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For those who left steplife

Dizzyjell's picture

Are you happier now? Please tell me how it was/how you felt and feel leaving. Was it the right decision? Asking because I'm close to moving out. My sk has severe autism in which she needs care with daily living, is aggressive and kicks and screams all day (part of her asd). She wakes the home at 5 and 6 a.m. due to sleep problems. She is 11.and we have her half the time. Her mom is hugh conflict and SO always fights with her. The stress of living in this home with the kid even half the time has done me in. Unlike most stepkids, she will never leave home since she cant function without a caregiver who needs to keep eyes on her at all time. And my SO says he will never lut her in a home thiugh I feel she will need ur when he cant deal anynore. Every day is a battle. We cant have liquid soap or shampoo out, candles burning, she pours then out. I dont drive in the car w her because she almost kicked my windows out. She wont get better like my SO thinks and with each passing year, her behaviors are more pronounced. She has no sense of danger, eloped, and requires so much care we have a 1 yr old together and I'm terrified she will do something to harm him and my SO thinks shes totally fine and wont. We cant leave them alone together. I'm so done. Tell me it will be ok. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Dear Dizzy - I have sons on the spectrum (both adults), although high functioning and it is HARD AS HELL to raise your own kids on the spectrum.

Even the best of parents struggle with managing the behaviors of children lower on the spectrum. A stepparent is exponentially unprepared because they lack the bond of biology with the child.

Step life is HARD ENOUGH with neurotypical step kids. Add a psycho bio mom and kids lower on the spectrum.........girl, run.

I left my steplife nearly 18 months ago and my stress level dropped immediately. I was dealing with a covert narcissist spouse, a nice, but alcoholic BM, and 4 stepsons with ADHD, drug and alcohol issues, failure to launch, entitled and a couple having mental health issues - all adults.

If I had to deal with one of his kids being lower on the spectrum, I could not have lasted as long as I did.

It WILL be okay!!

Dizzyjell's picture

An alcoholic bm AND 4 stepkids? That's a lot. The ex really does impact steplife. Man. I'm so glad to hear your stress levels dropped soon after. I feel for all parents with special needs children and I've seen what asd can do now. My hat is off to you, it's not easy. My sd is low functioning and also has adhd and intellectual disability. I care for her but the cost it has done to my mental health and wellbeing are too much. I k ow its not her fault at all but I just dont want to live the rest of my life in a home with her . the animal noises, shrieking, kicking the floors and doors, pushing things over... ber mom calling my SO to yell at him.. it's so much. She is a forever child because of her issues as she wont ever really grow up. She is going to be mentally 2 forever. Sad I'm glad to hear from someone who got out and lived to tell the tale. How long were you together with ur ex? What did u say about leaving. Was he mad?

futurobrillante99's picture

I was with him for 4.5 years - married barely two. I've been free of him and that life since spring 2018. My life is wonderful, now. I with a good man. He's a widower and they raised their grown daughter to be independent.

My ex was abusive, so that's a separate issue.

Are you providing care for this child? If so, I don't think too highly of either of her parents and, if I were you, I'd feeling very much USED.

This girl sounds like she needs specialized care in the home or to live in a facility.

Dizzyjell's picture

I had to a long time ago for my own sanity. I used to help watch her more, help her bathe, etc. But she cries bloody murder when you try to watch her hair, hits at youand one day threw something at me and pushed all the water out the tub so I stopped. I do occasionally watch her if SO runs an errand but rarely. I dont drive her, or take her to school because drop offs were so stressful. Shed dig into me holding me hard taking all my air from stomach (did this when I was pregnant) and  cry and I said no more to SO. 

Dizzyjell's picture

And that you left! You inspire me! Did it take awhile to get on your feet? I firmly believe, as does my MIL and so many others that sd belongs in a facility with trained caregivers who can go home after a shift to relax, that will provide structure and activities for her. We have to be on all the time and it is incredibly taxing. Every single thing we do and where we go is impacted by her behavior. For instance, I'd never take her on a plane anywhere. Would be torture for her and all the passengers.  At my FILs, funeral they had to take her out of the chapel during service because she started crawling on the floor yelling animal noises and I missed the burial because she was freaking out and SO told me to stay in the car with her where she kicked the back of the seat and tried pulling my hair the entire time. To this day in still angry I missed the funeral while my newborn was at home being cared for by my mom - it was my first time out of the house and this is the shit i dealt with. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Luckily, I had only sold the home I raised my kids in a few months before I left him. I had funds to buy a little house and month after I left him, I settled on the house I live in now. Once we were married, he started showing more of his true self but nothing prepared me for him showing his ass fully after I sold my house and he thought he had me locked in. 

