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Disengaged and practicing the pause

Sam2's picture

Well I've done a lot of thinking since the OMG.  Up until the incident that started this journey I had been disengaged.  I made what would get eaten and was easy on the budget.   I made sure there was SS food in the house but didn't go out of my way to get special food.   My bio-kids like Macaroni and Cheese for lunch at times so its usually in the house.  I let his dad buy anything else his son would eat and life was what is was.  I was also practicing what was known at the pause. I had read a article that hit home with me.  I tend to act impulsively and had started to pause before I say something.  I don't know , I was tired , his son had joined us for dinner because it was one of his favorites and the excuses could go on .  I didn't practice my pause.  The incident in question was when SD was visting we had a party .  Alchohol was served.   His daughter was 20 at the time but living in a country that didn't have a drinking age.  Her mother had always let her drink.  So needless to say his daughter got drunk.  I ddn't like it but if he let her that was his decision.   Fast forward two weeks after the party, I run into several people from the party who asked if I approved on his daughter drinking at the party (they knew her age) and whether my job ( I'm a educator) was in jeoparady since there were high ups from the district present at the party.  Food for thought and needless to say I dwelled.   Then my parents came for Christmas.   They asked about the driniking incident as well as if this child being out school would affect my job.  More dweling.   So when he and his dad were joking about his son having a drink at dinner I blew it.  I brought forth the incident that had been dwelling in my head.   I said sorry, out of line and thought move on.   Everyone makes mistakes and forgot abouit the incident.  Two days later when all kids are out of the house his dad says we need to talk, tells me I'm a hypocrite and asks me to explain myself.  I immediately go on the defensive "what" . I was a hypocrite because on Christmas Eve dinner , I offered the two oldest boys a drink of Sangria.  My son is 20.  It was one drink, his first drink and special occasion.  My parents had offered me drinks at this age on special nights.  Didn't think anything of it.  DH had become convinced that my son was drunk and since I went off I was hyprcrite for geting on his daughter's case when my own son was drunk.   The defense was that hsi daughter lives in a country that doesn't have a drinking age.  Once again , I didn't follow my own rules and brought in other incidents.   

Now today.   After reading what disengagement is and realizing he practices it with my kids and I had been practiicng it with his .  I realize I need to just let be what I cannot change.  I need to be comfortable in his love for me because frankly our love will be there after the kids have moved out. I will bring up incidents that need to be brought up at the time of their occurance, not later.  When I am comfronted with something he has brought up, I will stick to the issue he has brought up and not bring in other issues.  When I feel attacked or feel he is out of line.  I.E. getting on my chidlren's cases for something he lets his son get away with.  I will let him know.  So here's to better communication.   

Which brings to mind another thing.  Putting in the blog because writing it down will help me remmeber.  I have my daughter pay for her phone  and her portion of the car insurance as well as the gas for her car. I also expect her to pay for her own entertainment.  She has a good job, she can afford it. My sons pay for their own entertainment.  All  my kids have been doing this since their dad and I divorced.  My daughter has a lot of maturity on her and realized life isin't fair.  SS got his driver's license , doesn't pay anything toward his insurance.  His mother pays for his phone so that is a non-issue.   However, DH gave him a credit card to use for gas.  Since he has the habit of going to rescue all his friends, convinces his friends to buy him lunch in exchange for a ride , he goes through quite a lot of gas.  So anyway, my daughter realizes that she pays for things his son doesn't have to.   I tell her she'll be better off as she realizes the value of money and responsibility.   So here's to going back to what worked, disengagement.  Let him parent his son, I'll parent mine.    I will appreciate that he changes the oil in my daughter's car, fixes any problems he can, keeps air in the tires of my son's bikes and will drive my son when necessary.  I won't over analyze what doesn't need it and let things be that I cannot change.  Appreciate what I have and accept that his son is in couseling for a reason and don't make his problems my problems.  

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

It's legal in many states (including yours) for parents to give their kids alcohol in the home. In my state, they can even purchase it for kids to drink outside the home. So I don't think letting a 20-year-old drink will affect your license.  Classless to let her get drunk (on his part), but not illegal.

