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Who's On First?

TwoOfUs's picture

Reading a couple posts about kids being "first" this week has me thinking. In general, this has been my experience in Steplife and in observing others caught in Steplife:

 

Society as a whole: "The kiiidddsss should always be FIRST!!! They were there FIRST and should be put FIRST no matter what!!!"  

Random Strangers on the Internet: "The kiiidddssss were there FIRST and should always, ALWAYS be put FIRST!!!!" 

Random Strangers Offering Unsolicited Advice out in the World: "Well...you knew he had kids and the kids have to come FIRST!!" 

The BM: "My kids come FIRST!!! My kids are always FIRST!!!"

The Skids: "We're the kids!!! We get to come FIRST!!!" 

Your DH: "A 'good dad' puts his kids FIRST...right?" 

Your Therapist: "You should get used to the idea that his kids will come FIRST." 

Your DH's Mom and Sister: "Just don't forget that the kids come FIRST!" 

 

**This Chorus of "The Kids Always Come FIRST" Repeats on a Loop for Years. SM sacrifices her time, money, and other resources on the altar of "The Kids Always Come FIRST" and gets zero recognition for her efforts.**

 

Exhausted SM: "I have to put myself FIRST for a little while. I have to come first now." 

 

**Collective gasp from the entire world.**

 

Everyone Else, In Unison: "What kind of selfish, evil person are you??!! First??!! Whatever do you even mean by that? 'Surely there's enough love and attention to go around.' It's not like it's a competition!!!" 

 

 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I am not super religious by any means but my DH and I take the biblical approach to family prioritization seriously and had it incorporated in our vows and the preacher even had the kids respond that they understood that we would always take care of their needs but our marriage will come before them in every other way. 

The scriptural order of priorities is God, spouse, children, parents, then extended family.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree and, thankfully, so does my DH. I've been fortunate in this. 

However, in society at large I felt like I was constantly getting "kids come FIRST" messages everywhere I turned. 

Shadow79's picture

We follow this as well. Our children are very important to us, we have full time custody. All their needs are met. However, someday they will all grow up and we will only have each other left. Which is why it is important to care of us. 

tog redux's picture

I've never really experienced any of this "the kids come first" stuff, from anybody.  I guess I'm just lucky?

TwoOfUs's picture

Really?? 

Because I see it regularly from non-stepmoms even on this board. 

I just find it ironic how we don't introduce the idea of "FIRST" in the first place -- it's totally thrust upon us and we're reminded of our place constantly. But when we turn around and use the same language, we're treated like we're the ones trying to turn everything into a "competition" for love and attention...and told that it's not a competition by the very people who turned it into one from the beginning.  

I see this happen all the time. 

tog redux's picture

No, I really haven't experienced it. But my issue was not really ever with my SS or DH's parenting, it was always with BM. DH knew instinctively how to manage it and how to prioritize our relationship, so that never caused me grief. SS was always in his proper spot in the hierarchy at our house. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I mentioned to my parents how I wanted a new job. Either military or law enforcement. I got the "well the kids need to come first... So you can't work such a demanding job. Your DH is already working crazy hours as an EMT. So you need to be there." THE HE!!??? Yeah... Still contemplating job options. I just don't mention things to them now...

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

priorities shift all the time. If your mom is sick and is facing a cancer scare, your mom comes first . That crisis may be averted and you get a promotion and you are learning a new job that's hard so then your job is your priority . Then later your best friend is getting married and you are the maid of honor , well then at the time your best friend is the priority . Life ebbs and flows. Sometimes you should be first . Sometimes others should be first. Sometimes your studying for the GRE and that's first . It is what is . 

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree. I never bought into it, either...and thankfully my DH only bought into it very briefly when he was first trying to work through the divorce. 

I just think it's funny how from the moment you become a stepmom so many people are reminding you of "your place" and that the kids are "first" but then if you use the word "first" everyone acts like you're trying to "create a competition." 

If there is a competition...SMs didn't create it, in my experience and observation. 

thinkthrice's picture

has morphed into "Kid's get catered to and treated as mini-spouses with equal footing to any adult in the room."

And THERE'S your PROBLEM.

BAck in the day,  kids were put to bed by 8 and the parents had "parent time."  Babysitters were often hired so that mom and dad could have a night out.   Now you see toddlers, teens, tweens, infants dragged out to bars, restaurants, etc. where they were never TAUGHT to behave in PRIVATE much less PUBLIC.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Don't make the mistake of confusing a societal trend with whats right or true. We're starting to see that this backwards fad of overprioritizing kids stunts them in a variety of ways.

Looking back, I cant believe how much unhappiness I inflicted on myself by allowing crazy/misinformed/ignorant/dysfunctional inlaws to influence me. Everyone else in steplife has their own agenda, and only when I stepped back and started relying on my own judgement did my situation get healthier.