Oh hell no. I loved him and didn’t want a divorce, so he divorced me. Biggest favor he ever did me. Once I realized I wasn’t in love with a real person but a fake character he pretended to be, I let go fully.

Everyone reaches a point where they’ve had enough. You will, too.

Dizzyjell's picture

New house for a new chapter.  I'm glad it worked on for you . yes, you're right. . we ALL reach our breaking point!

Rags's picture

Aside from an amazing partner the greatest gift one can get is when the toxic waste of skin spouse informs you that they want a divorce.

I was and still am not particularly supportive of divorce as a concept but when my adulterous cavern crotched skank whore of an XW walked out of marriage counseling after 5mos then two months later told me she wanted a divorce and moved out of the home we had purchased together 2mos prior it was the greatest gift she could have given me.  I was all in, for her it was every swinging Johnson she could find that were all ..... in her.  Fortunteatly I escaped that marriage without either an STD or polluting my gene pool by spawning with her.  One of her cheat partners managed that feat.  At is turned out, she was pregnant when she left.  She miscarried that pregnancy a few months later but he managed to stick one about 6mos after that which was their first of two out of wedlock sons.  He eventually married her.  Then past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior she got knocked up by her boyfriend while married to her DH #2.  She had that child out of wedlock as well though they did  eventually marry.

I likely would have never divorced her, I was not aware of her career as an adulteress until we were going through the divorce and I found her diary in the house.  She freed  me to have a life being the person I enjoy being.   As much as the thought of her makes my skin crawl, I owe her thanks for ending it.

I am happy for you and hope you enjoy your new life adventure.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

My bio daughter is possibly on the asd spectrum. It is hard. Would it be slightly less stressfull if you both were to have less contact with bio mum? There is no reason for your partner to fight with her. Communication could be done via e mail. Kept to a few lines just about the child. No reason to phone except in an emergency. 

I don’t leave my bio special needs child alone with my one year old. It’s not possible. 

Because I’m her mum I go into practical mode, rather than stressed mode. Like when people are staring at the supermarket meltdowns because she doesn’t like the bright lights. I’m thinking okay she’s nearly ready for some ‘practice sunnys’ Before purchasing the special tinted ones. Okay the tantrum could be avoided by not taking her, but she needs to get out and do normal things too. I know, from being an occasional stresshead years ago when my sons were little, that cool, calm and practical is the only thing that is going to get me through this. I’m not sure I would be able to do that if she were my step daughter. I think you have done very well. 

There are some things I haven’t worked out yet like how the hell I am supposed to take her on a holiday? I guess the answer is not for a long time lol, or stay in my country. 

Picture your life in five or ten years? Are they in it?

Dizzyjell's picture

A special needs child. My hat is off to you. Yeo. Even normal things are hard . I stopped going to the grocery store with sd when she had a meltdown that left me in tears. That was years ago. I have tried to be practical and am. But to me, the stress she causes is so overwhelming. She is so difficult to be around sometimes and her behavior is so disruptive  that it is hard to concentrate or even enjoy time with her. She behaves in a way that is frankly, unlikable so it's hard to soend tine with her sometimes. During meals, always at dinner, she has a meltdown and makes all the noises, kicking , refuses to eat. Every day like a ritual. We cant enjoy dinner. I wish my SO felt as you did about not leaving her around him despite the fact she says she wants to kick him and shrieking whenever he cries,  my SP seems to think she poses no danger and it's fine to leave them alone together.

SteppedOut's picture

I left step life and it was IMMEDIATELY better for myself and my babyBS. While formerSO's son was not diagnosed with anything, he had major issues. I could not let my baby out of sight (even to run to the bathroom), for fear he would hurt him - he tried multiple times. His kid was 13 and knew better but was...insanely jealous? Disturbed in some other way? That wasn't his only issue, but the worst by far. Of course, his dad had his head in the clouds and never punished for bad behavior, acknowledged wrong doing, or...well anything? Just acted like everything was fine. "He has a good heart" "I can't believe he would do something like that intentionally" "He didn't know" "He forgot" Excuses and ignoring of all poor behavior and attempts to harm our baby.

Anyway, I was on eggshells all the time, had to watch my baby like a hawk - at all times. It was exhausting. I was emotionally and physically DRAINED. 

