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Car Money - A Vent

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So finances, obviously a disagreement in most marriages...  Causes AT LEAST a little bit of contention.  Typically, our finances are seperate.  He pays certain bills, I pay certain bills, we split groceries and we do what we want with the rest. (never much... I try and put some up, right now I'm paying for school and two cars though... So....)

So my little car died. we're talking dead-dead, even if I had the money, it would cost more than the car is WORTH to get it fixed died.  So I replaced it with a new one, BUT I still owed on the last one.  So I took out a short-term personal loan to cover the rest of what I owed so I could get a title, and found someone who would come and get the car, pay me some money (thankfully, more than I was expecting!), and I signed over the title.

So yesterday they came and picked up the car,  awesome.  Yay for having money!  Took the morning off work to sign over the car and get the check.

SO DH turns to me: "So we can use this money for the girls for Christmas. LIke we can divide it in half and there's Christmas. The. He!!????  I told him no, he's pissed, but so am I.  I have made EVERY payment on this car,  I make more money so I've been paying a large chunk of bills, buy very few things for myself, and am financially stretched as thin as I can go right now, and here we are, him thinking MY CAR MONEY (which I still have to pay on the dang car) should go to THE KIDS for Christmas.  OH, then I was like "well I need it, and besides, I have to figure out Christmas for you." And he said "well we don't need anything for Christmas." MY A$$.  Last year he tried to ask for money from me so he could get me Christmas.  NO.  I don't need something crazy, but I'm not paying for my own damn s***fucking Christmas.  So no, this year, he can make that up to me, and actually GET ME SOMETHING BESIDES A PRINT OF A SHARK (which I did love... But the fact he was buying himself so much s*** and thought I should pay him so he would have more money for me, pissed me off).

To top it off, I forgot to dress up today (I always try and dress nice on 9/11 in memory...) because I was dealing with kids, DH wouldn't get out of bed, and SD10 was trying to tell me there was a coyote outside that was going to get her (I checked... It was a dog, a friendly one at that... And also... The coyote isn't going to eat her... They're skittish and run off...) so she almost missed the bus.  Meanwhile I've told DH to get up and help like 6 times, but he was up so late playing his stupid a$$ video game ad likely took sleeping pills to sleep, so he was basically dead.

AND last night, I got home from work and the gym, exhausted and starving... No food... Okay... Walk into the bedroom. SD6 is in there EATING FOOD IN THE BED AND WATCHING TV, Then Dh pops behind me, "don't worry, I told her she could."  So then we argued about that, becuase we've forking discussed this.  The kid doens't need to 1) be hanging in our room, and 2) EATING FOOD IN THE BED (and leaving crumbs everywhere).  So then I throw food in the instant pot, kick SD6 out of the room and start studying.  I leave for a minute to check on food and take a small study break.  Come back, SD6 has come back is trying ot turn her forking show back on.  So I kick her out again and tell her not to go back in there. Where is DH? Playing his dumb game.

So the dinner is done, which I thought was delicious.  Did everyone else? Of course not. Why? Because it was Medditeranian lemon garlic chicken and potatoes... And it had zuchinni and bell peppers in it.  So apparently that was gross, and they shouldn't have to eat that, and why is there green stuff? And DH even started telling me how the chicken was tender, but the skin was flavored and the inside was bland, and I didn't need to put veggies in there. Fork that crap.  It's what I made, I enjoyed it, and they can cook for themselves if they hate it so much.

Anyways, I'm a lovely flaming ball of rage today. Thanks for letting me vent.  There were some good things in there, And besides yesterday and this morning I have to admit DH has been stepping it up a lot.  BUT I'm not in the mood to talk about that, I'm too busy being pissed off right now.


hereiam's picture

Your DH doesn't have a lot of common sense, does he? I mean, you took out a loan to pay off your dead car, any money you got from dead car is not fun money, nor Christmas money for the girls.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank. You.  That's how I felt.  It's money so I can pay some of it off and maybe stress less about how much money I still owe on a dead car.

Unless you ask DH... Then it's Christmas money... Even though we agreed on a small Christmas this year... Because they have plenty of crap.

ITB2012's picture

if he thought he might have a chance at some of it, he should have been more polite (and circumspect): "What are you planning on doing with the money?" Then you could have told him about having to still pay off the car loan and he could have just shut his trap.

Chmmy's picture

I hope you are in school so you can get a better job and launch the fuck outta there.

If DH told a nasty ass skid they can sit in and/or eat on my bed Id never fuck him in that bed again & he'd be in the guest room.

Most of the time I get the skids off to school cuz DH is working but the day he slept in and went in to work late I told him the second the kids are up and he got straight up to get HIS kids off to school. 