To He!! with the peanut gallery. Remember, when we become a stepparent, we're stepping into the aftermath of a failed dynamic. Together, the parents made bad choices, mistakes, etc that resulted in a broken family, so what do they know? Listening to your gut, using common sense, and being willing to stand up for yourself are all key to navigating steplife.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree. 

It only took 6 months of watching my needs (like my car payment) get put on the back burner for skid whims and wants (like a fancy dinner out to celebrate some "accomplishment" or another) before I stood up for myself and insisted on my place in the home. 

The societal trend is 1000% wrong and disempowering to bioparents...let alone stepparents. It also creates young adults who can't function in the world. I taught high school and college for 10+ years and have seen this phenomenon first hand. 

This post is really about the weird dynamic where all of society literally says out loud that CODs must always come "FIRST" but the moment a SM questions this...they flip it around, act aghast...and tell her "it's not a competition!!!" 

After they spent years turning it into one. 

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree. 

It only took 6 months of watching my needs (like my car payment) get put on the back burner for skid whims and wants (like a fancy dinner out to celebrate some "accomplishment" or another) before I stood up for myself and insisted on my place in the home. 

The societal trend is 1000% wrong and disempowering to bioparents...let alone stepparents. It also creates young adults who can't function in the world. I taught high school and college for 10+ years and have seen this phenomenon first hand. 

This post is really about the weird dynamic where all of society literally says out loud that CODs must always come "FIRST" but the moment a SM questions this...they flip it around, act aghast...and tell her "it's not a competition!!!" 

After they spent years turning it into one. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Socially, I hear kids "kids come first".

Privately, I hear the opposite. Though, I tend to keep close company with like-minded people, at least like-minded on subjects I deem important.

I think most people believe kids shouldn't come first all the time. However, mob mentality sets in, and they act against their own instincts because society says otherwise. It's an issue of peer pressure in one of its more heinous and silent forms.

shellpell's picture

I love how everyone who's NOT in a stepfamily has all sorts of opinions based on this bs mindset. Actually, ONE sort of opinion. May they or their children experience a stepfamily situation firsthand, then they'll know, the judgemental, sanctimonious haters.

Monkeysee's picture

I haven’t gotten the ‘kids come first’ so much from friends or family, asides from my inlaws. But what I’ve found consistently is any parent I know can sit there & complain about their kid to a chorus of understanding & ‘my kid too’. The second I open my mouth to say what little sh*ts my SS’s have been, I get a round of blank stares.

Every time. I get this from all my friends, my family, and most colleagues. It doesn’t stop me from saying it, I’m trying to teach them that SM’s have emotions too, and yes, my SS’s can actually be royal pains in the @ss. 

The only person I’ve met so far IRL who gets it is a coworker I’ve known the last few months, and she’s being moved to a different building shortly. I think I may cry!! Having that person who gets it has been a real blessing.

As much as I love my DH & cant wait for our LO to arrive, I really question why I put myself in a situation with skids. They’re (mostly) good kids, but life really would be easier without them.

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh yes. I've definitely had this experience, too. 

Friends on social media in the summer writing: "When does school start again??!! My kids are driving me crazy!!!" 

Get dozens of likes and other moms chiming in. You think I ever dared chime in? Absolutely not. I had to pretend I just lived for skid visitations. If I let my guard slip and talked about something a skid was doing that drove me crazy...it got super uncomfortable super quick. 

I'm fortunate that I come from a fairly traditional, adults make the decisions and kids live by them kind of family...and I married into one as well. I remember we went to visit DH's parents and my MIL commented on how I looked a bit exhausted. Then, later, DH was talking glowingly about having had the skids for 10 days and MIL leaned over and handed me a glass of whine and whispered: "Oh honey. Well no wonder you're tired..." 

I really like my husband's parents Smile I think they appreciate what I do for their grandkids....but they've never treated me like a servant to the kids or second-class citizen. 

CLove's picture

I had this convo with a niece who is newly divorced, with no children of her own. She insists that "children always come first", and that the aunt who was hosting the bbq who has 3 children (the youngest daughter who she coddles is a complete jerk by the way, bt I cannot point that out...) always puts them first. I was like "even now, after they have become adults???" shes like yeah! isnt it great?

WEll, ahem, this sister in law is in deb over 30k from paying for her one kids schooling. The youngest who she dotes on is a jerk.

I tried, I really did. I tried. to explain that the children are top responsibility, but that the relationship needs to be the priority.

Yep. Nope. Now I just nod my head and avoid all the crap. They dont have a clue, let them remain clueless. IDC.

notasm3's picture

No wonder that some of the younger adults want free education, free medical care and to have cell phones, car insurance, and often rent and other expenses paid for.  They are used to having all of their wants met by others.  Not need - wants.