His son was out of school for the summer for 5 days and I planned my exit; I couldn't take one more day, let alone MONTHS with this horrid skid all day/all night, absolutely no relief. Days later I was packed up and GONE with my son. I wasn't going to wait around for something serious to happen. 

It was the best decision! I immediately started feeling better. My baby was sleeping and eating better (this rotten kid would disturb both EVERY TIME).

Girl, if you can't handle the chaos, get the heck out of there. You will be so happy you did!

SteppedOut's picture

He is my ex's son. He chooses to not see him because I won't have a relationship with him and live with him (and his horrid kid). 

I would have fought visitation, and had plenty of documentation. I believe formerSO knew and didn't want that documentation brought to the court. His kid NEEDED therapy, but, you know..."there is nothing wrong with my kid".

SteppedOut's picture

So? Would your SO want to fight in court and have his daughter evaluated and recommendations given?

He may just settle to visit at your home or MIL home....

caitlinj's picture

I can relate with the walking on eggshells part. I felt as though I was always walking on eggshells around my former skids. I could do nothing right by them. His kids would act horribly at meals. Also they were always interrupting people, complaining , whining and trying to boss adults around. They were very entitled. SD would have terrible blow ups where she would throw things at peoples heads, throw and spit out food, say cruel things, be cruel to the family pet, kick and punch at people.  My SO saw nothing wrong with SD’s behavior. I feel his mind was elsewhere. SD was never diagnosed with anything but she was still young. I always suspected a mood disorder or she was high functioning autistic. 

Dizzyjell's picture

Horrible to be around. I'm glad that you left. Your sd was small and I suspect it would only get worse as she gets bigger.

caitlinj's picture

Agreed. I can only imagine what her teenage years will be like. Not my problem anymore.

Thisisnotus's picture

That sounds like a nightmare. You will never for the rest of your life be rid of BM or the step kid......that is not a life I think anyone would want to lead.

I have a 1 year old with DH and if any of his kids were like what you described and I feared for the baby's safety.....DH would then have to choose between the 2 kids...either step kid is gone or me and baby are gone........you can't have both. And I also wouldn't be letting DH have the baby (if we split) around the step kid....ever.

Dizzyjell's picture

Keeping baby away from sd and it scares the shit out of me. SO seems to think maybe we tey living separately could work, but ge definitely to me is choosing sd over me and our son. Her needs always come first. She has so many high needs and requires basically round the clock supervision and care. I feel he is sacrificing us for her. She will never improve either which makes it all crazier. I feel for my SO having to deal with thos forever, but I dont want to live with her forever. When I think about it, I get sad and feel overwhelmed. And I know we are all tied now, but at least if I dont live with SO I wont have to see sd as much and live in the chaos or hear that much about her hcbm, seeing her on SD's ipad checking our home out  The forever interloper in our home. P.s. I have zero relationship with the hcbm. She is so mean. 

ndc's picture

I've never left steplife; I have it pretty good, as the skids are neurotypical and fairly well behaved and BM doesn't cause too many problems.

I just wanted to tell you that you should not feel bad or guilty or anything but relieved if you leave.  You are in a situation that very very few stepmoms could stick with.  The only thing is - will your DH want 50/50 with your child as well?  If so, I would suggest that you start documenting the dangers to him of being with her so that you can try to keep your DH from having them together.  Once you leave, you won't be there to protect him from SD.

Dizzyjell's picture

I have some docs from her psych assessments that say she cant ride in car with baby, how she hits out at people, about her low cognitive function and her behavior issues,  how shes in a special class. She is 11 and the docs say she functions at 2 years old. She is also huge and strong. My SO is always taking pics of them together when she tries to play w the baby and I'm sure that's not an accident. The fact is my own MIL said she could never live with sd. Everyone I meet says they have no idea how I do it. I'm so worried. And I know so will want son 50/50 but he has sd every week on a 5 day on 2 day off, 3 day on and again rotation. It is so fucked up. Her own mom has called us many times during the year saying for him to come get her, that sd is crazy, that she cant deal w her, that he should take full custody. Nobody enjoys being around her for long. She drives everyone crazy. And she has a verbal stim of which she never stops talking. All. Day. Long.  Gibberish because she has a speech delay so it is echolalia where she repeats the same words or sounds over and over and over again. I worry about the stress  it will cause to our son.beng around her. Sad

SteppedOut's picture

So BM wants him to take full custody? Ugh. What if she just doesn't take her scheduled visitation... or up and leaves? Then your SO will have full custody?

How is sd cared for when school is out during the day (I assume when your SO is at work)?

