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Spouse comes first

Gia's picture

This is an answer I provided for AlexandraL's post about this subject. I decided to make it a blog entry since I want to explain in more detail some examples of what really means putting your child/spouse first. I would also love to see some examples from Storiesbysteve who has had a 30 year old marriage with a woman who has put her children first, and has put this in actual words.

Without further due, here is my post:

People think of "top priority" as if the ones that do not belong in this category are neglected. Kids' welfare SHOULD be priority because they are not self sufficient, especially young kids. Now, what we talk about here is not related to who should you feed, husband or child? I mean that is just silly. I will give some examples in which people may put "the child first" which will be labeled as CASE A or when people will put a spouse first Labeled CASE B. These "putting child first" are in regards to steptalk content.

1. CASE A:

Child lives with bio parent, then bio parent remarries with stepmom, kid wants to keep sleeping with the bio parent as before but now theres stepmom. Bioparent chooses to please the child by not upsetting him/her and letting her/him sleep with them, even though stepparent will be upset.

2. CASE B: Family wonders where to eat, child wants to go to Mcdonald's, spouse wants to go to Taco Bell. Spouse's opinion Is priority, they end up going to Taco Bell even though child is upset.

3. CASE A: Spouse is upset at kid bringing friends over everyday; bioparent chooses not to talk to kid because kid might get upset that he/she can't have friends over whenever possible.

4. CASE B: Spouse wants bioparent to discipline child for certain behavior, bioparent becomes a team with spouse and presents a united front for the kid. Parent might not agree with spouse but will not let the child so, and will talk to with spouse in private about any disagreement.

5. CASE B: While out, spouse will rather hold other spouse's hand and not skid unless necessary (crossing streets)

6. CASE B: Spouse will rather watch a movie and cuddle with other spouse than the kid.

7. CASE B: Spouse enjoys a family vacation, but if there was only one vacation possible, spouse will prefer to go to a romantic vacation with other spouse (no kid)

8. CASE B: Spouse has $10 bucks, Deciding on whether to buy the daughter a doll, or the wife a rose, spouse chooses to buy the rose.

Get the picture?

We as adults, have the responsibility to keep any child in our house: safe, fed, dressed and loved. Other than that, our spouse should come first. It is the way nature is supposed to work because our "kids", will eventually find their "true" love and have their own family. We need to make sure these kids grow up having a strong, united figure of a marriage, and knowning that kids do not form teams with parents, but rather, parents (step included) are ONE team dedicated to love each other and teach them the path to become successful adults.

That, is my definition of putting my spouse first.


mx4's picture

So, if the woman owns the house before she marries the man, she is supposed to just "give" half of it to her new husband, and not her kids, in case she dies???? How does that even make sense?

Gia's picture

Don't bring imaginary characters into this. Might as well say that unicorns fly in my backyard and told me that my spouse comes first. WTH?

LMR120's picture

That was pretty rude Gia. A lot of people believe in God. Just because you dont doesn't mean you have to be so snide about it. Faith and religion is not the same as a unicorn and you know it.

Gia's picture

Not being rude, I respect whatever people wanna believe in, but I also have a right to express my own opinion. I don't see the relation between god- and putting spouse first, if she does, thats ok, but it is not a logical argument as other people might have other beliefs.

LMR120's picture

To people who beleive in God it is a logical argument. The bible has many passages about marriage, treatment of your spouse, children, sex, family so to say that there is no relationship between God and marriage in some peoples lives is crazy. There are millions of people out there who try and live by what the bible says. There are not millions of people out there who beleive in unicorns. You are 100% correct you do have the right to express your views but you should express them without mocking someone elses. Comparing faith in a God and unicorns. Come on now.

PoisonApples's picture

uhm, logic isn't dependent on what one believes. There is NO logic in a belief in god. Faith is necessary to believe in god and where you have logic there is no need for faith. Faith is only necessary where there is an absence of logic.

he bible has many passages about marriage, treatment of your spouse, children, sex, family so to say that there is no relationship between God and marriage in some peoples lives is crazy.

