinkthrice's picture

(SD in my case) at that age.  Never expect the scales to come off completely though.  Good for you to disengage.  And keep your kids as far away as possible from his ferals!

somethingwicked's picture

What a little monster.DH has a budding sociopath  in his DD7..she needs psychiatric intevention.

And good for you stepping back and out.Stay there .

Kiwichick's picture

Thank you. DP and I looked into therapy for her but no one would take her on. It's the usual ambulance at the bottom of the cliff; she'd have to do something horrific like torture animals to death before anything would be done. She's learnt well from NPD BM and knows how to put on a good show in front of the right people. 

somethingwicked's picture

WEll that's weird that no one in the child psychiatry community would see this kid who needs help unles she kills something.

And no child is good enough to fake every specialist. DH could film his  devil kid on the playground terrorizing as you've described.Show the shrink.


Does DH lack health insurance?

There are some free clinics.But he's going to have to do the work to find someone in the position of treating disturbed children for discount or free. Start with the child's pediatrician. That is where DH may get some info for a therapist.

Otherwise this way of life for everyone  is ridiculous as  his kid suffers in her sickness.


Kiwichick's picture

Money and insurance aren't the problem. We're in rural New Zealand so options are extremely limited. And the mental health system in this country is a joke. Unless you're a serious danger to yourself or others, you don't get help. 

tog redux's picture

Is this a New Zealand thing (going by your username) that no therapist would see her? In the US a therapist can see anyone.

Kiwichick's picture

Yup definitely a New Zealand thing. It's no wonder our prisons are so full and our suicide rate is so high. 

somethingwicked's picture

That's so very sad.

Maybe find a nice fresh road kill and take it to her pediatrician~ see what skid is doing? ran it over on her bike..

NotCinderellasmom's picture

Here I goes....

If you disengage make sure you things around the house to your liking. What I mean is I disengaged for several years. only washed dishes when I felt like it never cleaned the extra bathroom. But one day I looked up and my house is a mess, SD thought I wasnt saying anything to her about s@#t attitude because she was in the right or I was scared of her. She was making these awful comments to me and I was ignoring her because I decided not to teach her manners or about being respectful because she is some one elses probable. 

BUt no matter how much you disengage, if the SK is in your house it is still your problem. NOt to mention if you have bio kids watching the SK get away with things.....

Kiwichick's picture

Thank you I appreciate your advice. I like my house clean and tidy and normally ensure that everyone contributes to keeping it so. Yesterday was like a mini holiday for me but with the added perk of making it DP's problem.

As for disengaging from SD7, I still make sure she's disciplined for breaking the rules, and she still has to keep the house clean and tidy. And I make sure my kids are safe. When her dad's around her dad's around I make everything to do with her his problem. I point out when she's rude or a bully or a slob. I point out she needs to do her hair. But I make it his problem. If my kids see DP let her get away with something I say loud enough for DP to hear that "I know it's not fair but he has different rules for her" It guilts him in to stepping up his game.

If SD7 hadn't improved so much since DP and I got together I would've called it quits and walked away from this relationship.