If everyone else thinks she should be in a place that can properly care for her (including MIL and probably BM), why is he holding out? What is his reasoning? 

Dizzyjell's picture

Think she will improve, which is another reason I cant with this circus anymore. They are in denial or dont want to accept it. SO is staunchly against group home because he believes she could be abused or mistreated  It's his kid so he of course wants the best for her, cared for by him. The problem is that what is best for her is not the best for everyone else... me, our son, our home, relationship, stress. School is essentially a daycare for her. She is in a contained classroom with a 1 to 1. Either SOs mom will pick her up from school til he arrives from work, or he has to work from home on custody days so he can pick her up from school. 

futurobrillante99's picture

She will NOT improve without intensive therapy. My youngest was more severely affected than his older brother, and it took years of behavior modification plans, speech and language, counseling, therapy and social skills training to get him where he is today, BUT I still have to work with him on socially acceptable behaviors.

My youngest, DS23, also takes medications to manage his issues and they help a great deal. Diet is also a consideration to decreasing behaviors.

The violence you speak of is usually directly linked to the inability to communicate. That girl should have a PECS board or similar means of communication that doesn't have to involve language. Risperdone helps with impulsive behaviors, too.

Dizzyjell's picture

Well over a year. She used to have speech and occupational, music and horse riding therapy, but frankly I've never seen a single thing help her improve. She does take a host of medications, including abilify.. she takes about 10 meds every morning and  ight for her seizures, hyperactivity,  blood pressure. She has a ton of issues. My SO is always on the phone with insurance companies and doctors about her. Her meds are so expensive. I recommended risperidone to SO and that never went anywhere.

caitlinj's picture

I left my steplife almost a year ago and my stress level dropped significantly. I have no regrets. It was the right decision for me one hundred percent.I won’t go into details however my steps were not autistic, at least they were never diasgnosed. They were not the best behaved kids.Steplife was very hard on me and in the long run it was wearing me down and I was not taking care of myself like I should have been. Yes there are times when I miss my SO, and even at times my former  steps, but those moments are few and became less and less frequent with time. The first month was hard however it got much easier after some time had passed. During my steplife I was extremely sleep deprived, stressed and had gained too much weight. I began to have panic attacks. Now I sleep very well and concentrate on taking care of myself. I take time to go to the gym, eat healthy, have a social life, spend time with friends and family and get plenty of rest. During steplife I did none of these things and everything revolved around his kids, my SO and their needs which I don’t think is healthy for anyone. Do I have regrets leaving? No. You will feel better in time I promise you. It just takes time being away from steplife. I have begun dating again and that has gone very well. 

Dizzyjell's picture

How just leaving seemed to restore your sense of peace, got rid of your sleep deprivation and your stress level lowered. I know that with time, I will care less and less, but it will sting at first, being away from SO more. I just cannot and do not want to kive in this chaos forever.  It legit feels like we live in an insane asylum when sd is here. There is nothing  NOrmal or peaceful about it. 

caitlinj's picture

Yes it will hurt at first and the first month will be hard but you will get through it. It will get better believe me and in the long run you will look back wondering what took you so long. You will get through this. Wishing you the best. Hugs!

Siemprematahari's picture

This is the stuff of nightmares............. living with this SD......I don't think I would have lasted.......please protect you and your baby and take care of your physical & mental health. Your SD need help in the worse way and hope she receives it.

 

Dizzyjell's picture

And so exhausting. I cant properly explain how just being around the behaviors and having the noise, mess and her stims feels like, the sleep disturbances. My goal is to protect our son at all costs. Because as is so high needs, SO has to do it all for her and cant dedicate the same time to our son. I worry about our son feeling last priority as he ages and realizes what the deal is. Literally every single person I meet tells me they dont know how I deal with her/being around her.

lorlors's picture

I know I couldn't cope with a stepkid with those issues. No way. I have an 8 month old baby son so can relate to those feelings of always wanting to keep him safe, I am sure your stress levels are just about through the roof with her violent, aggressive outbursts. Also, living with the knowledge that there is no 'end date', she won't be moving out or launching- I just couldn't cope. 

Is there no way she can be shipped back to live with the mother full time and your DH only sees her out of the home or when you are not around? Would it not be beneficial for her to have the continuity and routine of one household given her condition?

SteppedOut's picture

OP mentioned above BM wants dad to have full custody... so BM is not very likely to switch to her having full custody.