Yeah, how do you divorce in the bible? Isn't it something like you take his sandal and throw it at him? Anyway, the bible says a lot of things, most of it not very nice so I'd hardly use it as an example of how to live.

PoisonApples's picture

Christians are always such phony, holier than thou hypocrites.

Of course that isn't true, any more than it is true that atheists are always angry.

Saying that is just another way for a self-righteous christian to look down on people who don't believe the same thing she does - and I think that's due to her insecurity about what she claims to believe. People who DON'T believe as she does are a threat to her, makes her realize on some level that she's following a superstition.

mom2five's picture

While I do know several self-righteous Christians, the majority are pretty laid back. I'm a Christian. I have friends who are Jewish, Muslim, and several who are Buddhists (sort of). And I have a very close friend/family member who is agnostic. None of them really care what others believe. None would have jumped into a forum and attacked a poster for mentioning "God".

I also have three friends who are atheists. I love them dearly. But they are angry all the time.

PoisonApples's picture

Maybe they are only angry when they are around you because you have made judgments about them and they realize it?

I'm an atheist and I'm rarely angry. One thing that does make me angry are christians who act all superior or who try to force their beliefs on the rest of us.

mom2five's picture

They are my friends. And they are angry about everything! I think they know I'm not judgmental.

I'm glad you aren't angry. But you have to admit that as soon as the name "God" was mentioned, an atheist got her panties in a was. Had someone mentioned the name Allah, do you think I would have cared? Of course not!

mom2five's picture

The atheists I know are by far the most intelligent folks I've ever met. No question there. But the ones that I know well are also always angry. And always worried about their rights being infringed upon.

I know lots of Christians. Some are really dumb and some are really smart. I don't personally know any that I would describe as angry. But I've seen them on television, so I know they are out there.

But I'll say it again...this whole thing was started by an atheists who got her panties in a wad because someone dared mention "God". And that seems to happen a lot in life.

PoisonApples's picture

But I'll say it again...this whole thing was started by an atheists who got her panties in a wad because someone dared mention "God". And that seems to happen a lot in life.

That's because a lot of you are always trying to shove your beliefs down our throats. For some reason lots of christians aren't content to believe what they want and allow everyone else to do the same. They are out to 'save' the rest of us. It gets really, really old.

How would you feel if muslims were trying to force their beliefs on you everywhere you turn? (they wouldn't, evangelism isn't in their doctrine) but wouldn't you get irritated if you were constantly being judged and looked down on for not believing what someone else believed?

mom2five's picture

Well, I've been alive a long time Poison. And I've lived in the deep south for a good part of my life. Everyone is either Baptist or Methodist. Not much diversity in small southern towns.

I can honestly say that never in my 44 years do I remember ever having someone try to shove Christianity down my throat. I've had people invite me to church with them. That's not really shoving anything down my throat. I've had people bring up religious issues. But again, there was no shoving involved. I'm sure many of my protestant friends are concerned about my soul now that I'm Catholic. But I don't give it a whole lot of thought.

We've spent a lot of time overseas, so I've had plenty of exposure to different religions and belief systems. The only ones that were really wacko were the ones that would be considered "cults" by most people.

I'm not sure where you are hanging out that you feel so persecuted. But maybe you should consider moving?

AlexandraL's picture

Exactly. If they want to put the child first, stay single. These people want it all but don't want to make any sacrifices for the relationship or marriage...

stepkate's picture

I'll re-post my reply to your comment from Alexandra's post:

The first case A mirrors the situation I'm going through with my BF. I don't think appeasing the child in this case keeps the child safe, fed, clothed, or any of the other necessities. I was raised by two biological parents who told me that I should be sleeping in my own bed...I think they were right in doing so.

...unless maybe we're talking about an extremely young child (maybe under 2 years old, I guess). Older children should be accompanied by their parent to their own room, where the parent can comfort the child enough for him/her to fall asleep.

I see that you replied back to this, but was unsure if you were supporting my stance that children who need their parents at night should be accompanied back to their own bed by that parent. From what I got from your response, this is what you did with your child instead of allowing them into the bed with you and your new spouse.

mermaid33's picture

Gia I pretty much agress with everything that you said. I would only really disagree on the vaca thing but that's all. I think you put this in a great perspective for me. I have always thought that my SD12 should come first but more in the care and love area that you mentioned. So thanks because now I have a new way to look at it.