You should be buying none of HIS kids christmas presents. Tell his video game playing ass to get a 2nd job. I will not complain about my husband once today after reading this...but dont worry I'll be back to complaining tomorrow.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It's so I can get a better job that I actually like.  This one is paying the bills, BUT it's been soul sucking and low-paying.  So I needed someting new.  My current degree only hires in a few locations, and moving to either of those would be SUPER expensive, and I've been out for 3 years, so I'm behind at this point.

YES.  I'm sorry.  I don't even like him or myself eating on the bed and we're careful about it... Let alone SD6 making an absolute mess!!!

I'll get them up no issue, they're pretty self-sufficient most mornings.  But when they're not being and I try and get him up several times, THAT peeves me.  Because I'm getting ready too, I don't have time to deal with his crap.

I HATE video games. With a damn passion.  What he needs to do is quit his job and get a new one.  His current one pays low for his job...  He could make more pretty well anywhere else (with a few exceptions).  There is ZERO need to be working there.  There are bills, and if there's a possibility for higher earning AND THEY WANT HIM.  He needs to be doing that. imho.

Also complain away.  Me being a ball of rage doesn't mean that you don't have a reason to complain too!

futurobrillante99's picture

Your DH might be stepping it up a lot lately, but he's an INGRATE. You have busted your ass to make it possible for him to finish schooling. Now that he's working, he needs to GROW THE EFF up and be a PARTNER.

I would honestly go on strike if he continues this bratty, selfish, childish behavior.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's how I feel Futuro.  He's stepping it up, But all this in 2 days??? Fork that.

I told my sister this morning I'm telling work I'll travel.... Preferably for a week straight.  He'll have to figure out his own s*** with me being gone.  I've avoided travel because 1) I like being home with the fur babies, and 2) It didn't fit the schedule we had figured out.  But frankly, I think a dose of reality would do him good.

ESMOD's picture

I would 100% use that money towards the loan on the car you no longer owe.  Maybe even redo the loand to get a lower pmt if there is some left still. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

There will still be some left. So that's how I feel too.  My biggest thing is that, it's my car, I've made all the payments on it.  So it really pisses me off that he feels he really has any say with how I spend that money.

hereiam's picture

Oh yeah, I forgot about letting the kid eat in your bed. Gross, gross, gross. I would have made him strip the bed and put fresh sheets on.

Our bedroom is a no food zone. Funny story, DH bought a weighted blanket and after about a week or so, there were all of these "crumbs" in our bed and we were perplexed because we both think that eating in bed is nasty, so we knew the other hadn't done it. Turns out, it was the tiny glass beads, that had made their way through the seams of the weighted blanket!

If he wants to play his dumb video games in his spare time, that is one thing, but he needs to be adult enough to know when that spare time really is, and when to put it away and go night night.

Sleeping pills have to be taken when there is enough time left to sleep!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I HATE food in the bedroom... It's disgusting!  I stripped the bed... While being pissed off... Oops!

I didn't realize that weightedb lankets could do that... LMAO

Yes and Yes to those last two things... He goes through phases... It's either NO video games, or 24/7 video games... He sucks at moderation with them. UGH.

ndc's picture

Oh, PA, this post made me angry - probably angrier than any other post I've seen on here (and there have been some doozies!).  Why?  Because I thought that after all you had sacrificed, financially, emotionally and with your time, so that your DH could get his education and keep his bills paid and his family together, that he would step up once he graduated.  But it's pretty obvious that it hasn't happened.

What happened to HIM getting up with the kids in the morning?  Why isn't HE parenting his children, making them obey the rules and eat their dinners without complaining?  Apparently, it's because he's selfish and unappreciative and behaving like a child himself.  If he can't go to bed at a decent hour so he can get up and fulfill his obligations in the morning, follow the rules about eating in the bedroom or be gracious when his wife makes him a nice meal, why in the world would anyone expect that his KIDS would behave any different?

Don't even get me started on the money from the car.  That money should go straight to paying off the personal loan you had to take out for the car.  There should be no thought of using it for Christmas or anything else.  That attitude - "oh, there's money, quick, let's spend it on something I want" - is what keeps people from getting ahead.  You are financially prudent, but your DH (and it would appear his entire family) are not.  You cannot let them drag you down with their fiscal irresponsibility.

You need a come to Jesus meeting with your husband.  He needs to understand that your financial sacrifices, and you being the primary caretaker for HIS children, was a temporary thing, while he got his education and got himself on his feet.  Those days are gone.  HE NEEDS to step up and take over that responsibility.  He NEEDS to get the best paying job he can with the degree he has, and not just stay where it's comfortable and easy.  And it's your time.  It's time for him to express his gratitude for all you've done for him and his kids and his damn extended family and start to take care of YOUR desires.  Moving away from Psycho and his family, to an area where you can thrive, would be first on the list.  Don't let him continue to get away with pushing things off on you and doing what HE wants - you need to let him know that the current status quo is not how it's going to be going forward.