Dizzyjell's picture

Sd would be better off in one primary residence. The problem is they share custody and neither of them can deal with her for more than a few days at a time because she is so utterly exhausting. She burns everyone out. They, So and hcbm are essentially "respite" for each other. It is a fucked up situation. And one without an end in sight and she will never become independent 

lorlors's picture

A centre or place in your area that on your time with her you can pay to place her there for a few days so you get a break? Is that something you could convince your DH to agree to?

Dizzyjell's picture

I've suggested so many different ideas: respite, a specialized school for kids with high needs (SO lost it on me and said shes not as severe as those kids... um YES SHE IS), an aide in-home to help out, different programs  and I've been shot down and told that I just dont like sd and that I dont want her around. SO is completely defensive over sd to the point it is ridiculous. He and her mom also seem to think she will improve one day and even though she routinely burns them out, they live in this denial as to how bad it is. Sure, her mom flips out about her, but they both view her through a lens which is so far from the reality of the situation. I'm so tired of it. 

Winterglow's picture

His denial is actually hurting her. He wants what is best for her but he has no idea what that realistically is. Everything you have suggested would be under the supervision of qualified persons. People who are specifically trained to help children with issues. People who might actually be able to help her make the progress that your DuH is so determined to achieve. If he heard that from a therapist, a doctor, would he listen or would he just ignore it?

How does the school manage to cope? Have they suggested anything?

Dizzyjell's picture

Pf the severity of her issues and the effect on our family is doing this kid a disservice. The school does what they can but I know her teachers must be so burnt out dealing with her. Shes had 3 new teachers in 4 years and I'm fairly certain it's due to her behaviors. She once threw her shoes in the sewer at school and SO and her mom got mad at the school. Well you cant control how she acts! Like I said, at school it's just basically daycare for her. What can she learn? Mentally she is 2 with intellectual disability. They say they have to walk her outside a few times around the area they have because she acts up and they keep daily behavioral tracking logs on her counting how many times she kicks, hits, tantrums, acts inappropriately, throws things.

futurobrillante99's picture

The father of my children was also very much in denial. Why? Because it reflected poorly on him!!!!!! He was embarrassed to have a child with Autism and behavioral issues. When we got to the core of it, it's because he (now) readily admits he's likely on the spectrum, too, and our sons' behaviors reflected some of his weaknesses. Our kids also inherited whatever triggers Autism from his side of the family. His uncle, brother, nephew and our two sons (and he) are on the spectrum.

Steptalker2's picture

I’m one foot in steplife, the other in my quiet skidless days with DH. I choose to only see step kids once a month. I choose not to be home when they are around. I have a vacation home that I stay at on skid weekends.

Dizzyjell's picture

Amazing. How many days are they there? We have sd every single week due to a very stupid schedule. Does SO get upset that you leave when his loss are there? I try to soend at least 1 might a week at my parents with my son, but it is not enough. I just do not enjoy being home when sd is here. 

Steptalker2's picture

He has them every other weekend and every other Monday and Tuesday. He doesn’t get upset. He’s used to it now. He’s just glad I didn’t leave him.

lorlors's picture

I offered to move out of our family home and rent an apartment somewhere with our baby whilst SD17 was living with us full time. That’s how topsy turvy life in stepville is. Why should a new mum move out of a home she contributed to just to accommodate a God-awful stepchild?!

Dizzyjell's picture

It is so shitty. See, even me and. Any are always last. Welcome to Steplife.

I'm out's picture

I left back in January after 3years, it's a strange situation to be in to leave someone that you love but can't be with due to circumstances. The first 2 months I cried everyday, I missed him so much, the third month was better, by the 6th month I could find joy in life again lol and realised I was no longer in love with him and now after nearly 8 months....I'm fine. I have a new routine and a new life and sometimes hours pass and I realise I haven't even thought about him. He still pops into my head but I am over it.       And you will be too, be prepared for a tough 6 months ish but really on the scale of things what's 6 months? It's nothing to find peace in your life again. I wish you so much luck and my inbox is open if you ever need to talk. Break ups suck but I promise you will be ok. Big hugs x

Dizzyjell's picture

I could offer SO to be around when sd isnt here but I know he is going to freak out because he already says Indont want them together. He 100% does not view sd how I do... he doesnt think shes a danger to our son and is always seeing if I will give in to having her ride in the backseat of a car with our son. I say no every time. This sucks really bad and idk what to do. But IndonkmownIndont want to live with. Sd. I cant imagine th e test of my life living with her as she grows and gets bugger and so the behavior is more intolerable. 