BUT, the larger issue is that your DH coddles his son and he's going to be living in your basement until he's 40. Why does a kid who refuses to come to dinner and screams at his father have a car? He's clearly not mature enough.  And free gas? Get a job.

Sam2's picture

So its Sunday.  We went out to lunch and lo and behold call from SS about halfway through lunch.  Of course his son didn't need anything.  Luckily the call ended quickly and I made a comment about why did he call then, we've been doing this for awhile.  His dad just shook his head.  I refrained from don't answer but made a point of taking my phone out of my purse and looking at "hmm no texts or calls from mine.  Guess its all good.  We get home and sit down in our office, we're there for about 30 minutes before "Dad!"  "what!"  "come down here."  I couldn't hear very well but did hear something "they should be open , you'll have to go over on your own, I have to work."  type of thing.  His son then went back into his room, shut the door and its all quiet.  So glad my kids are more indepdent , capable to handle two hours with their mom out of the house, especially if its been going on five years now.  I do have to wonder , how will this child navigate the world when he is 18 and no longer can call daddy down to his room. I do wonder about DH being at his beck and call but that's his problem and not mine.  

Sam2's picture

Yes I realize he's probably not leaving at 18.  So I have a question.  In terms of disengagement.   Tonight about 4:30 he once again called his dad down to his room.  This conversation apparently centered on the fact that he was hungry.  Dad replied don't know, not hungry had a big lunch that type of thing then ended with I'll let you know.   He came up and I said it wasn't like he was going to join us anyway.   I mentioned we would do our usual Sunday night dinner of cheese platter if we get hungry as I don't usually cook on Sunday.  It is usually just me and DH.  DD takes care of herself.  He has done this in the past, once I naively , ok people are hungry I'll cook.  Three of us ate, the one who initiated it came up well after we went to bed and made nachos for himself.  Not going to fall for that again.   If I get hungry I'll make something for myself, DD has eaten leftovers tonight and DH is probably not hungry but he can take care of himself.  

Then that decided in my brain, I went grocery shopping for the week.  We didn't need much , just a few items to make the meals I planned this week.  As I was leaving it was announced we were out of chicken nuggets.  Those are a staple for him.  As my sons also eat them I agreed I would buy a bag of chicken nuggets.  Went out to my car, he came out before I pulled out of the driveay.  SS wanted pizza, could I pick up a box of those pizza sticks he likes.  I replied "im not going to Sam's today."  "Oh is that where we get them, well I'm sure the other store will have some, we all eat them.  "  Correction, he eats them somewhat and SS hasn't had them for months.  So now internal debate.  I am throwing out the last of the "get more of" ,  after some debate I decided I would see if the store had them. They did a two pack so I picked a box up.   So question, when I go to Sam's next should I ipick up a big box or leave it for his father to pick up if he so wants those.  

Now as I am sitting here updating this blog, SS comes up in reply to text from his father about there being two pizza sticks in the freezer.  He opens the freezer, closes it and goes back downstairs.  So big question, will the pizza sticks be there in the morning or will they have gotten eaten tonight after 8.  

I figure he can do what my DD has done on some Sundays, she orders a pizza to be delivered and pays for it herself.  Novel idea.  Want pizza, you're 16 , get a pizza.    I also figure if I had ordered a pizza because all this talk about pizza has made me hungry for pizza, he probably wouldn't have joined us when it arrived hot and ready instead electing to reheat it after 8 when everyone else is asleep.   

I think I am more amused than irritated at this point.  I was nice, bought two pizza sticks, didn't go out of my way to go to a store I wasn't plannig on going to buy food items he may or may not eat since I purchased them.  

 

tog redux's picture

You can buy stuff for him when you shop if DH asks, just don't go out of your way to do it. The point is not to punish him, just to not care what he eats. If DH wants to let him eat crap or prepare special stuff, who cares. As long as you don't have to do it. 

Sam2's picture

That's what I figured.  I'll get some when I go to Sam's next. However, won't feel obligated if these pizza sticks are still in the freezer.  I don't like wasting food.