((HUGS)) to you.  I hope you can get him in line quickly.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thanks ndc.

I do need to meet with him... I mean he!!, I can still help. It's just that though. HELP. Not Do. HELP.  I have enough going on! He works tonight, but the kids are gone this weekend.  So I think Friday night, when it's just us, is the perfect night for that discussion.

Thank you! I'm just stressed and angry today!

Gimlet's picture

Thank you for saying this.  I'm also sitting here boiling.

PAI, you already know how I feel about your husband, but I truly ask you to take a long, hard look at this.

You are a caring, strong, empathetic woman and you deserve so much more than this.  Carrying his baggage around has got to be exhausting.  He needs to get his shit together, like yesterday.

I seriously want to come over and curb stomp him. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thanks Gimlet.  I really hope you know much I love your feedback.

I'm looking at it pretty hard right now.  I am exhausted, and I'm sick of carrying EVERYTHING around.

I might beat you to it if I don't get some change, and fast.

Iamwoman's picture

His addiction to video games is no better than an addiction to alcohol or drugs. It is clearly affecting him physically (too tired to engage with you or his kids), and having an impact on the entire household.

If he can’t meet ALL of his responsibilities before playing games, AND be willing and ready to put the controller down for anything and everything that you or his own kids may need, then he has a very serious addiction problem.

Also, you’re better than me PA. Add his lack of ambition to everything else, and I don’t see a man. I see an “it” who needs to grow up and grow a pair. Lack of ambition in a man just turns my stomach. Men are wired to be providers. A man who isn’t intrinsically motivated to provide for his wife and kids is just as bad as a woman who fails to nurture her children.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Iamwoman.  Legitimately I've missed you!!!  

Maybe the PS4 needs to have a few internal screws come loose... I know enough about the hardware I could unhook a few things and at least delay it... Give him the chance to interact more with the family.  And hopefully take a break from that mess.

I'm in no way better... I think my anger was just so delayed, that now when I get angry about things, I'm like a little volcano about ready to blow.  It does frustrate me.  He should be providing more imho.

Iamwoman's picture

Hey, you’re missed as well. I’ve been on FB more than STalk lately. If you need a break from it all, drive your nice new car to FL and we’ll hit the beach.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We can be grumpy together.  It's definitley not a contest.  What's yours been up to?

Merry's picture

Uhm, nothing. Except his pet projects. Dishes? Nope. Oh I take that back. He very proudly announced yesterday that he ran the dishwasher. Truth. I went to unload this morning and he hadn’t rinsed and just piled things up. So had to be undone and redone. 

I left it to him and went to work. He said he was sorry for being so lazy. I said he was just sorry. 

The grown man acts like a spoiled brat. I don’t know who he thinks is going to clean up after him because it’s not me. 

There. I feel better. But you still win.  

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Men! I get it!

Hopefully he did the dishwasher right the second time??? Becasue that would annoy me to high heaven.

ndc's picture

My dad can load a dishwasher.  He can also wash dishes by hand, scrub floors, vacuum, and do laundry.  Men who can't do that stuff just don't try.

Siemprematahari's picture

1) The car money is for you to do as you wish. He gets no say on where it goes and how it's spent, the freaking nerve to even think he has a say.

2) No video games for him if he can't get himself up in the morning to see the kids off and make sure they are out the house for school. It's like having another kid in the house for goodness sake!

3) There is absolutely under NO circumstances........should any child be allowed to eat in your room on your bed. Has he lost his common sense? Has that video game fried his brain?

You have sacrificed and DONE a lot for him and his kids. It's time that he shows MORE appreciation for you and what you offer. He has stepped up but not enough and he needs to get it together like NOW.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

You're right on all accounts...

Also as for number 3, I'm fairly willing to bet, that SD6 wanted to play on the PS4, but so did DH, so he probably used the room to bribe her, obviously NOT OKAY, and frankly selfish as he!!.

I think based on the advice (which thank you everyone seriously!) I'm going to take a few days to decide what I want to say, then when the kids are gone Friday, we're going to discuss. Frankly whether he wants to or not.  Because I can't live like this.  I can't feel this stressed and under-helped... If I wanted to do it on my own, I would, just without kids, so that would be a million times easier.