GoinNutz's picture

I always priortized it as:

#1 Marriage
#2 Career
#3 Children

In some instances the order has to be flip flopped, because priorities can change depending on circumstances, such as sick children, etc

My reasoning, With a strong Happy Marriage, you can focus at work, and build a successful carreer. When your marriage is going good, and your are happy, you're a better employee, and you take more pride in your work because your happy at home and at work so you have the motivation to strive to succeed in your work.

When you're happy at home and at work, then You are a better Mother to your children, and You can PROVIDE there needs with a job that you are secure in because your in a good mental state.

When the marriage goes to shit.........everything else falls apart. You lose focus at work, your performance starts so suffer, your managers start to question, you dont parent effectively cuz there is tension at home, the kids get your snippy , short tempered attitude cuz you hate being home and daddy is still breathing............

Bottom line... Marriage, Carreer, Kids.

AlexandraL's picture

Right. If there is a legitimate need, no parent is going to say no to that. Parents will not let their children go without.

It's when the kids make an unreasonable, unnecessary demand and the expectation is that the job of the parent is to sacrifice their own happiness, and take a hit in their relationship with their spouse, to meet the demands of a spoiled child.

I guess that is codependence...

jojo68's picture

I am definately the deck hand

Captain is 10 year old Princess

BF is first mate

But it is only this way because the one who should be the captain allows someone else to navigate his ship and allows her to treat his first mate like a deck hand. And the deck hand is too much of a wimp to stand up for herself and claim her position as first mate. So Boo for me. Wink

mamad's picture

I'm a step mum and a Bio mum, and I personaly think that the lot of you are just jealous of your step-kids... ridiculous.
Child should and always comes first, or mostly anyways. No matter what your spouse may tell you, better get that in to your heads. A spouse is replaceable...a child is not.
Yes a child should sleep in his or her own bed, but at the end of the day if her or she had to choose between his child or his spouse it will in most cases be the child. Sorry to burst your bubble. Now that does not mean i tolerate any disrespect from by Skids or Attitude. But i understand that they knew him before me, and are related by blood they are HIS and will always be... if it were a question of life or death it will most likely be them, and emotionaly even though he loves me, and it is a different kind of live, he loves them a little more. Same goes for my kids and my spouse...should my spouse EVER undermine my children's position in my life...then all hell will break loose...

jojo68's picture

We hear a lot about they (SK) were there first or that they are blood should a child who was born first be loved more because he/she was there first...or that an adopted child should be loved any less because they are not biologically related. A family is a family...JMO

DaizyDuke's picture

Mamad.. in regards to your previous post..Of course we are all entitled to our opinion, but I think that your statements are ridiculous on so many fronts...

First, your statement that the kids came before you so they will always be more important.... does that mean that you also take a backseat to his mother, father, sister, brother etc.?

Second, your statement that your spouse is "replaceable" is exactly what is wrong with our stupid society now. There is no committment in marriage anymore, people just say those vows like they would recite a nursury rhyme, they have no meaning and divorce is always an option, the easy way out.

Straight from the book "Stepmonster" that I have been reading...

mamad's picture

It seems that most of you parents are confused... and frankly i think it is quite immature... competing after your husbands emotions like children. When you were dating and you found out he had a child, you would try and be nice to that child and be wary around her or him. But once you are officialy married all that should change, all the years he knew him before you, should erace... the fact that YES he DID live just like he did with you (in most cases) MARRIED to this child's mother or unit.. but sadly the parents split, the child has to deal with the change of his father having some new girlfriend who turns wife, and expect to come SECOND TO HER?
No! A child comes first in his life and in hist heart. There is a difference people, between Parenting, decision making, physical and emotional need and health needs. A husband should never neglect his wife nor his child (or vice versa). Neither should he spoil the child, there are limits. The child should RESPECT the stepmum, love may hopefuly accompany that respect...but if it doesn't too bad. A step-mum should have a certain level of authority over the child, and should be caring and loving towards said child.. BUT should never try to undermine the father-child relationship, nor to impose on their alone time.. (Not to say they shouldn't be familly time, or Adult time) But the child needs more emotional attention, Yes that the spouse. But the question is ... at the end of the day who is the husband going to choose (which he never has to do) but should you ever pressure him to do so, be prepared sweetheart for him to choose his son or daughter. Yes they grow up and live their own lives... but a 2 year old and a 20 year old are still babies in the eyes of the parents.. Adult babies.. the parents age aswell you know.. were it a life or death decision i would choose my children... and don't be surprised that he does the same.

