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Just seeking support

clover63's picture

Hi there

We've had quite a night in our household. I am a stepmom to 3 children, 13, 20, and 22.  I have been in a domestic partnership with their father for over 11 years, and have been a full-time mom for my skids for almost 3 years due to their mother's instability.  Their father has grown increasingly unstable during the past 2-3 years due to unresolved childhood trauma and associated mental health issues.  His drinking has become problematic, and I discovered earlier this fall that he has been involved with another woman for months.  I decided in mid-October that I would initiate a conversation about separation, and two days later his ex-wife died by suicide.  I have scrambled to keep our household together in the wake of her death, and most importantly support my darling 13-year-old stepson as he not only grieves his mother but becomes increasingly aware of his father's dysfunction.  I have chosen not to pursue separation until after the holidays for obvious reasons, but have been working behind the scenes to get my ducks in a row in preparation for this horrible conversation... which will not go well with my partner and will likely impact our stepson in far greater ways than the loss of his mother.

Last night, our 22-year-old arrived in town to celebrate Christmas with her mother's side of the family, and our 13-year-old was also with them.  Their father went to a rather raucous Christmas party on his own (I couldn't deal with the nonsense given all circumstances and chose to stay home), and got ridiculously drunk in a very short time frame.  As customary, our 22-year-old texted him to let him know she was on the road, but he didn't respond (not typical).  They called him several times and he didn't answer, and then they called me to see if he was home - he was not.  Our 22-year-old, who struggles with anxiety, took it upon herself to drive to the party site without telling me and found him passed out in his car in the driveway.  A whole lot of drama ensued, and they brought him home here, with the skids in hysterics in seeing their dad like this.  The 22-year-old turned into a parent and wouldn't let me intervene.  I told her very clearly that this was not a burden she needed to take on at her age, but she asked me to shut the car door and drove off with her drunk father in the car.  My precious 13-year-old was beside himself.  He was literally shaking because his sister was so upset and his father was so drunk.  He kept telling me that he didn't want his dad to hurt me - he didn't want his dad to touch me, which completely flabbergasted me because his father, despite anger issues, has never been physically aggressive or violent with me - ever.  This reaction from my DSS absolutely broke my heart.  

When our 22-year-old returned with her father, she swept him away and worked to protect him and parent him in really unhealthy ways.  I reasserted that this was not her responsibility, and reminded her that throughout her life I have worked to protect all three of them from having to take care of adults in crisis, but she would not yield.  Honestly, her dad wanted nothing to do with me, even though I responded with fairness and compassion - he kept seeking her "support" from behind closed doors.  Absolute codependency in every direction.

Realizing that the only thing I could do was be present for my DSS, I just focused on him.  I assured him that I was a real grownup, and that I was strong, and that he had to trust me to protect him and to protect myself.  He calmed down over time but insisted that I sleep with him, which I did.  This morning his dad didn't seem overly interested in talking with him about what happened, but they had to leave to return to the grandparents' for brunch.  Hopefully, he will initiate that conversation later.

I can't even begin to describe how awful it was.  To see my skids so frantic, and so fragile in the wake of losing their mother was impossibly difficult.  To see our 22-year-old take on this burden even though she is barely holding it together made my blood boil because her father was absolutely complicit.  I felt like a spectator in my own life, and it was clear that I was unwelcome in that scenario.  I feel so helpless other than to be present for my DSS.  Fortunately, I have already spoken with a counselor for him and had already set up a meeting between me and the counselor for this Thursday.  I do believe this situation will make it easier for me to get my DSS into counseling because I believe he will realize just how much he needs that additional support.

This situation also makes my impending confrontation with their dad regarding separation so much more awful.  I feel completely trapped in trying to protect myself and my skids, while my partner just continues in his destructive lifestyle.

I just needed to vent.  This is a pretty lonely place to be right now.

Thanks

tog redux's picture

That sounds awful. I'm sure the 22-year-old was terrified of losing her father so soon after losing her mother, and as an anxious person, I can understand her urge to try to control how he's cared for in order to ease her anxiety.

It's not impossible for you to get custody of your stepson, if you can prove his father's instability and if he wants to stay with you.  In my work in the mental health field, I've seen weirder arrangements than a stepparent getting custody, like neighbors and barely legal siblings getting custody.

JRI's picture

I applaud your common sense and compassion.  I'm glad you will be seeing a counselor to help support you and think things through.  Good luck and feel free to vent here.

CajunMom's picture

No advice...just compassion. I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are doing right by seeing a counselor. Best to you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Just throwing out another perspective from the 22YO:

She may blame you for her father getting that drunk. You weren't with him, he could have died, and you could have stopped it if you were there. As a 22YO, that all makes logical sense. You know, I know, and every othet adult over 25 knows that it's not your job to police your partner, but SD22 probably is angry at you for not doing more. That may be why, in addition to everything else, that she wouldn't let you help.

You also don't know what your STBX has been telling her about you. Be prepared for a smear campaign that may have already started, and may eventually involved your SS13.

clover63's picture

Thank you for this perspective.  The relationship is pretty triangulated, but this is driven by her father, not her.  They are ridiculously codependent, which is also driven by her father.  She and I had a good talk after he went to bed, and I do believe she understands my position on her not needing to take on this additional burden on top of grieving the loss of her mother.  I am prepared to be vilified in the wake of the separation.  It will be painful, but I do understand the dynamic that drives it.  

I am grateful for all your input, as I do understand that my view is through a very narrow and painful lens.

 

ESMOD's picture

It is baffling how people will blame you for things that aren't your fault.  I guess it's harder to blame the true problem when there are complicated feelings involved.

We were talking with a woman the other day that had briefly dated a friend of my husband's.   The guy was a long time friend.. but not the most high quality individual.  He had a trifecta of problems.. Chief among them he was a Drunk with a capital D (along with drugs), he was a loud mouth and he was stupid.. just not a super smart guy.  

Anyway, the guy was dating this woman (ie sleeping with her so he could live with her and she bought a car for him to drive).  He was working for my DH fishing.. well.. the boat had to go to another state.. this guy went with my DH to continue working for him (took the car.. too.).. Apparently my DH hired another old fishing buddy (another guy with not a lot going for him) and these two apparently hit it off.. Well... they ended up going off together to do whatever after the season ended.. one of the things involved the woman's BF moving in and dating another woman (still driving her car).. Well.. turns out the son of that woman ended up killing him.  Stabbed him to death.  I wasn't totally surprised because.. yeah.. he was a loud, stupid drunk.. and maybe he even had been violent with the mother.. I mean.. they were doing drugs etc.. too from what we heard.  

Well.. the woman we know said that it is my DH's fault that this guy died!  Because if he hadn't taken him and introduced him to the other guy it would have never happened!!?? 

I was pretty pissed.  I mean.. while my DH knows these kinds of guys due to his line of work.. we don't do drugs.. we both work... own our home..etc.. we are normal responsible adults.  But.. he couldn't babysit this guy.. it wasn't his fault he was literally cheating on her and ended up putting himself in a situation that got him killed.  What this guy did was on him.. he chose his path.. and all my DH did was try to help him by giving him a job.  

Agaiin.. people will find all sorts of ways to blame the wrong people.  I guess she couldn't blame the dead guy.

Rags's picture

Wow, disjunction doesn't even come close to describing this shit show of crappy parenting.

I am sorry that you and the skids are having to go through this.

Do not let the emotion slow your departure.   Save yourself and let your disgusting partner continue to go down in flames.  Mitigation of his shit by remaining the rescuer is doing no one any good.

Time to go IMHO.