SteppedOut's picture

You really need to speak with a family law attorney. You very well could get supervised visits and/or visits for your child only when his other child is not there - based on the fact he essentially refuses to grasp the enormity of the problem with this child OR have her in any meaningful therapy.

 

Dizzyjell's picture

I'm glad you felt better and it Is funny that with time you realized you werent even in love with your SO anynore. Sometimes we need to get away from a situation to realize how bad itnis/was. I'm just the adjustment period will be rough. But Zimmerman sure I will look back thinking hokybshit I kicked in this situation too long. I just feel for my son that he isntored to this situation and will have to  e around her. Ery stressful behaviors as he grows up, not to mention the fact sd DOES have seriously threatening behaviors to herself and others esp. If you cany defendbyourselfm I feel like we live in a prison of her autism. Everything is controlled by her and what she does. Her behaviors, her daily sleep disturbances, her schedules, her doctor appointments ehich are near weekly or biweekly (time... the amount of time SO has to take out for her) leaves our own son with less tome from his father. As a mother, I've felt bad for bringing my son into this situation but I never ever will regret my son. He is the best thing in my life and I lor him so much. He makes every day better . I wonder if he will grow to resent her. And I worry that SO will try to tell him that when he is older, he has to care for sd. I dont want my son giving up his adult life to care for her when he is older . It ismt fair to him and the responsibility is her parents' or they need to.put her in a home. She is so severe that I firmly think she belongs in a psych home with peers. How rf will they manage her when shes huge? She is already so tall and strong at 11 and is going through puberty .

lorlors's picture

It sounds like DH and his ex are in complete denial as to the severity of SD’s condition. In my limited understanding, people don’t just ‘age out’ of a condition like that. That would be my concern too- how big and strong she is coupled with the aggression and tantrum-like behaviour. Have you tried getting MIL to speak to her son? This situation sounds completely untenable.

Dizzyjell's picture

And you cant therapy it out of them either. Yes, both MIL and FIL who passed away both said she should/would be in a home one day. He of course got oissed at his mom and does wirh anyone who suggests such a thing. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I stopped loving my XH2 when I finally accepted what I loved was fake personae; that person never existed.

However, it is possible to have love (genuine and deep care and concern) for someone you were once "in love" with, even if you can't be together.

I wouldn't make falling out of love or not loving your DH a goal. Rather, your primary goals should be to find peace and safety for yourself and your son. I think it's highly feasible to live apart from your DH when he had SD. Having you feeling calm and happy will be a true respite for your DH on the days BM has SD. Imagine how happy HE will be visiting you and his son wherever you're safe and at peace!! Right now, on top of SD, he is dealing with a stressed out wife who's overwhelmed.

Living apart from him also gives you some leverage. If he really wants you to share a home (and expenses) with him, he'll have to consider getting MORE help for SD and possibly putting her in a residential program as she gets older.

Right now, you, your peace and the safety of your son are #1!!

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

I wouldn't leave just yet. Before you go anywhere, can you talk with a lawyer about what kind of evidence you would need to increase your chances of supervised visitation? For example, do you have video footage of SD acting out violently? Do you have written record of SO saying that SD and LO are fine to be alone together (or something to that effect)?

Because currently, SO could say anything he wants to a mediator or judge, such as "yes, of course I'll monitor both kids at all times", but in reality, if he thinks everyone else is overreacting, he will keep his guard down and allow LO to be around SD.

And, I'm not sure how you would swing it, but it would be helpful to get all the records SO has on SD - assessments by professionals. Does he have those stored anywhere in the home?

SteppedOut's picture

I mentioned this above - I think OP should speak with a family law attorney. Based on the fact he essentially tries to act like his daughter is "just fine" and refuses any meaningful therapy she might be able to get supervised visits. There is a very real danger to OP's son.

flmomma08's picture

I actually just filed for divorce last week but it was due to DH's addiction that he refused to get treatment for, not due to skid issues. Still, we have a child together and her safety was my primary concern when deciding whether to stay or go (if I stayed, I could be with her 100% of the time and never leave her unsupervised with DH or I could leave and hope he only gets supervised visitation). I stayed longer than I should have, thinking my daughter would be safest that way but in the end I just coouldn't deal any longer. I spoke to an attorney who believes I will be able to get full custody and DH get only supervised visits. Just make sure you have plenty of evidence for all the claims you are making because otherwise it will be your word against his (I have videos of DH high, photos of things that were left around the house, court records and medical records and I pray that is enough). To really answer your question, yes I already feel much better and like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Best of luck to you.