PoisonApples's picture

Yes they grow up and live their own lives... but a 2 year old and a 20 year old are still babies in the eyes of the parents.. Adult babies.. the parents age aswell you know.. were it a life or death decision i would choose my children... and don't be surprised that he does the same.

I have adult children and I don't think of them as babies. They aren't babies. They are grown people, independent, capable and a benefit to society. I take that as a testament to my parenting ability.

If it were 'life of death' I'd probably choose my child but the truth is that most of us don't know what we'd do. Any real life of death situation where we had to choose one over the other would probably be so fast that we wouldn't have time to think. It's a lovely, fuzzy feel-good thing to say but hardly real.

mom2five's picture

My order. And I think everyone should spend time figuring this out. Steven Coveys "Seven Habits" and "First thing First" are awesome at helping you with that! I think they should be required reading everywhere!

(1) God. In my life, God should be first.

(2) My husband. Nothing besides God comes before him.

(3) My children.

(4) My extended, dad, in-laws, brothers, sisters, etc...

(5) My home. Providing a clean, well-run, organized home benefits me and my family.

Diablo My job. I work part time at our county legal-aid office. I love it. I love helping others. But it is way down at the end of my list of priorities, and there is a reason I only work a few hours a week.

mamad's picture

mom2five... i think the christian point of view only works for first marriages as sad as that sounds. If you are going to use a christian point of view, then you have to aknowledge the fact that in God's eyes you are never divorced... so Your second spouse cannot be considered first...because you are not one...and the offspring cannot be considered second..because they are HIS offspring.. whereas if it were you and he..married first timers and had children..THEN you would be first and shortly after..them second. But as a second wife, and step-mum.. you are second.. to the son or daughter (in his heart) not in everyday life decisions. Yet you 1st in his relationship with you and your future children. Yet that does not make his first child above his future children... quite complicated Concretly and does not make sense...but abstractly it is understandible

mom2five's picture

I think that's mostly true if you are Catholic. DH and I were raised in the Southern Baptist Church and ironically became Catholic about eight years ago...after our divorce and remarriage.

We've never had a problem with that. Without getting too religious, I think God is fine with our divorce and remarriage. I think He knows better than anyone that I am not perfect. And I don't believe He wanted me to stay in a physically abusive marriage.

I know what the Bible says. I also know the Bible was written BY MEN! And I think we are foolish if we believe that they weren't looking out for what was best for men! Not much has changed in that respect. God may have inspired the writing...but MEN are the ones who likely took "artistic liberties" to put it nicely.

I guess I'm just not a fundie type Christian. Jesus gave us a good example. Love God. And be good to each other. That's the important thing. Non-Christian people of faith have great role models as well. There have been many great men and women of faith in all religions. And they all preached the same general message.

mamad's picture

I agree mom2five, which is why im saying that if you are to use a religious point of view jwe should all the religious facts. But even as a general point of view, not necessarily can understand how the child from the first marriage takes first place in the husband's hurt (To the mother..not to future children) Were you and your husband to divorce...would you expect his next wife to be more important than your children? i'm guessing no.. All that being said, i'm a firm believer in boundaries...children are not the parents.. and parents are not children no need to squabble that the child is more important or that the husband is using the same nickname for his daughter as with you...boohoo.. let's be real hier... If you were at gun point.. and he had to give his heart to save one of you it would be her. And you would probably do the same for your son or daughter were you to divorce and then remarry. I am both Bio AND step so i have a more realistic point of view

mom2five's picture

"Were you and your husband to divorce...would you expect his next wife to be more important than your children?"