AlmostGone83's picture

Addicted to video games? What a huge turn off. I will never understand how some women put up with their grown husbands playing those things. I really feel sorry for the women of the younger generation as it seems very common. Time to grow up. Your DH is acting like a teenager. Work, bills and taking care of responsibilities (HIS kids) are the signs of a grown up MAN not a boy. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It is! LIke I get video games! I like them too! BUT, I don't like them being played 24/7.  I think there's a time and a place, but responsibilities come FIRST!!!

notarelative's picture

A discussion this weekend (when the kids are gone) is a good idea. It gives you time to think about what you will say and be able to clearly state what you want/ need.

Car money isn't his to use. He needs to understand that it is money that needs to go to old car loan. It is not found money for him. It is your money, from your old car, and goes to pay your bills. Even if it were his money from the sale of his old car, it would need to go toward the new car purchase. Bills come first.

Kid in bed. NO. If it occurs again, he strips the bed, washes and dries the sheets, and remakes the bed.

Kid eating. Instead of giving the kid a snack he should have made them supper. If he had, the kid would have been more willing to eat when the meal was prepared.

Don't like what I cook. It's time to split the cooking duties. He cooks on nights that his schedule is like yesterday.

DH got a lot of passes and support from you when he was in school. School is finished. He needs to step up to the plate and support you.





ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I agree. I think I'm going to bring up a LOT of that this weekend as well. Friday night is a good night to get EVERYHING out there. Then hopefully there's some actual change started after that.

Siemprematahari's picture

Good idea ProbablyAlready. You both can sit alone and put your cards on the table.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yup! Also It's nice to have you all to bounce things off of.  I've gotten a few things here written down, that way I can go in with a clear idea Smile

Aniki's picture

Obviously, your DH needs one of Aniki's Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punches to dislodge his head from his backside...

When I was married to psycho exh and we were strapped for money, we had a rule that we only bought each other a small gift for Christmas, like a cd or dvd or something inexpensive the other liked. I used to buy him silly boxers and he loved them. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Please and thank you!!!

Also that makes sense... Keeping it small, but still just giving a small thing that shows that you care Smile

advice.only2's picture

I know when you and DH first got together he was living with his parents because of all the debt his ex left him with, but I'm beginning to think it wasn't just her.

It sounds like your DH doesn't know how to budget or how to prioritize his time. He needs to be on top of everything with his daughters and only relying on you when he absolutely can't be there.

Instead he has left it all up to you while he plays video games, fritters money away and acts affronted when you tell him to step up and adult.

You need to lay it out there for him, you are there by choice but you can walk away at any time, you don't need him or rely on him for anything. He on the other hand sounds like he would end up living with mommy and daddy raising his kids for him until he found another woman who can come and take care of him. You are not his mommy, he needs to man up and be an adult and father. He chose to stick his d*ck in crazy and procreate, now he needs to step up and be there.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank you both.... HOnestly I think he probably caused more than he let on.

I know a lot of it was her, it lines up with deployment dates, her car was her, loan was her... But some of the credit cards, idk...  But regardless, we're not doing that crap.

We're going to discuss Friday (he doesn't really have a choice here). I'll have to let you know how it goes.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I have always been critical of your DH because of his inability to step up and help with his own kids. In the past, the excuse was because he was in school and working. Now, he is not going to school and he is still not helping like he should. The next time he won't get up in the morning, dump a glass of water on his head. That will get him up, sleeping pill or not.

I know you don't want the girls to pay the price, but you need to take drastic action to get him to start doing his share. If he just came off a 24 hour shift, that would be one thing. Being tired because he is playing video games is inexcusable. If not for you, he would still be living with parents and he would probably not have primary custody of his girls. He owes you big time.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I agree, with all of this, so genuinely thank you for the reminder :)  He doesn't have a valid excuse, I'm in school now and STILL having to do crap.  So he can step it up!

ITB2012's picture

And I agree with everyone.

Thought: instead of waiting for the company to send you on a trip, perhaps you could let it be known to co-workers that you are available to do house-sitting? Would be a way you could get away without having to pay for it, too. It'd be great if something took you out of the house for a while so he'd have to take the reins and when you get back you just don't pick them back up.

Or, hm, you move all of the kids stuff into your bedroom and all of your stuff into their bedroom(s) and live there and drop the reins completely while still in the house. It'd be a PITA to move it all, but it would make a huge point.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I could do something like that! I'll let some people know today, idk if it'l go anywhere, but maybe it will.

LMAO.  Same wavelength.  I was thinking of ways last night to convert the garage to a room for me, even if it's just a place I could escape to.. Blissfully away form everyone else, my own space!!!  Sure they'll run rampant in the house, but not my problem.  Plus there's enough space in the garage, that the furbabies could come and chill with me and play too. Win Win.  Just have to get the motivation to put in that much effort... I already have a spare bed frame out there.