I would expect my ex-husband to put his wife first if he expected to have a healthy lasting marriage.

Concrete example: My ex is remarried. We have kids together. His wife (my kids stepmother) should be his priority. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the kids. Of course he does! But his marriage is critical to the happiness in that home. My kids would be devastated should they divorce. They adore their stepmom and stepsister! I hope he is putting his marriage first. I really do.

mamad's picture

I'm both BM and SM thank you very much. either way most of you just don't want to deal with reality..which is that in most cases you are second place in his heart...but you are first place and always will be in the decision making that is normal...people hier seem to confuse the two

mamad's picture

i don't know what is everyone's heart which is why i said most, and not all. Most parents feel this way, when divorced and remaried. Then again MOST step-mum's here are first time wives. Very tough to swallow for most i know, and HATE to aknowledge that fact.. but as i said, for most it will work the same way, were they to divorce and remarry...their current children will place first in their hearts, and as some people here said...the parents are the fondamentle stability in a familly definately true.. which is why they are PARENTS and are the decision makers.. and I'm starting to see that some people's definition of placing first seems a little different thant others, because i agree that at the end of the day if the relationship doesnt work it causes instability for the child so in a way it does come first...But then again some here seem to take the position of first as a ranking of preferance for the spouse..which is why i said again, that in most cases (parenting, governing and decison making aside) the child takes a slight lead (Not to say that he or she does not love you to death aswell)

mom2five's picture

StepAside, I don't think it's a ranking of position in the heart at all. I agree with you...that would be devastating!

But it's ok to make a list of priorities. My marriage comes before my kids. That means that I would never allow my kids to come between my husband and myself. They know that, and therefore would never even try. My kids could not be happy in a house where mom and did were not happy. Just couldn't happen. Their security comes from knowing their dad (or stepdad) and I have a good marriage.

My kids come before my career. That's why I'm not working full time. I can't do it. I cannot take care of my husband, my kids, and my house they way I need to if I'm away from home all day. I know some people can...but I can't. I spent years in school. I have a degree. Someday I'll get to really use it. But right now, it's not a priority.

It's not a matter of how much you love. It's a matter of priority.

mamad's picture

you don't write down who you slightly love more do you? As a child i could not imagine loving anyone as much as my mum (dad was divorced and remarried, he loved me still but sadly because of the distance didn't see him much often) in a way though you are right, it's more like when you marry then create a child your heart grows twice the size to accomodate the new arrival and love him equally as much isn't ? They don't share..but everyone has a branch of his own really.. a different branch more like... Smile ? But i can't help wondering.. if equality really exists.. or is there always a slight preference? its just in parenting...we all say to treat them all the same...but in various cases you see a slight preference .. either in the youngest child or the eldest, or the special one who looks just like her mother, or daddy's little girl.. parents always scolding each other for spoiling one Slightly more than others.. then again it's hard to aknowledge or digest that fact when one is not the one being prefered isn't it? :?

MrsFrustrated's picture

It is my opinion that the marriage comes first. Your children learn how to have a healthy relationship with the one they will come to love by watching their parents.

PoisonApples's picture

To be honest, I'd probably save ANY child over ANY adult if I were faced with that situation. Most of us probably would.

mamad's picture

poisonApples really? :? you are more caring than i ever could be... it would break my heart, but i would not save ANY child over my spouse... the Only person in this world i can imagine dying for instead of him in that situation is My son! He is my only exception to that rule. because i honestly feel i could never love another man as much as my current husband.

PoisonApples's picture

It's not a matter of loving one more.

It's a matter of who would need me more.

As I said, none of us really know what we'd do faced with that situation but I think I'd save the smallest/most needy.

mamad's picture

Blum 3 hahaha! nice er example..but it isn't the same is it? then again a nephew is a blood relative and you're right it is not always blood that counts.. ! And on occasions a relative is even more unreliable than a friend.. but here i am assuming that everyone loves their BIO-children and Spouses and vice versa? The fathers dont think their children are the devil's spawn? (even if stepmums do =P. For the other comment, no a second marriage Isn't any less significant than the first (i was talking from a religious point of view as you saw) in fact i love my current hustband more than i could ever have loved my first... it's a simple question of meeting the right person at the right time..

mamad's picture

Old Dart. Agreed definatly! God's word isn't always written in the bible is it? A personaly matter such as God's acceptance is, felt in your heart and spirit.. Not because in oldent days they said not to divorce..then again...that is probably because he hoped we were to make wise decisons...and not marry for wrong reasons or too soon or without really knowing your partner first..sadly we do not always make wise decisions

JJO's picture

Mamad ,I read your posts in this thread and I would like to ask you a question.

Since you want to put your children first why did you marry your spouse? To have an additional income in the house? To have help on the pick ups- drop offs ? For the house cleaning? For the bedroom? For what?
Because I thought (silly me) that people get married because they want to SHARE their lives.. "To love and to cherish" Not "to ignore due to guilt ~ and expect to accept it because they were here first" ..

This is a joke to me.

mamad's picture

None of the above. I love my husband, and so because my children are first in my heart I may not love at all? Did i say i ignore my spouse or neglect him or let my son whine and be a spoilt brat? No! Because apparently to you authority, respect, good manner and love are one and the same? No! my child is not the parent, my husband is not a tag along either and neither am i to him. I do not ignore his needs because of my precious samuel, although he is precious to me. My son will not rule or be rude to ANY adult step parent, or not ..he may Not rule or torment my friends but that does not mean he is not first to me does it? If you have unruly children, then i'm sorry, but respect and love in my home are seperate. My husband may discipline my son as he sees fit and so may I with his son and daughter. I love my husband more than anyone in this world, other than my son that is all. If you choose to see it as second best then so be it.. it is a slight difference.. like: 1.8 and 1.9. I know i should love them equally but i cannot help loving my son slightly more, is it because i had him with someone else? I don't know. Is it out of guilt? I don't just is..and my spouse shouldn't even ever ask me the question in the 1st place for me to get to this realisation. Nor should he EVER make me feel like i should choose. I would not tolerate my son interfering with my marriage, but nor will i tolerate my husband interfering with my relationship with my son. Nor i with his, though i love his offspring as if they were my own...beautiful children Smile

JJO's picture

OK then. Since everybody has the place they deserve in your house how can you defend the opposite.
If you dont neglect or ignore your husband and if you dont want your husband to neglect you either, why cant we claim the same behaviour?

stormabruin's picture

Why do numbers have to be applied to family members? Why does one have to come first & one has to come second?

My parents raised 9 successful happy children. They will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary next month. We didn't have ranks in our family. Nobody was considered to be more important than somebody else.

What it came down to was adults being adults & children being children. Every member in a famiy unit has a part. Parents are the caregivers, the overseers, the providers, the teachers. They treat the children with love & compassion. They teach with care & sometimes, tough love. That's the role they play in the family unit. The children are taught to respect authority...parents, teachers, elders, etc. They are taught to be kind to others. They're taught to be well-mannered. Those things are part of being a child. One is not more important than the other. One is not more deserving than the other. One does not have to come second to the other. They're just different roles within a family unit.

The parents/adults are a team, working together to raise responsible well-mannered, successful children. If the adults will BEHAVE like adults & accept adult responsibilities, there should be no need to put numbers on people. It seems childish, to me, for a grown person to get bent out of shape over something like this. The problem in these cases isn't the children. It's a problem between the adults.

JJO's picture

I agree with you . I mentioned it as a reply to mamad.

My parents as well were like that . They were united to whatever they wanted us to do as kids. There was no way out for us. Even when we were trying to get out of it by asking the other parent we would hit a wall. We knew that mom and dad wont let us. Period.

We had manners - we followed instructions. And after a certain age everything was coming naturally.They didnt need to tell us what to do because we already knew. How amazing is that?

mx4's picture

People love to generalize. The way I see it, there is no general rule on "who comes first". Whoever NEEDS to come first in a particular situation, that person comes first. If I have a romantic date schedule with my husband, but my kids get upset about us leaving and whine that they want us to stay home with them and play, then I will ignore them and go on that date, anyway. But if I have a romantic date planned with my husband, but one of my kids gets sick, I will stay home. To me, nobody is more important than anybody else. Everybody is equal. If you make one person "more important" than others, everybody else will hate that person. An example: God said Jews are the Chosen people, and ever since everybody else hates them! Smile Sorry, just had to bring God into it - I find it amusing how people get all upset about others' personal believes. Who cares? Smile

DaizyDuke's picture regards to your previous posts..Of course we are all entitled to our opinion, but I think that your statements are ridiculous on so many fronts...

First, your statement that the kids came before you so they will always be more important.... does that mean that you also take a backseat to his mother, father, sister, brother etc.?

Second, your statement that your spouse is "replaceable" is exactly what is wrong with our stupid society now. There is no committment in marriage anymore, people just say those vows like they would recite a nursury rhyme, they have no meaning and divorce is always an option, the easy way out.

Straight from the book "Stepmonster" that I have been reading...

mamad's picture

you my all be swaying me a bit right now...i am starting to understand how one may not necessarily be more important than the other... but then i am against those online here who say the spouse comes first... i do not agree.. most definatly not. I might agree somewhat to a somewhat equal status..but the spouse is not more important than the child

PoisonApples's picture

I was asked in counseling once to order the people I love, meaning children, spouse, extended family, friends, etc (crap counselor but that's another story). Part of this was an exercise to determine who should get more time/attention.

I couldn't do it because it changes constantly. I give more attention/time/love to whoever needs me most at any given moment. Not who WANTS me most, who needs me most - My relationship with my significant other needs more nurture/maintenance so it automatically has a higher priority.

mamad's picture

totally agree nomi. The problem was that i didn't see much evidence of what you are saying throughout these forums...but rather the articles are jealousies of the spouses towards the children.. Such as " my DH calls my SD princess and the calls me princess in the same tone Urgh it is soo annoying...last night SDs said that they are the princesses and I am the Queen, she knows that mummy is number 1 or something like that...which is what led to confusion about all this number one buisness...seemed to be that some people were just insecure of their position and attention in the hubby's life.. Or even the evidence of cases in which a wife should come first in the initial post to me seems absolutely ludicrous... 10$ should he buy a doll or a rose for his wife, answer rose for his wife... Why is that? So simply because their is no health or physical need the wife should come first emotionaly aswell? Which is where i disagreed. Or, he shoudl rather cuddle on the sofa with child rather than wife, i disagree aswell in sense that she thinks that in that case the wife is more important...again I may varie... Some people feel that they are to cuddle and more with their wife in the bedroom later anyway.. And would rather cuddle their son or daughter, some, might decide to wrap an arm around both! I also agree with her saying that while walking he should hold the hand of his Spouse rather than child Apart from when crossing the streets... I disagree, with WHY in this case the spouse is more important aswell.. it is a nuetral position..neither is above the other! Which is why i believe nomi that some are not arguing for the sake of logic and stability...but rather a competition of emotional attention

stormabruin's picture

"some are not arguing for the sake of logic and stability...but rather a competition of emotional attention"
I agree.

Gia's picture

MaMad, Every person is different. In my world, I have to come first in my husband's eyes, and if I do not, I would not stay with him. As simple as that.

He does not need to hold the hand of his daughter except for when she might be in danger of getting lost or getting hit by a car. Other than that, it is just ridiculous, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. My man knows how I am, call me needy or whatever. That is just the way it works in my household Smile

Luckily, my husband puts me first with his actions, so we are both one united team in front of the kids we are raising.

T.O.'s picture

I agree with crayon about everyone having their place, but if you're not prepared to make your new spouse #1 why get into a 2nd marriage/relationship then? same goes with the new spouse, when bio kids come along they should also keep their spouse as #1

We are both working for the household income, if we can only afford 1 vacation - it will most definitely be for the 2 of us .. i think as adults we need the alone time, the vacation alone and 'away from the world'. There are many things that can be done @ home such as day and weekend trips with the kids that they'll have fond memories of forever.

i think if you're not ready to make spouse #1, dont get married! It'll make for less unhappy people in this world.